Monday, March 30, 2015

My Happiness Tool Box

1. Religious Science
2. Christianity
3. the library
4. salads
5. my kids
6. my husband
7. netflix
8. running
9. cleaning
11. youtube videos
12. scented lipgloss
13. perfume
14. All johnson's baby products
15. Aveeno
Just a few things, in no particular order, that make me happy

BOOK: Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach

What a beautiful, well written soft book. I listened to it on audio book. It's definitely a book you want to READ though. I'll be going back and relistening to it to take a few note. I'm still having panic attacks. Everything in me wants to know what is causing this so suddenly and strongly just before my 30th birthday. I was in the hospital for 2 weeks!  

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

BOOK: 10 % Happier By Dan Harris I HAD A PANIC ATTACK

I find it amzing that i read a book on a real life panic attack just a few weeks before i experience my own. On or about January 17 ( my memory on the evnts and dates are still pretty foggy) I experienced a panic attack. It felt like death. I literally thought I was going to die. I thought I was having a heart attack. That amount of fear is unnatural on so many levels. I feel so many ways about it. On one hand I feel that it was God's way of sort of wiping the slate clean so that i could start over and fresh and rebuild my life in ways that are healthiest for me, the way i want things to be. Clean, happy and peacful, without smoking weed or cigarettes. On the other hand I havnt completely forgiven myself for "breaking". A feel as though i couldnt handle life. A panic attack is LITERALLY a mental break. And it feels that way. I lost my mind and i'm still trying to pick up the pieces of it all around me.  The books that i have been reading are ,making things so much easier for me. Espcially this one that I listened to on audio book. Dan Harris, experienced a panic attack on LIVE television in front of millions. Mine was at home in front of my children. Poots thought i had a heart attack. It scared her so badly. I felt like i was having a heart attack. I know the factors that played a part in it. Many of the similar things that Dan Harris speaks of in his book. Stress, drugs (marijuana), and on a personal level my feeling as though I have to handle everything on my own.  I never want that to happen again. It is my determination to use this year to heal myself. To stay aware of the people and resources that i have in my life to help deal with stress. I had already set that goal prior to my panic attack , but this solidifies it.
   I took a small leave of absence from work ,with the help of my mother ,and got some in patient help at Franklin Square hospital. it was needed and appreciated. I met so many wonderful people that helped to remind me of who I am and what my goals in life really are. They reminded me that if i just live in the moment and ONLY control the things that i have control over ( MYSELF) that life is so much easier. I can only control MY actions, thoughts and being. I foused on my yoga practice and simply took care of myself in a safe enviroment. I exercised, drew and focused on art, did hair and gave massages. Listened to music and danced, read my bible, sang and i was HAPPY.  Painted my nails and socialized. Met a few sweethearts. I felt at ease enough to not have to worry about Devin or the kids. Speaking of him I am so proud of how he has steped up to the plate, but he reminds me that this is MY journey. NOT his. I think his method of delivery, however is what hurts. The way he says it. But in him is where i have to practice what i preach and accept him for what and who he is. I'm currently listening to Radical acceptance by Tara Brach, a book Dan Harris mentions helped him with his panic attack.