Tuesday, December 25, 2007


So I asked myself:
-what i need to do monthly, weekly, daily

THIS MONTH OF 12/25-1/31
*Read The Books:
''The Skin I'm In"
"Metu Neter"
"Who Am I Without Him"
*Keep House Clean
*Call about income housing for bigger apartment

*Save $900.00
*Get Cell Phone And Minutes

*Make All Meetings That I Can
*Read Some Bible Daily

*Keep Braids

*Read 1 Chapter a Day of "Metu Neter"
*Read other books as well while at work
*Clean A little DAILY

*Save Each Pay Check: 12/27- $150.00
1/3- $200.00
1/31-$200.00 TOTAL SAVED:$900.00
*Buy Cell Phone

*Make ALL meetings on days not working
*Read a few verses of the bible Daily.

i keep you posted on a regular basis as to how this goes.


-Akira Raquell Bolling-having a baby!
-Read 50 books-personal study
-Finnish School
-Clean House-dont let it get messy
-Bigger Apartment-move
-Loose Weight

-Save $1300.00 for Kira's stuff-before she gets here
-Save a little from EACH check
-Pay Medical bills
-Pay citibank

-Make all the meeting I can
-Read bible daily

-Protective growth Challenge
-Crown-N-Glory Technique


It's After Christmas

Today was fun. I didnt plan on going over Devin's house to eat but ended up going a having a pretty ok time. Today, i got home and read a little bit of a book, wrote out my 2008 plan ( but everything is up in the air because of Akira. I dont now what new challenges and things life with her will bring. Up until this point when i would make my yearly plan i felt confindent going into the new year with it because all i had to worry about and concern over was me. everything is ao up in the air and tentative now), i went to sleep, woke up and cleaned the rest of the house (mopped the floors, and vacummed) , got in the shower and went to Devin's house. I'm annoyed because it seems that i cant seem to get my house to smell fresh and clean. even if looks fresh and clean. thats ok, tis weekend i will go to walmart and see what they have to clean the carpet and stuff. I was happy because i found my black work pants. i couldnt find them for the longest time. but it is deffinately time for me to buy some black maternity pants. a couple pairs. i will go to the mall at the end of this month and see what they have in the maternity stores, and victoria's secret.
The food at Devin's house that his mom prepared was really good. we had all typesof stuff. I enjoyed it. Of course he was getting on me about something. Egypt i think. Anyways it doesnt matter cause i'm always getting on him about stuff too. but when he does it , he does it in front of people. and he said something about my mom. something stupid about her hands or some dumb shit. He always has something negative to say about someone or some people. he just doesnt have a tactful tongue. he picks for NO reason. you could be the nicest , most beautiful person in the world and he will find SOMETHING wrong with you. That irritates the hell out of me about him. He is like dr. jackell and mr. hide. One minute his personality can be so sweet and loving and giving, and understanding. and then the next minute he is a saying something that changes my mind about his whole personality. Sometime i wonder if i am too critical of him. I wonder if i have a hollier then thou attitude. I always talk about his asshole personality traits but i wonder what mine are. i could name a few. but this is MY blog so i wont do that. lol.
I have come to the conclusion that in the years to come, if i focuse on my daughter and myself i wont be reminded so much of how badly my life sucks. So here is this year's plan.


Dont look at me every day is so wonderfulAnd suddenly, its hard to breatheNow and then, I get insecureFrom all the fame, Im so ashamedI am beautiful no matter what they sayWords cant bring me downI am beautiful in every single wayYes, words cant bring me downSo dont you bring me down todayTo all your friends, youre deliriousSo consumed in all your doomTrying hard to fill the emptinessThe piece is gone and the puzzle undoneThats the way it isYou are beautiful no matter what they sayWords wont bring you downYou are beautiful in every single wayYes, words wont bring you downDont you bring me down today...No matter what we do(no matter what we do)No matter what they say(no matter what they say)When the sun is shining throughThen the clouds wont stayAnd everywhere we go(everywhere we go)The sun wont always shine(sun wont always shine)But tomorrow will find a wayAll the other timesWe are beautiful no matter what they sayYes, words wont bring us downWe are beautiful no matter what they sayYes, words cant bring us downDont you bring me down todayDont you bring me down todayDont you bring me down today

---Christina Aguilera


Life is what you make it At least that's what they say Well, I think I'm going to make it Fulfill my dreams one day I feel this fire growing Deep inside of me I'm so inspired knowing That it's my destiny I breathe like a champion I dream I'm a champion I think I'm a champion That's led to be My will's getting stronger I can't wait any longer I'm singing a song That's inside of me Cause I'm a believer I know that I can't fake it No matter what they say Cause I'm a believer The future is now And it starts today Everyday I'm waiting Trying to find the patience So close I can taste it But sometimes it's so hard But I'm gonna keep on pushin'And I'm gonna to keep on fightin' And I'm gonna to keep on tryin' Because I've come too far I breathe like a champion I dream I'm a champion I see I'm a champion It's meant to be My will's getting stonger I can't wait any longer I'm singing a song That's inside of me Cause I'm a believer I know that I can make it No matter what they say I'm a believer The future is now It starts today Believer, ohThe future is now It starts today

---Christina Milian

I Cant Help

But feel and know that if i had waited and done things differently my pregnancy would be a much happier experience for me. I would not have had to deal with all the differences and aggrevation Devin and I go through. I would have a baby shower and KNOW that people are going to show. KNOW that i will get what i need. Not be surrounded by a bunch of people i really dont care for or feel comfortable with. He is inviting ALL his friends from work, and THATS ok because i am inviting a friend or mine who he had a tiff with. They better all bring gifts and and not just show up to eat my damn food. He thinks it's different because in his mind, AS ALWAYS, i am wrong and have no reason to feel how i do about them. If i had waited i would be happy and my feelings would be taken into consideration, with my HUSBAND. He wouldnt invite people to MY party (since i am the pregnant one) . He would let me have my one shine day (since i will be the one going through labor and delivery). We would be in sync with one another and agree with one another. I would love his thinking, we would be happy and we would have it together.

GOSH! If him or his family ever read this stuff i would SURLY have HELL to pay.














Monday, December 24, 2007

"The Skin I'm In''

This book is amazing. One of the best reads I have experienced in a while. I am almost at a loss for words to describe how i feel after completeing. I guess, i will first begin by saying WOW! WOW! WOW! Every women, not just every black women, but every women needs to read this book. I have been compiling a list of books I would like to read with Akira as she gets older. So far i have:
"The Vagina Monoluges" -Eve Ensler
"Assata"-Assata Shakur and Angela Davis
and this book most of all "The Skin I'm In"- Sharon G. Flake
"No Disrespect"- Sista Soulja
This book is one of the best. It's about a young dark skinned African American girl. She is in middle school (the hardest years for many young people). She battles with finding herself. Finding her beauty, and finding her independence. Her name is Maleeka Madison. She goes through the typical adolescent fears- of social acceptance, peer intimidation, and self image. It just brought back so memroies of my middle school years and thehurt that i experienced. My mother was teased a lot and hurt as a child. As a result in her adult life she walks with her head held high with more self confidence then a little bit. She always told me to do the same. She always would get angry in my deffence when i came home from school telling her stories of how mean children were to me. But she never TOLD me I was beautiful. she never TOLD me that my lips and my breast were BIG and BEAUTIFUL. I guess i was just supposed to believe it. I remember crying in department stores because i could NEVER find the proper bra to fit my breast, and she didnt want any attaention drawn to them, so she bought me bras that didnt didnt fit me properly and hold my breast up the way they were SUPPOSED to be. As a result i felt there was something wrong with how i was built. in my religion i felt wrong for having the body i did. My confidence was too low. It still is. I still have not come into a full acceptance of how i look. My skin is terrible and always has been. Probably always will be. Devin says things without thinking that hurt me. Like not to long ago i showed in apicture of myself that i had taken a while back and i was wearing, makeup and my hair was stright. He said to me ".....something...something...and your skin loks alot better, you dont have all those marks, and bumps and shit on your face." I felt crushed. Of course i could never tell him this, because then it would be that her never said it, or it was something different then what he really said. I hate always feeling i am not pretty. Like there is something wrong with MY hair, MY skin, MY body. You now what?? All of that changes. TODAY!!! I am beautiful, because I AM ME! For my sake and for my daughters sake. I have to lead her and teach her by example. I want her to know that she is beutiful. In order for her to know that i have to know that about myself, and by example teach to feel beautiful no matter what anyone says. I reemeber i CRIED so hard in school when this guy teased my about having big lips. I cried because i didnt believe my lips were beautiful. My hair doesnt have to be straight in order to be beautiful, it can be natural and HOW / WHO I AM. My skin doesnt have to be light, flawless, and makeup packed in order to me beautiful, it can natural and HOW/ WHO I AM. My body doesnt have to be tight, lifted, and small, it can be natural and HOW/ WHO I AM. My lips dont have to be small they can be large and HOW/ WHO I AM. I will teach Kira that she is beautiful. a beautiful golden princess. All her lips, hair, skin, breast, hips, tits and anything in between (belly button, vagina, ears, ect) are ALL BEAUTIFUL and the way god intended for them to be. Rather they be dark, light, or multi colored, small, medium, smedium ( yes that is intended) or large, rounded, pointy, full, tall, skinny , fat, juicy, long, short, nappy, culry, wavy, and BIG. IT IS HERS, and it IS BEAUTIFUL! It's not black, and ugly, it's GOLDEN and beautifully hers. It's not tall and goofy, it's STRONG and beautifully hers.

I was talking to Devin today and of course i was wrong for how i felt and he had an opposing view point to EVERYTHING i said, cause nothing was good enough. I was telling him about the book i was reading( The Skin I'm In) and about the plight the little girl is in with the dealing with the color of her skin. She is DARK skinned, BLUE-BLACK maybe. He went on to be the prick that he is and say that he dislikes dark skin and that dark skinned people are ugly. and that when he sees one he points to his friends and says stuff about them. I said that people are not pretty or ugly by the color of their of skin but by thier bone structure. Not even by that really ,because we all have different tastes in which bone structure is beautiful. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. We shouldnt see a person and as soon as you see his/ her shade he/she is ugly or pretty. In my opinion, lets take Alicia Keys for instance, she has beautiful smooth butter scotch skin, but her skin TONE alone doesnt make her beautiful. I personally dont think her bone structure in her face is all that. People see her complexion, stop right there and, oh she is beautiful. Thats not how it should go. I was tellin Devin about popularity in school, and being teased. Of course he justified teasing people, because he was popular. And how he wants Kira to be popular and go to parties on school nights and not focuse on her school work during the week. Popularity has nothing to do with nothing. Maybe if he weren't so popular and worrying about teasing people he would be in a better job situation then what he is in now. He really has complexes that he neeeds to work through. And sometimes I wonder how i deal with him and how can i love his personality. MY PATIENCE is wearing thin. His thinking is so immature. He really angers me sometimes. My dad said that from here on out i might as well get used to being annoyed with him. Because we will never see eye to eye. I just hop eit changes as he grows up and matures. I just try not to talk to him much because the more i find out the more i dislike about him and know i should leave. I know i wrong for disliking a person for how he is, and instead of harboring this resentment i should just leave. ut just as i see all this bad horrible crap that i feel i cant deal with i see many wonderful qualities that i cant let go of. i know that i dont write about them as much but i notice them and they are there. I think i just need to work on not paying his asshole ways no mind and focusing on my baby girl. I have sooo much to instill on her and I. I have to instill it in myself in order to lead by example. i think that my leading/ living by example will be her biggest support and influence.
The little girl in the book, eventually stands up for herself to the bully. But only after the girl had influenced her and intimidated her into doing a bunch of crap she really didnt want to do. I dont desire Kira to be popular or unpopular, but if she is unpopular i want her to have the same REAL, INTERNAL strength and confidence those big mouth popular girls put on to have. It's not real, because if it were real they would hve to make other people feel bad , or tease them for how they are. (Kira: "Even if you dont feel a person is beautiful in your mind, NEVER, EVER make them feel bad or look down on them for how they were born. If you dont like thier personality, or how they are, simply stay away from them dont hate them. And stand firm in your beliefs. Listen and be able to RESPECT others, but dont change who you are for them."

Friday, December 21, 2007

Aint I A Women?

Aint I a woman?A found poem from Sojourner Truth's most famous speech, adapted into poetic form by Erlene Stetson click here to see the full text of the speech, in non-poem format.
That man over there say a woman needs to be helped into carriagesand lifted over ditches and to have the best place everywhere.Nobody ever helped me into carriages or over mud puddles or gives me a best place. . .
And ain't I a woman? Look at me Look at my arm! I have plowed and plantedand gathered into barns and no man could head me. . . And ain't I a woman? I could work as muchand eat as much as a man-- when I could get to it--and bear the lash as well and ain't I a woman?I have born 13 children and seen most all sold into slaveryand when I cried out a mother's grief none but Jesus heard me. . .and ain't I a woman? that little man in black there saya woman can't have as much rights as a man cause Christ wasn't a womanWhere did your Christ come from? From God and a woman!Man had nothing to do with him! If the first woman God ever madewas strong enough to turn the world upside down, all alone together women ought to be able to turn it rightside up again.

Still I Rise: She will Rise and be Phenomenal!

Still I Rise

You may write me down in historyWith your bitter, twisted lies,You may trod me in the very dirtBut still, like dust, I'll rise.Does my sassiness upset you?Why are you beset with gloom?'Cause I walk like I've got oil wellsPumping in my living room.Just like moons and like suns,With the certainty of tides,Just like hopes springing high,Still I'll rise.Did you want to see me broken?Bowed head and lowered eyes?Shoulders falling down like teardrops.Weakened by my soulful cries.Does my haughtiness offend you?Don't you take it awful hard'Cause I laugh like I've got gold minesDiggin' in my own back yard.You may shoot me with your words,You may cut me with your eyes,You may kill me with your hatefulness,But still, like air, I'll rise.Does my sexiness upset you?Does it come as a surpriseThat I dance like I've got diamondsAt the meeting of my thighs?Out of the huts of history's shameI riseUp from a past that's rooted in painI riseI'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.Leaving behind nights of terror and fearI riseInto a daybreak that's wondrously clearI riseBringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,I am the dream and the hope of the slave.I riseI riseI rise. Maya Angelou


Pretty women wonder where my secret liesI'm not cute or built to suit a model's fashion sizeBut when I start to tell them They think I'm telling lies. I say It's in the reach of my arms The span of my hips The stride of my steps The curl of my lips. I'm a woman Phenomenally Phenomenal woman That's me.
I walk into a room Just as cool as you please And to a man The fellows stand or Fall down on their knees Then they swarm around me A hive of honey bees. I say It's the fire in my eyes And the flash of my teeth The swing of my waist And the joy in my feet. I'm a woman Phenomenally Phenomenal woman That's me.
Men themselves have wondered What they see in me They try so much But they can't touch My inner mystery. When I try to show them They say they still can't see. I say It's in the arch of my back The sun of my smile The ride of my breasts The grace of my style. I'm a woman Phenomenally Phenomenal woman That's me.
Now you understand Just why my head's not bowed I don't shout or jump about Or have to talk real loud When you see me passing It ought to make you proud. I say It's in the click of my heels The bend of my hair The palm of my hand The need for my care. 'Cause I'm a woman Phenomenally Phenomenal woman That's me.

What I Want With My Daughter

I would never tell anyone this but you guys. lol IF anyone reads my blog.
But in our life together i want to experience so much with Kira. She has to grow physically, mentally, and spiritually. She will never know how much she will help ME grow physically, mentally, and spiritually. It's so funny how me pouring myself into helping her, will be in turn helping me. I am forever grateful to her for that. "THANK YOU BABY GIRL! MOMMY LOVES YOU!"
A healthy well rounded lifestyle is what i want for her. I read in a book that mothers who ate a lot of junk food ( cookies, cakes, pies, McD's ect...) that their babies were more inclined to eat junk and only WANT junk , therefore leading to obese children. Ewww! That is so unhealthy. I dont mind big people, because there are genetic inclinations towards bigness, or slower metabolisms that some people have. And i some have a weakness towards sweets ( i know i do). However, you dint have to be big and UNHEALTHY. I want to eat healthier. Honestly I have been eating too much junk while pregnant with the baby. This week, i promise myself to eat more veggies and fruits, so that when she is born we can lean toward a vegetarian lifestyle. It will be hard for me, but i know i can do it. For both of our sakes. If she does choose to eat meat, i dont want that to be all she eats. I want her to at least like eating her veggies. Personally, i love veggies. And yes i want her to love veggies to . Why? Because they are more healthy for you as a growing child and a adult to eat a surplus of veggies as opposed to a surplus of sweets and meat. There are so many benefits to cutting down on meat and sweet intake. The way you look and feel are the biggest. On top of that, your Dr's records will show you as a healthier person.

I want to be more spiritual. i want to KNOW beyond doubt what i believe in. I want her to know and be able to explain what she believes in and not grow up questioning rather or not she believes in god, (if she does, THEN BELIEVE IT and KNOW WHY, if she doesn't, THEN BELIEVE IT and KNOW WHY with CONVICTION), how she got here, who the first humans were and their race, what happens to us after death and that there is no need to be afraid of death or god. I want to practice clearing the mind and body through yoga and body detoxing. ( i can hear me now, on the way to get our colon cleansed. "Don't be afraid of cleansing baby girl. It doesnt hurt too bad. Gotta get all that old boo boo out, it's not good for your body")

I want us to both have natural hair. No perms. There is no need to permanently change the texture of your hair. It is ok to be YOU. Yes i have tattoos and have permanently changed my body in that aspect but, they are ME. They represent different times in my life. There is no need to change your hair to fit in. On top of that, perms are unhealthy. They effect your brain and other aspects of your health. I want her to stay natural because this is the hairstyle is most feared and damned in our community. This perception need to change, we need to stop fearing our hair. We need to learn about our natural hair and love it. No other race has the perception about the way their hair naturally grows out of their head the way black people do. Nor do they change it's natural pattern or the way it grows out of thier heads, as a whole, the way black people do. This needs to stop.

I want to teach her sign language. I really need to go back to school for it. But this would be a really cute secret language to share just between mommy and daughter.

I want the both of us to be in self defense classes. I believe it is our right as humans and women especially to know how to fight and do it well. To train our natural defenses to be the best that they can be. Natural defenses through the gift of gab FIRST. And if the person still isnt trying to hear it then the proper beat down will just have to do. lol. If she is attached there is no time for civilized gift of gab, it is time to spring into action and defend ones self.

I want us to both share a love for reading and education. Be persistent in your school work. I love to read already, but i want her to see me doing it more. for my benefit and hers. The world is somehow run by a bunch of idiots. Non-educated dumb asses. You know i'm right. The world belongs to the idiot. I want her to choose to read a book to develope her speaking ability and mental skills. as opposed to sitting in front of the television while her mind goes into retarded mode and not being stimulated by anything. I read in a book that children should not eve watch television for the first two years of thier life to develop proper motor skills and mental development so critical in these first few years of her life. I want her value her education,knowing that you cant do NOTHING with a high school diploma. Knowing that the more education you get , and the more you know as a women the more respect you get. hell, the more money you get ("baby girl, you dont want to be 30 and still struggling")

I want us to travel together. Go places and do things. New and exciting things. Camping, hiking, boat ride and the such. I want us to go to South Africa, Europe, Rome, Italy, Paris, China, Japan, Morocco, Egypt, Hawaii, and fiji. We would be so cute together. Dressed in the native garb of these lands. When we go to islands, dressed in our bathing suites with white sand in our toes and hair, and floating in blue water. Dancing to ethnic music, learning phrases in different languages, and trying all the ethnic vegeterian meals. Just loving one another and being close mother and daughter. lol.

Those are the basics. lol. I know i cant expect her her to love and like everything i do , but i these basic principles are what is best for her to get through life with out being dependent on anyone, without being hurt (physically or emotionally without the ability to get over it) by anyone, without being weak minded. Without being prejudice and judgmental, or close minded. Without being afraid.

To AKira:
Little girl i pray that you listen to me. Let me guide you. Let me be your strength and your rock to lean on. I promise i will be here for you, i will listen to you, i will understand you. I wont mislead to you, lie to you, i will never hurt you. Let me protect you, I PROMISE i WILL protect you. Come to me, tell me your fears, tell me how you feel. Know that you ALWAYS can. No matter what anyone says, no matter how bad you may think it is. I'll LISTEN. Even if you choose a different path i will support your happiness. Just let me in your life, i will never leave you. Lets share these things to keep us close and in love. You are my sunflower in a garden full of weeds. You don't know how much i love you, how much of a blessing you are to me. You sweet angel. I will never let a day pass that i wont tell you i love you. You beautiful, princess.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Counting My Blessings

I have been wollowing in my hurt and dissapointments these past few days. I have only been focusing on what is wrong in my life and what i DONT have. But i will focus on what is right in my life. So i will list them:
1.My Baby
2.My Baby
3.My Baby
4.My health (for the most part, nothing horrible)
5.My daddy.
6. a good boyfriend (he could be alot worse. i do love him and appreciate him)
7.my daddy
8. my mom
9.a place to live in
10.a car to drive
11. food to eat
12.my spiritual awareness ('happy is the man contious of his spiritual need')
13.ability to think and laugh, and pray
14.a job. (it might not be what i want, but it's better then nothing. the man on the corner has nothing)
15.my uncle steve
Thats all i think of now. i know this isnt were it ends so as i think of more i will add to it.

I Wonder

If it is possible to subcontiously like drama and welcome it in your life. A while ago something happened with a old friend and we wound up getting into it and not really being close anymore. I LITERALLY do not know HOW what happened, happened. Someone got a email that wasn't supposed to be and all this stuff got started because it looked like i sent the email. I NEVER did. I would NEVER do something like that. She said that some people like drama in thier life and subcontiously start stuff to keep stuff going. The wierd thing is that i REALLY hate drama. i try to avoid it at all cost. so how does it keep finding me? WHY does it keep finding me?! it always seems to be soemthing going on. as much as i want to have friends it always seems to be something going on and i wind up loosing them. i dont want this around my baby. i am almost to the point were i dont want to try to aquire friends anymore. i just want it to be me and my baby. i want to focuse all of my energy on her, not drama, and having my belly sick and upset. DAMN SHIT!

A Hard Week

This week has been rather difficult for me. It wont get any better for me any time soon, so i mine as well get used to it. lol. I have been working pretty hard, really long shifts and not sleeping as much. Not to mention all the crap i have on my mind has been oober draining. i have been crying off and on for two days. and this is the first time i have not told a soul what is wrong. i figured i would just write it and whomever would like to read it , be my guess. i don't mind sharing my personal business with you all as long it helps you out in some way shape of form. lol.
1. a friend of mine and i got into it a little. I am not too much worried about it anymore. i was at first, at first i had knots in my stomach, i was crying and felt really sick. But i was mad at myself for feeling sad and weak. I can get over the situation that transpired. But i cant get over how i dealt with it. I HATE how i dealt with it. I dealt with it by crying and being upset and backing down. i didn't curse and tell her what i REALLY wanted to (which was to call her all types of bitches). I bite my tongue and made myself cry and be all upset to spare her feelings, but i dont think she did that to me. And this is what always happens. I am always trying to care so much and spare people's feelings when , which makes me weak and not a fighter. I didnt want to hurt her feelings, but i held back. something i should not have done when i felt it was not being being done for me. I told myself i would no longer be this way. i told myself that, for my daughter i would be strong and formidable, and not back down from an argument or hold my tongue or allow people to do or say what they want. I told myself, i was no longer going to be intimidated by no man, women, child, or beast. And that is exactly what i was. i was intimidated. i feel scared and sad these past few days and i know my baby could feel that. that is not a trait of mine i want her to have. i dont want her to back down. i want to be strong, opinionated and not intimidated by anyone. come what may, if you feel you will loose a friend or your life, loose it STRONG and SURE OF YOURSELF, knowing that you are not wrong or scared.
2. My mom really yelled at me yesterday morning and i cried about that too. I just hate how she talks to me sometimes. it's like she wants to have a reason to yell at me, or make me less like a person, and i backed down. i CRIED! She yelled at me and i CRIED! I should have yelled back! I should have been strong. Because i did not disrespect her. If I have not disrespected a person i don not expect to have it done to me. i will NOT be disrespected or intimidated by ANYONE. I just wish it was as easy for me to do as it is for me to type. i know that in both situations i was not SO wrong as to deserve the treatment that i got and that is what bothers me. i took it and cried about it. i took it sitting down, i just plan old took it. i don't want that for my baby girl. she cant be that way.
Dont get me wrong i wont raise a bitch, but i will raise someone a lot less intimidated then i am.
3.i haven't really stood up for myself with boyfriend's family. And i can tell already that their will be hell to pay if i do not. i will be walked all over if i don't learn to talk up for myself while dealing with them. his mom will keep saying shit, and disrespecting me behind my back and i need to nip in the bud.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Self Deffense

lol. could you imagine baby tai kwon doe!? lol. I would like to enroll Kira in some self deffense classes as soon as possible. So that she always has a edge when/ if she is alone. I want her to be able to wack some balls if they get out of line. lol. i know having her will put me in contact with avenues of my personality that need to be brought out and refined. Hense why i want to be a more spiritual person. To lead by example and instill the proper values in her. i want us to do yoga together, and bake cookies and other really gay stuff. lol

I would like to find some mommy/ baby yoga classes to get my body back in shape. i think she will like it. I know i will. It will be relaxing to her. something we can share together. i would like for the two of us to be vegeterian, natural, yoga lovin combo. lol. i wont push it on her, but i will introduce it to her young so it's not hard for her to get used to.

Medical Bills

are pilling up. I have already accumulated over 3,000.00 in medical bills from my sergury in the beginning of the pregnancy. i cant believe and am really mad. 2008 is the year to get all of that together and out of my hair. That and the CitiBank crap. I really want to get my credit together. For Kira. So i can buy her a house. lol. And pay for her to go to school when she's old enough. You know, i dont know if i tolf you this. but i learned the other day that a human's personality is shaped in the first 6 years of thier life. The next six yearsrs look to be COMPLETELY booked for me. lol. I only have this little bit of time to shape the person needed? Hmmm.....lol.

My Cats

I am terribly sad to report that tonight i will be getting rid of the boycat. I just can t handle both of them right now. Just Egypt is good. I am not taking care of them the way i should and i just dont want the both of them around the baby. B4 Akira gets here i have soo much work to do to the house in preparation for her. Dissinfecting the house, throwing away many things, and getting Egypt taken care of. I hope that by then i will be in a new apartment. a two bedroom, or getting ready to move in one. My heart is saddened by my decision. I want my boycat. he is soo sweet. but i cant have it all.

Seems Like A lot

has been happening lately but i cant remember now what i have been wanting to write. This week and next few weeks will be sort of stressful. Because i will be working a little extra to make up for money we need saved. i really wish boyfriend would get a second job. that would help me/ us out so much. i often wonder why he is dragging his feet about it. i am worried. i am worried about rather or not we will have enough money to save for the little girl. i will be working my butt off to make sure she has what she needs. i dont even know if i will be getting a baby shower or whatever. i just dont have the money and now ( just as i predicted would happen) his mom is acting funny. You know that family really, really, really gets under my skin at times. but this is the hand i was dealt, or should i say chose. They arent BAD people, please dont misunderstand the situation, they are just reallu funny acting and weird to me. His mom and i had a reallylong conversation this weekend and i just feel so uneasy about it. About them. Whatever, i dont go with them, i go with boyfriend and thats all that matters. i just cant wait for Kira to get here because i REALLY wonder how things will transpire with her in the mix. ACTUALLY HERE. I have been trying not to think about it too much. As a matter of fact i have resolved that in themonth of January for the new year i will take control of my own happiness. i will HELP myself. I have been doing a lot better with this, but not as well as i could be. I must pray for myself a lot more. Pray, Pray, Pray.

Getting the LIfe I Deserve

I will pledge to myself that STARTING today and during the year of 2008 I will focuse on attaining the life that my daughter and I DESERVE. No, not need, or want. But that what is due to us. It is due to her. She is supposed to have this life.
This is my year to be the women I have always wanted to be. This year I will put AKIRA RAQUELL and LAKESHAI AREALLE first. Starting 12/18/07, TODAY, I will focuse on steps to achieve my goals. Ever since 2006 I have known that I want FINANCIAL INDEPENDENCE, and a FULFILLED PERSOANAL LIFE.
Today I will create a plan to realize my dreams.
This is my year to achieve 5 goals:
Negative factors real and imagined will no longer be obstacles to my success. To get over NOT SAVING, I will stop SPENDING. To get over MONEY MANAGMENT ISSUES, I will pray that I EXERCISE SELF CONTROL. To get over NOT HAVING MONEY, I plan to WORK MORE. To get over SPIRITUAL LONGING, I will pray that I RELY COMPLETELY ON GOD FOR STRENGTH. I know I will be successful because it is my dream to HAVE FINANCIAL INDEPENDENCE AND SPIRITUAL FULFILLMENT FOR MY DAUGHTER AND I.
To stay on track I will have my friend LAKESHAI AREALLE (ME) check in on my progress every week and hold me accountable. This is my personal 2008 pledge to myself so that I can realize my dreams and live the wonderful life WE fully deserve.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

My heart goes out to my DAUGHTER

I cringe when i think of what i have to raise her in. this world. it's so cruel and heartless. only for her pure white innocence to be tainted and tarnished by so called "family'', ''friends'', and ''humans'' who she has to coexist with. i wish i could move her to some sort of civilized island with normal people and raise her to love, nurture and be strong. raise her to fear no man, be independent, and open minded. i want her to have structure in the right areas ( her education, her personal life, and her morals) without being so tightly wound that she cant see past black and white. i want, i want, i want! i want to cry for my daughter. because i know that on her own accord she is going to make decisions that will make me want to RING HER NECK and they will hurt her. and i wont be able to stop the hurt. i want to cry for my daughter because people will hurt her, misunderstand her, judge her and fight her (physically, mentally, and emotionally). I want to cry for my daughter because there will be time i CANT walk for her, i cant guide her. she will be on her own. i want to cry for my daughter because people will want to shut her up , stomp her down, and scare her. They will call her ugly (because this world is just MEAN)

but i wont cry. I will be strong. and i will raise her to be the same way. i wont cry because when she makes that decision that will make me want to ring her neck, she'll have the sense to realize her mistakes, learn from them, and grow. she'll stop her hurt and I'll be right there cheering her on. I wont cry for my daughter because when people hurt her, misunderstand her, judge her and want to fight her. She wont quiver because she has a pussy. She will continue to walk strong, high and fight back. Fight with her words, her education, HER FIST! I wont cry for my daughter because when i cant walk for her, or guide her she will have god and legions of angels on her side to walk with her. i wont walk for her, but i too will walk WITH her. I wont cry for my daughter because when they try to shut her up, stomp her down, or scare her. She wont be, she'll be fearless, opinionated tall. when people call her names and ugly , her feelings wont be hurt. she'll know beyond any doubt that she is beautiful, black and a princess. my princess, a raising queen. I'm raising a queen.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

25 weeks pregnant! 105 days to go:

I am so nervous and scared. I get these fluttery nervous ( butterflies in my stomach) feeling. I am worried about giving birth premature. The factors that i am worried about with this is that i have had for my entire pregnancy and am having high stress levels, i'm anemic, and i work on my feet a lot. So i told my second job that i would still like to work my 24 hours a week which would NORAMLLY be 8 hours per day on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. but so that i wont have to stand onmy feet for 8 hours straight i want just 4 hours a day for 6 days. Fri-Wed mornings. That wont be too bad. and i will be able to come home and sleep.

Yesturday i was really nervous because i was having these pains in my lower abdomen. Like sore to touch pains. My next baby appointment is next tuesday. I cant wait for that. i will be able to talk to my dr face to face about all of my concerns. I have to remember to write them all down. I really need to get back on top of things far as getting a bigger apartment goes. Now i just dont have the time. lol.

I did my hair tonight while at work. i do feel a lot better about that. Cant wait to get my nails done again so that i can show off.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Just writting

This weekend was quit the interesting one. I went to thanksgiving dinner with Devin's family. it was interesting. The women were nice but his uncles were stand offish. Thats just them. When i tried to tell this to Devin of course i was the wrong and crazy one. Well, not in those word exactly, but he didnt feel my feeling about them were even understandable. He didnt sympathise with me at all. I miss my family and how we are. Happy, loud and bubbly! He said he wouldmt like being around people like that. Of course not. He doesnt like anything nice. He wants people to step on his toes when we go to public places, he doesnt want people (family) ro be bubbly and happy. Just ignorant. He likes stuff ghetto. I dont understand him. Some more stuff went down this weekend. For one, when i got paid i bought some things that i NEEDED for the house. A vacuum cleaner, clothse detergent ect. When i got done all that i had like 60.00 dollars left. I was salty because i wanted to get my nails done or my hair but i wouldnt be able to . Si Devin said well, this is what i will do, you can wash youclothse at my house so that you can at least get your nails done. So i go to his house put my clothse in the washer and go to get my naisl done. Evidently he told hismom that i wanted to SAVE the money i was going to use to wash my clothse. So when we came in the house from going to get my nails done his mom sats to Devin "you cant be saving too much money if you are going to get your nails done." He came and told me what she said. and i was HEATED!! Because 1.she doesnt know what i am saving or notsaving. She doesnt know my finances. If i chose to save 40.00 for the baby and get my nails done with 20 that is my choice. 2. If you ae going to let me use your washer and dryer do it out of the kindness of your heart. Not so that you can feel what you want me do with my money is mundain. And i'm even more upset because or course with Devin there wasnt a understanding ear. He didnt say "Ki you are WRONG" But he also wasnt understanding and sympathetic. He was on his mom's side the whole time. He never stands behind me. I could see if i only had one job or was lazy. But i work two jobs so that i can be able to get my hair done or my nails doneand still save. I'm not on Welfare, i'm not a dead beat. Devin makes me feel bad because i want to get my nals done. This is MY money that i work hard for . I'm not spending HIS. or his MOM'S. If i want to get my nails done i shouldnt have to feel bad about it. So his mom gave us a talk about money. I was ANGRY. I will never ask her for money, i will never use her washer and dryer again. I dont know what would make me thnk it was ok to do that. I know she doesnt like me. I talked to my dad, he was understanding. Devin makes me angry bevause no matterwhat i do there is room for him to pick at me and for me to be wrong. My decisions are never ok. There is always something wrong with it.

This weekend i was thinking or telling him i need a break. He told me, " YOu always think about breaking up with me when you DO stuff thats wrong and i dont even think of breaking up with you, i just say stuff that's wrong." Ok, yes i have toldmy best friend about some of our problems, i was wrong for that. But i havnt in awhile. And he does do stuff. Not standing by my side, not being understanding, immaturity, i'm always wrong. Sometimes i want to do this alone until she gets here. i'm not saying it's a long time, just until Kira is born. I really need understanding support right now. If i were alone i wouldnt need to explain myself, i could save what i want. Do what i want with my money. I wouldmt be angry. I wouldnt be sad cause he doesnt understand me.

I didnt break up with him. And i know i wont, i love him too much and he is a beautiful person, just annoying as hell. lol. God bless us.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Hmmmm I Feel Sad

A friend of mine is going through a ruckuss and i hate feeling unable to help. Not to mention that i dont think she wants my help. I feel sad because i dont have anyone to really confide in. i am pregnant and I am going through a rough time and I have noone by my side. Dont get me wrong. i am not exspecting the world to spot turning because KiKi is pregnant. But what would it hurt to ge a little extra love. It seems like all my friends are only concerned with themselves. And here again, i'm not saying that everyone should be concerned soly with me, but i thought friends were supposed to help one another out. I have one friend, when she calls me it's all about her life and her problems and another who says (in a nut shell) who says you have drama and i cant be bothered with anyone eles drama but my own right now and turns around and spills her guts to me about her life. And her spilling her guts is not a problem, lord knows the women is going through right now but what about me. Cant we all just help and lean upon one another. Devin always makes me feel i am wrong for how I feel. Or even if I know i am wrong he can be sooo unconsoling at times. He doesnt mean to be. He is just very black and white and right and wrong. And if I am WRONG I'm WRONG and there is no consoling me through my problems. That hurts. For noone to be in my corner during my pregnancy is annoying! Oh well. Someone told me life is such and such is life. I 'll just have to deal. here again this will help me be a lot more independent. My baby is much consolation to me. I never thought it true when my friends and family with children would tell me that when they see there babies and they are going through a problem that problems seems so much better with the presence of their child. Just thinking of Kira makes my life better. She's my life saver. No she's more like a Hersey's Kiss. lol

Sunday, November 11, 2007


with a vengence!lol. ok this may be a TMI but i promised that i would write EVERYTHING during my pregnancy. And while i felt it wasnt needed to mention that it left or not so much LEFT as is it just didnt really increase or decrease. but this is sooo drastic because i have just jumped from hum drum normal to HOT HORNY MaMa! lol. I swear i must have jumped on him 17 times today. lol. ok not really 17 but at least 5. And we made love for like 6 hours. It was amazing. And i do love him oh so much. that makes it better.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

To My daughter : Akira (cupiecake)

Do you know me? Do you know who I am? Do you know how I love you. I cant wait to hold you in my arms, to kiss you, and look into your eyes. An angel and a gift from god is what you are. Special and irriplacable is what you mean. I cant wait to come home to you, pick you up and love you. I promise you my life, I promise you my love and attention. I know you are beautiful inside and out. My sweet , sweet baby girl.

He Makes me Angry, but......

I love him. Yeah thats so cliche' and i hate writting it. But it's so true for me. He can be the most annoying, childish person i know and turn around and be the sweetest most mature person i know. At the end of the day Devin is my heart and means the world to me. I know we struggle , but he works hard and is kind. He's important and special to me. lol

Monday, November 5, 2007

Akira RYEquell???? WHAT?!?!

I tought of Akira, Devin thought of Riequell. hmmmm. Yeah, that's right. What is supposed to be Raquell has been changed to be pronounced in the most GHETTO, HORRIBLE fashion EVER. Do you understand what i am saying? Do you understand how he wants this name pronounced?RYE- QUELL! Like fuckin RYE bread! What the hell is that? And everytime i say Raquell he corrects me and makes me say it the other ghetto way. And today he hauled off and said that he was spelling it so that it looks like RYEQUELL. God, I hate it, i hate it, i hate it!!! I told him how ghetto it is. And how much i HATE it, but it doesnt matter to him because Akira is half his child too. He LIKES ghetto. I dont know why. He's not FROM the ghetto, nor does he ACT ghetto. How can he see ghetto as a GOOD thing? Thats like liking hillbilly, or fuckin redneck style. And seeing that as being ok. Then he went on to say that with our second girl he is naming her Devin. Now, mind you, when we were trying to think of boy names and i wanted him to be a Sr. and have a Devin jr he HATED the idea. Said no all around. But then, for some dumb ass reason he LIKES Devin for a GIRL??? A GIRL????!!! How is that ok? I dont understand. He makes absolutely no sense to me. And he's not backing down or compromising about ANYTHING! Sometimes his thinking is so ANNOYING. We were talking the other day about some aspect of raising Akira and EVERYTHING he says is just immature and WRONG! And how I KNOW it's NOT just ME is because i ask other people there opinion on the matters we discuss. Other mature people. Like our parents. And they all feel how I do. It's not about me being vindicated or anything. It's about what right and wrong and right and healthy for our child. But he's OFF somewhere/ somehow. He told me the other day that he would not be so head strong about Akira when she gets here, that he would back back about a lot of issues. But i dont see that happening at all. Just based off of the conversation we had tonight. He's not going to. I know that we are going to be at odds with one another and this hurts so bad. I told him the other night that sometimes i feel like After Akira gets here we will be at each other's throat so much and I will eventutally tire of hearing his defensive, immature mouth that I will leave. By myself. I know i would come back and probably wouldnt be for long but i see myself getting to that point. I would feel like " well, you raise her!". I know me. But I also know that at the same time I couldnt leave my baby. That would be selfish reasons and I would miss her terribly. but i would leave to clear my head. or i would take her with me. God i'm nervous. I wonder what this is going to do to us when she is born. I wonder how it will effect her. It cant effect her, i wont let it. She wont know, it's none of her business.

Monday, October 29, 2007


God, although things are beginning to turn around for me. This has been a hard few days and it's getting ready to be a even harder next few days. I am terribly upset because i have been thinking of how i have ruined my life and burnt so many bridges with people, family, and friends. This weekend y cousin and I got intoit really bad and although she said some pretty hurtful things a lot of what she said was true and the truth hurts. I have fucked my life and fucked Akira's before she has even arrived. I am trying to develope independence and pride about myself and those speak for me. I am so tired. So this weekend I started my second job. I liked it although it's hella busy. But i am not lazy. Plus with this job it's pay day on the opposite weeks then on my full time job at Good Samaritan. So it will be like i am getting paid every week. That will be nice. Since i have a budgetting problem.

I am thinking about the people that i have hurt and i how i have no support. The fact that i have no support doesnt really bother me , in the sence that i am happy that this will FORCE me to be independent. But i am sorry about how i have hurt themand how i dont even have the OPTION of asking anyone for help. I am sorry to all of you. Anyone whom i have ever opened my mouth on, anyone whom i just didnt THINK with, i am sorry. I am sorry to my family most of all. I am sorry for the pain and shame i have caused you all, I am sorry for the hurt I am putting my mother through. I wish there was a way i could mend these relationships. I have decided to be alone for the next few days. I am cold, and lonely. What a bad combination.

I have accomplished 2 out of my 4 goals i set for myself. Next i will get an 1 bedroom apartment. Devin says he wants to move in with me. But he isnt making any moves to get a second job or to move inthe apartment i have now with me. Plus i want to do tis on my own. I will find a one bedroom apartment on my own for me and my baby. and furnish it. She'll like that. In a couple weeks i will look into making apointments for us. Then i will go back to school while she is little. It will only be 9 mos. To major in IT. Informations Systems. That is a well paying feild.

Sunday, October 21, 2007


I am so excited that i having a little girl. Her name is Akira Raquell. She was sooo cute on the screen. She was pointing her finger and moving her lips. Her daddy always does that. lol. She was moving all around. Kicking her arms and legs. I love her so much. I am so happy that i am having a girl. That is what i really wanted. She is such a blessing. I know she will help me to get my life together. She's my snoodle cake. I love her more then i could ever tryy to explain.

Another thing. I got a second job. I was happy about going on my interviews this weekend. And this job pays 10 dollars an hour. On Friday's Saturdays and Sundays. Perfect days.

I am extremely nervous about having a girl though. The world is so hard on women. Men can be so ruthless. The world is AUTOMATICALLY OPEN to men. Women have to MAKE the world open to then. And that is damn hard.

Friday, October 19, 2007


Til I know what i am having. Devin and Aerica are supposed to be here at 7:00 am. I am too excited. I want a girl so bad. I cant believe this is so real . I cant believe this is happeneing to me. A highlight of this week is that i was able to pay off all my bills. and crap. I even have enough gas money. Also, i have like 2 interviews this weekend. I like it whe i take care of business and i feel accomplished. I feel so responsible and proud of myself. Devin said that he wants to propose to me. He said maybe at Christmas time. I just hope he can take care of us. His family. I KNOW he has the desire, the will power and the "know how". I just wonder if he will make it happen. it sounds like i dont have faith in him, and really that is not it. i do. it's just that life is so hard and it's hard for no reason, i just wonder if we can keep our family together, tight and in love. i cant wait to teach my baby about values, morals, and principles. i mean basics Like :
1. respect
4.trusting in the right things
6.good citizenship
7.not being predjudice/racist/judgemental
9.open mindedness
I saw Devin's dad today in real life (i'v only seen pictures) from a distance and he didnt speak. it hurts so bad that i want to teach an instill all these good positive things into my child and it has to brought into a family and around people that has so much shit with them. People not liking and not speaking to one another, people being phoney, and just so much pointless shit! I HATE IT! i have tried talking about it, and proposing alturnative ideas but nobody wants to hear it. nobbody wants to move or change for the better. they really feel that it's ok to be this way. and i guess i cant blame them, or change them. the only person i can blame is myself for getting myself pregnant and our family having so many issues. Now there is NOTHING i can do about it. I really tried, but nobody but me seems to care. So all i can worry about is me and my baby's relationship. i;m not wrong for wanting things to be better, it just makes me angry that people can be so bull headed and stubborn. So mean and heartless. Life requires cooporation and the foundation for that cooperation is respect. Besides Devin and I there is not cooperation and there is no respect. I HATE IT.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Just Writting

Feeling good but a little overwhelmed. I have been running all around town trying to find another job. and trying to handle my business. I have filled out so many applications. I just hope something comes through really soon. I have been trying to do too many things at once. I have been trying to find an apartment AND trying to find a second job all at once. I think i just , no, i KNOW i just need to focus on getting a second job first. My resume look sreally nice. so i like that. This weekend i will focus COMPLETELY on filling out as many applications as i possibly can. Also, i want to focus on going back to school . So tomorrow or Friday I will take a ride up to Tesst and see what i need to reenroll and change my major. Yes, i will change my major. I hope that is a smart move. Medical Assisting just is not where my heart is. I think maybe I would like to get more into computers. Something where I dont have to deal too much with people. I have also decided to give the van back to my dad and get a car ON MY OWN. I dont want to be under the wing of my parents anymore, that is another reason why i want to move out of the apartment that i have been living in for the past year. Cause my mom is my landlord. They will neversee me as a independent WOMEN and MOTHER if i keep depending on them, and it will just keep giving them reason to control me . NOT FEELING IT.

I have heartburn so bad. I hate this. I cant belive I only have one more day til i can find out what my baby is. I cant wait to be able to address it by it's name and sex. And begin to shop for it. lol. There is so much to do and so little time. lol. There has to be another job available in the Baltimore area. Why is it so hard to do this? To find one. I want my baby to know and feel that i do everyting for it. I love it so much. I will give my life for it and will do everything in my power to protect and provide for it, 3, 4, 5x's more what i had. And i had it good growing up.

I wish my mom and I were closer during this stage in my life. I wish she would be in the room with me while I give birth. I could die, but i guess that doesnt matter. I dont even know if she would come if my dad comes. I hope so , i'll ask her. hop eshe doesnt say anything to piss me off though when i do ask her. lol. I hope it's not that serious for her. Maybe she has thought about it over the months and feels differently now. I hope so .

So, I have begain a new challenge for myself. Starting today I have decided to eat and live like how i am supposed to for the rest of my pregnancy because i have eatting everything under the sun and not exercising like i know i should so here are the details:
1. exercise daily
2.protective hair style
3. no stress
4. no junk foods
6. water, water, water

I think I can keep up with that. THis weeken I have sooomuch to do. GOSH!!
1. pay my bills
-car note
-car insurance
2.Go to the Grocery store
3.Go to the laundromat
-clothse detergent
-other nic naks
5.Get my social Security Card
6. drop off / fill out more applications
7. ultrasound on Friday.
8.Clean my house
9. Cook for this week

so i guess i'm done this post. Iwill write and let you all know how things go
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Sunday, October 14, 2007


I find out what i am having. i am terribly excited. I really want a girl, but i think i NEED a boy. To make me a more well rounded women. A boy will toughen me up. I look forward to that from him. I have a huntch it's a boy. I will also be finding out if there are any neaurological defects and anything physically wrong with my baby. I am praying about that. After this visit i will really be able to calm down and ENJOY being pregnant. Not that i havnt enjoyed it thus far, i just mean without any worrys.

My New Car!!!

LOL!!! YES!! I finally got it. Remember i was saying that was one of my goals? Well, i couldnt wait to get better so i could start accomplishing some of my goals. I am terribly excited. It's a "mommy mini van" lol. I love it. It's a green Murcury Villager. I took over the payments from my dad. He was being terribly annoying and controling about it. One of the conditions was that i have to go to the Kingdom hall. That was irritating. Only because it' not in my heart to go right now. I mean i understand his reasoning, but he cant force this to be in my heart, he cant force me to reinstated. He already is telling me who to cut out my life and so forth. Before i know it, he'll be somehow making me break up with Devin, and making me write my reinstament letter. And he'll be backing me into a corner about it. Making me feel there is no other way out. Like he did with the van and everything eles. I think i will have to give him a good firm talking to in the morning about that. Because i dont want him forcing me to do anything.

Next I will focuse on getting a bigger house, and a second job. As a metter of fact i got a call back from one of the places i dropped my resume off at. lol. And this weekend Devin and I will be looking for a apartment together. Thats cool. And all my OB-GYN visit went pretty good this week. The only thing she said was that i am anemic and to take a iron pill.


I was incredibly sick and unable to write. I wasnt at work. I felt terrible though. I had a REALLY big and painful cyst in my back. Not cool. I ended up having a surgery to remove it. I was really nervous about the sergury because its not good for the baby. But, the Dr. didnt out me to sleep. I stayed in the hospital for 2 days. That was a interesting experience. The dr's and nurses were REALLY sweet and caring, but it was the first time i went through this type of thing with my mom and my family. Devin was a angel during my ordeal. He changed my bandages every morning and every night. And too really good care of me. I appreciate him. But the one good thing to happen that made me feel a lot better was that was the month i first felt my baby move. lol. I remember exactly. I was laying on my belly watching television and felt a really fast flutter. lol. Now i feel it all the time. Witout having to lay on my belly. But it's cooler when i do. lol

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Thursday, August 23, 2007

Just Me

Thinking about a lot of things. Liek how my dad is really getting on my nerves! He's so controlling and i hate it. He wants me / us (Devin and I) to do things HIS way. And he will go to whatever lengths to express that and make it happen. I told him that i didnt want him to talk to me about certaing things, so he sees Devin today and decides to talk to him about those things! What is the difference in talking to me or my boyfriend? All he wanted to do was make his point and whatever cost. That is so annoying to me!

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Nothing Really New

Finally my ultrasound was sent to the dr's office. I may switch dr's before i go see this OB/GYN she seems to be TOO BUSY for me. For some that may be a good thing ( and it is a good sign of a good practice) but i dont want to have to wait a month and a half if i need to be seen. I have concerns about my pregnancy and i REALLY want to get into the dr's office with the quickness. lol. I wish i could go weekly, or every other week. Which i'm sure is WAY to much but yall know how much of a worry wart i am. Devin came by last night. We had fun, it was a good visit i am happy to say. This week I have been hella emotional, and crying over EVERY little thing. I cant to get my car this weekend and my damn BIC MAC! I have wanting a big mac for the longest. Just not right i tell you, not right.

I wonder what i can do to calm myself down form worrying so much. I'm sure it's no good for the munchkin cake inside of me. lol. i'll ask the dr.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Sick and Tired of being Sick and Tired

Think i'll focuse this blog on myself and my deteriorating mental health. I am sooo sick of feeling nauseated and HUNGRY. I am also so sick of being too tired to do anything other then sleep. I could scream if i have to look at that house another day. I want to be out of it. This weekend was a drab one for me. I was able to get some cooking and cleaning done though. Thats always a plus. When i got to the living room room, however, i was too tired and queezy to finnish anything. I am beginning to feel terribly depressed at always feeling sick. I hope this feeling ( depressed) doesnt last too long. I wouldnt want it to effect my baby. I'm trying to force myself to feel happy, but it doesnt work. I am happy that i am pregnant, but not happy i feel so sick all the time. I tried to focuse this blog on myself thinking that it would be more theraputic, but i want o talk about my baby now. lol. I am happy that i have this little life growing inside of me. That is were i am drawing most of my joy and happiness from to keep afloat and to get up to go to work daily and not loose my mind. i think about my baby and i pray on it. i rub my belly , hoping that my baby can feel the warmth of my touch. Hoping that my baby can sense that i would NEVER EVER feel disappointment or depression with him/ her or as a result of him/ her. That i love him/ her with all i have and not to feel sad if mommy is sad.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

My Feelings 8/16

With this child i feel like i will finally be able to finnish something that i have started. I feel so incredibly completed as a women. I dont see how i could have ever thought for a second that abortion was ok or even anything to be thinking of. And for those women who have had them..... god bless them. I know people who condone murder. Thats all it is. Whe u think of how radiply this human grows inside your body , there is no other way to think that it's not a life AT CONCEPTION!

I love my baby so much and i cant wait to meet the person inside of me. I know it can feel how much i love it and howi would already give my life for it. Iwould so sad if anything bad were to happen to me baby. I dont know when/ if i would ever get past it. I cant wait for my next Dr's appointment on Sept 5th. It's in the morning. I'll be going alone. I want to. I have dived back into reading. Thats another thing i do, is read to my baby. This morning i would like to go home and clean all that i can! My house is a mess. I feel so depressed whe i walk through the door. lol. I'm happy i was able to get my hair braided this past weekend. Geesh! I am never cutting it again. But it's so dry now. All i can say is i'm glad it's braided. lol.

So this weeken i will concentrate on getting my birth certificate and my wic. I have decided that i NEED to have a girl. lol. Why? because i am wayyyyy to affectionate to have a boy. I wouldnt dare want ot raise a mama's boy or some crap like that. The thing about it is that no matter what i have i am going to LOVE and kiss rediculously and thats were the whole problem lays. lol.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

8/14/07:Another Day In The Life

My life is incredible. I could write a book and really be in the money. I read a mediocore book called "True to the Game". ok, the moral of it overall was good, but the plot and actual story was not so impressive. One of those watch who u trust type "every black author is writting" books. BORING!! So tired. However, I dont have all negative experiences with my literary adventures here lately read a really good book Saturday called "Push". Evidently I am a bit late on this one and everyone but me has read this book. But besides the author literally writting the ENTIRE book how the illiterate main character actually speaks the book was a wonderful read. Two deffinate thumbs way up.

I have actually been wanting to write a book for quite some time. Never reallynew were to start. I'm guessing that once the baby gets here I will have even more to write about. lol. I pray that the two traits mybaby doesnt have of it's father's is that it wont like to read ( he hates reading , which to me is whats wrong with the ENTIRE black race. But thats for another day), and it wont like it's veggies. I try to read aload to it NOW so that i plant those early seeds of the love for literature it's mama has in it. lol.

Yesturday Devin and I were together. It went surprisingly well. I was happyand not annoyed. hmmm. Today i am looking forward to getting a big mac from McDonalds and pigging out TOTALLY on that. mmmmm. I can taste it already. Baby likes big Macs. lol

Monday, August 13, 2007


Hmmm....The coolest thing i'v EVER seen in my life was seeing my baby on the screen. Heart fluttering, moving around, blood flowing. JUST ALIVE AND HEALTHY! lol. I cried so hard. I could see legs, arms, belly, a BIG head. With cheeks, a mouth, nose and eyes. lol. I'm so in love. I will call my Dr's office today forresults of the scan. For whatever reason the ultra sound tecks couldnt tell me anything about the ultrasound. Just that my baby was there and alive. I was a little annoyed about that, but.....whatever. I'll just call today. They were really sweet girls, made me feel comfortable and relaxed.

Devin and I were together. We argued ALL day about mindless stupid things. I dont know. He's soooo YOUNG to me. It annoys me. Just his thinking on certain issues drive me damn near insane. I dont know how i feel about us anymore. I'm trying my hardest to hang in here with him. Knowing that it's just me and my pregnancy hormones talking and controling my thinking....BUT DAMN something's got to give. lol.

I miss my dad. I really cant believe he hasnt called me. Out of all the people he needs to and hasnt cut out of his life yet, he cuts me out of it QUICKLY. If my familyonly knew howi havechanged towards them. And now him . He was one of my best friends, and now my effections towards myENTIRE family has changed. Things will never be the same between us.

Friday, August 10, 2007

8/10: My Ultrasound is Today

I'm quit excited about it. I cant wait. Maybe when the baby is closer to being born we can have a 3d-4d ultrasound done. I would like that. U can really see what the baby looks like and all. That is amazing to me. I plan on also having my hair braided for the duration of my pregnancy. So that I dont continue looking like a slave child. I will go this Saturday. I wish I could go today and stop looking crazylol. This morning i am supposed to go over Devin's house. I like it over there. I'm excited hopfully all will go well. I wrote him a letter and said that sometimes I think my fuse with him is so short because i dont understand a lot of the ways of how he feels. Even last night when he said things to me on the phone all I could think was "GOD HE IS SOOO YOUNG!"And when i ask him to explain himself he either wont, cant , or doesnt know how himself. So it just makes me terribly angry. Not a good thing.

This weekend I will focuse on
1. Getting my hair braided
2. Getting my birth certificate
3. Opening my saving account

Luckily Devin and I already have one opened for the baby. But i will have my personal one opened for me. Really Devin's mom opened one. And thats the one he wants me to contribute to. He doesnt have access to it or anything. Which is a good thing I guess for him. But Devin is a GROWN ASS MAN and can open his OWN savings account. I am not exactly comfortable with handing my money over to this women for her to save and put in our account as if we/ I am a child. WE will be parents soon. Devin will be a father and she is still babying him. It's ok for her to treat Devin like that ( clearly he's ok with it) but i'm a grown . And I know she's a sweet women, she's so well intentioned. But just because something is well intentioned doesnt make it ok. I am a independent women capable of saving MY own money , for MY own baby, in MY own account. How dare her! That can be between him and his mom but i want no parts of it.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

So MUCH!!!

There is so much that i need to get done this weekend. I have sooooo much on my mind. I dont even feel like being bothered with anyone. I dont know where to start. I dont even know who to talk to . I cant talk to my parent, and i rarely go to Devin. And when I do, he never has nothing to say in response to my issues. So, whats the point. I think this week I will let my phone get cut off and not worry with it. It doesnt do much but bring me stress and the blues anyway. lol. I'll have it cut back on around the time for my baby being due. This weekend I need to:
1. Get my hair done
2. Get my birth Certificate/ maryland state ID/ Social security card
3. start paying off the student loan
4.start paying my credit card bill
5. Open a savings account for a car

I would really like to have a car befor baby gets here. And I am tired of m=not handling my business. From now on out I will be in the library engolfing myself in books and self love. Not much time for parent or boyfriend issues and the blues they all give me. I feel so much preassure from all angles it's not even funny. I told Devin I wanted him to go with me to my ultrasound appointment this Friday ( i'm terribly excited about that). I hope he acts properly and immature. Hopefully he wont totally annoy me . lol. Poor thing, I think i should distance myself from him for a while. Cause, LITARALLY EVERYTHING he says and almost everything he does getson my nerevs to the point that i just want him gone out of my life sometimes. Thats a terrible way to feel about someone who is just being themself. And i'm sorry that i do. But we were on the phone yesturday and i almost wanted to cry because i was just THAT annoyed. lol. He doesntdeserve that. He's a sweet boy. And i would like to go to the movies this weekend also. Hmmmmm. so much to do , so little time. lol.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007


I'm still alive and kicking. Last night He came over. It was fun after all was said and done. We talked about some things. He wasnt on my nerve as much. He told that he's expecting for me to get annoyed easily for the next few months. lol. Thats cool I, guess. As long as he deals with me "accordingly" and realizes that I'm not myself. I do feel Oh! So! Emotional! But thats life right? I do love him.

Been taking my vitamins like i should. Last night at work I was pretty sleepy but some ofthose early pregnancy symptoms are beginning to subside. Boy, am I greatful for that. I had a dream but i cant remember what it was about. I'll have a good day today. On the news there is another story about ANOTHER lady who microwaved her child. I wonder what makes people do something sooo Demonic. Is post pardom depression THAT BAD? I cant imagin hurting my little jelly bean. lol. It's so special to me already.

Monday, August 6, 2007

My Dr's Visit

Went well this Friday. I will be seeing Dr. Harroway from here on out though ( pout, pout). I had the craziest dream. I have been having a lot of those lately. They have been REALLY scarry dreams concerning my baby and me. Like last night i dreamt that for some reason I wasnt holding her the correct way on my lao and she was slidding out of me, and to stop her from falling on the floor i grabbed her by her FACE and picked her up by her HEAD and corrected her position. I dreamt that I was being robbed ( car jacked actually) and they wouldnt let me get my baby out of the car . I was trying frantically to pull her out but i was un able to . I woke up panting and half out of my mind. I hope this is a symptom that will pass. I also was able to get my pre natal vitamins. I startde taking them. And have decided that i will then every morning at 8 am when i get in from work.

I feel really irritable though. I need to clean my house, and handle some business. This weekend comming will a no nonsence type of weekend. Handling my business.

Friday, August 3, 2007

I am so Nervous!!!

About being a mommy. Sooooo may concerns and fears are bottled up in my heart. Especially since i feel terribly alone. i feel alone because i dont have MY familia. Devin has his which will help him to raise this baby how THEY want it raised, but what about me. Certain things about the way him and his family are i dont want my child around. Certain prejudices, stereotyping, and other things that i dont want my baby to be COMPLLETLY exposed to. But how can i undo what they put in my child's head after every visitwhen it is JUST ME. I have no help, no mentors ( beside Chanel , but who can contact her, she has a life of her own), I dont even know how i feel aboutmost issues. I know i need to get back in the Kingdom Hall where i belong. That would probably help a lot. It's so hard to restart once u'v stopped, and being afraid of folks doesnt help niether. You know what?? NO! This is what i said i would not do. I said i would not be afraid of people because thats not how i want my baby to be! I want her to hold her head up high inspite of what people think or say. So, this Sunday i will march myself into that Hall and SIT. Back straight, head high, feet forward. I owe it to my child to raise him/ her serving the TRUE god. My child can make thier own mind up when the time is right about choosing his or her own religion, but at least they will know what i feel is the truth. and what Jehovah's Witnesses TEACH as a whole is the truth to me.

8/3/07 TODAY

I have a Dr's appointment. I have neglected to go prior to this. Fear paralyzes me i guess. I lie and tell me family and friends ( even Devin , the father) thati havnt gone because i have tired or not feeling well. WOW. Truth is, that once i start this stuff it's sooo OFFICIAL. Lol. I guess it was official when the Dr. confirmed i was preggos a couple weeks ago. What you think? lol. It still just feels so strange to me. Not to mention straight up nauseating.

I cant wait to meet my baby. I hold a pair a socks I brought for her/ him and pray next to them every day. I just pray that i am not doing/ havnt done anything that could jepordise or ruin my child's health. I have read and heard so many horror stories or women who have had simple urinary infections that have landed there babies in the NICU. I do need to drink more water. I cant wait to hear what the Dr says today. I'll keep you all posted. although i dont think anyone reads my blogs. lol

Thursday, August 2, 2007

Is this happening??? NOT TO ME

http://www.pregnancy.org/pregnancy/fetaldevelopment1.php this stuff is AMAZING!!! I'm someone's mommy?? Me?

Double Pink Lines: July 15, 2007

This was the day i fell so deeply in love with a person. i never thought i'd feel this way for someone i'v never even met before, never kissed, or held. Frm the moment i saw the double pink lines.

I had been feeling quite "weird" and since my monthly cycle has never been late, skipped, or sketchy ( it's never done anything weird but come lol) my inner intuitions had already spoken to me. I must admitt that i never prayed to not be pregnant. I just prayed for general things concerning a pregnancy.

I took the test. Two colored lines appear. WOW! Where do I from here? All of a sudden I feel complete. Like a REAL WOMEN. I have something/ someone to live for, die for, breathe for. Nothing eles matters to me. Noone eles matters to me. I have to be strong, I know i have to be a soldier to raise a soldier, rather it be male or female. All I want is to touch my baby. All I do is cry. Cry because i have chosen to help perform a miracle inside of me. I have soo much work ahead of me. So much preperation.