Tuesday, December 25, 2007


So I asked myself:
-what i need to do monthly, weekly, daily

THIS MONTH OF 12/25-1/31
*Read The Books:
''The Skin I'm In"
"Metu Neter"
"Who Am I Without Him"
*Keep House Clean
*Call about income housing for bigger apartment

*Save $900.00
*Get Cell Phone And Minutes

*Make All Meetings That I Can
*Read Some Bible Daily

*Keep Braids

*Read 1 Chapter a Day of "Metu Neter"
*Read other books as well while at work
*Clean A little DAILY

*Save Each Pay Check: 12/27- $150.00
1/3- $200.00
1/31-$200.00 TOTAL SAVED:$900.00
*Buy Cell Phone

*Make ALL meetings on days not working
*Read a few verses of the bible Daily.

i keep you posted on a regular basis as to how this goes.


-Akira Raquell Bolling-having a baby!
-Read 50 books-personal study
-Finnish School
-Clean House-dont let it get messy
-Bigger Apartment-move
-Loose Weight

-Save $1300.00 for Kira's stuff-before she gets here
-Save a little from EACH check
-Pay Medical bills
-Pay citibank

-Make all the meeting I can
-Read bible daily

-Protective growth Challenge
-Crown-N-Glory Technique


It's After Christmas

Today was fun. I didnt plan on going over Devin's house to eat but ended up going a having a pretty ok time. Today, i got home and read a little bit of a book, wrote out my 2008 plan ( but everything is up in the air because of Akira. I dont now what new challenges and things life with her will bring. Up until this point when i would make my yearly plan i felt confindent going into the new year with it because all i had to worry about and concern over was me. everything is ao up in the air and tentative now), i went to sleep, woke up and cleaned the rest of the house (mopped the floors, and vacummed) , got in the shower and went to Devin's house. I'm annoyed because it seems that i cant seem to get my house to smell fresh and clean. even if looks fresh and clean. thats ok, tis weekend i will go to walmart and see what they have to clean the carpet and stuff. I was happy because i found my black work pants. i couldnt find them for the longest time. but it is deffinately time for me to buy some black maternity pants. a couple pairs. i will go to the mall at the end of this month and see what they have in the maternity stores, and victoria's secret.
The food at Devin's house that his mom prepared was really good. we had all typesof stuff. I enjoyed it. Of course he was getting on me about something. Egypt i think. Anyways it doesnt matter cause i'm always getting on him about stuff too. but when he does it , he does it in front of people. and he said something about my mom. something stupid about her hands or some dumb shit. He always has something negative to say about someone or some people. he just doesnt have a tactful tongue. he picks for NO reason. you could be the nicest , most beautiful person in the world and he will find SOMETHING wrong with you. That irritates the hell out of me about him. He is like dr. jackell and mr. hide. One minute his personality can be so sweet and loving and giving, and understanding. and then the next minute he is a saying something that changes my mind about his whole personality. Sometime i wonder if i am too critical of him. I wonder if i have a hollier then thou attitude. I always talk about his asshole personality traits but i wonder what mine are. i could name a few. but this is MY blog so i wont do that. lol.
I have come to the conclusion that in the years to come, if i focuse on my daughter and myself i wont be reminded so much of how badly my life sucks. So here is this year's plan.


Dont look at me every day is so wonderfulAnd suddenly, its hard to breatheNow and then, I get insecureFrom all the fame, Im so ashamedI am beautiful no matter what they sayWords cant bring me downI am beautiful in every single wayYes, words cant bring me downSo dont you bring me down todayTo all your friends, youre deliriousSo consumed in all your doomTrying hard to fill the emptinessThe piece is gone and the puzzle undoneThats the way it isYou are beautiful no matter what they sayWords wont bring you downYou are beautiful in every single wayYes, words wont bring you downDont you bring me down today...No matter what we do(no matter what we do)No matter what they say(no matter what they say)When the sun is shining throughThen the clouds wont stayAnd everywhere we go(everywhere we go)The sun wont always shine(sun wont always shine)But tomorrow will find a wayAll the other timesWe are beautiful no matter what they sayYes, words wont bring us downWe are beautiful no matter what they sayYes, words cant bring us downDont you bring me down todayDont you bring me down todayDont you bring me down today

---Christina Aguilera


Life is what you make it At least that's what they say Well, I think I'm going to make it Fulfill my dreams one day I feel this fire growing Deep inside of me I'm so inspired knowing That it's my destiny I breathe like a champion I dream I'm a champion I think I'm a champion That's led to be My will's getting stronger I can't wait any longer I'm singing a song That's inside of me Cause I'm a believer I know that I can't fake it No matter what they say Cause I'm a believer The future is now And it starts today Everyday I'm waiting Trying to find the patience So close I can taste it But sometimes it's so hard But I'm gonna keep on pushin'And I'm gonna to keep on fightin' And I'm gonna to keep on tryin' Because I've come too far I breathe like a champion I dream I'm a champion I see I'm a champion It's meant to be My will's getting stonger I can't wait any longer I'm singing a song That's inside of me Cause I'm a believer I know that I can make it No matter what they say I'm a believer The future is now It starts today Believer, ohThe future is now It starts today

---Christina Milian

I Cant Help

But feel and know that if i had waited and done things differently my pregnancy would be a much happier experience for me. I would not have had to deal with all the differences and aggrevation Devin and I go through. I would have a baby shower and KNOW that people are going to show. KNOW that i will get what i need. Not be surrounded by a bunch of people i really dont care for or feel comfortable with. He is inviting ALL his friends from work, and THATS ok because i am inviting a friend or mine who he had a tiff with. They better all bring gifts and and not just show up to eat my damn food. He thinks it's different because in his mind, AS ALWAYS, i am wrong and have no reason to feel how i do about them. If i had waited i would be happy and my feelings would be taken into consideration, with my HUSBAND. He wouldnt invite people to MY party (since i am the pregnant one) . He would let me have my one shine day (since i will be the one going through labor and delivery). We would be in sync with one another and agree with one another. I would love his thinking, we would be happy and we would have it together.

GOSH! If him or his family ever read this stuff i would SURLY have HELL to pay.














Monday, December 24, 2007

"The Skin I'm In''

This book is amazing. One of the best reads I have experienced in a while. I am almost at a loss for words to describe how i feel after completeing. I guess, i will first begin by saying WOW! WOW! WOW! Every women, not just every black women, but every women needs to read this book. I have been compiling a list of books I would like to read with Akira as she gets older. So far i have:
"The Vagina Monoluges" -Eve Ensler
"Assata"-Assata Shakur and Angela Davis
and this book most of all "The Skin I'm In"- Sharon G. Flake
"No Disrespect"- Sista Soulja
This book is one of the best. It's about a young dark skinned African American girl. She is in middle school (the hardest years for many young people). She battles with finding herself. Finding her beauty, and finding her independence. Her name is Maleeka Madison. She goes through the typical adolescent fears- of social acceptance, peer intimidation, and self image. It just brought back so memroies of my middle school years and thehurt that i experienced. My mother was teased a lot and hurt as a child. As a result in her adult life she walks with her head held high with more self confidence then a little bit. She always told me to do the same. She always would get angry in my deffence when i came home from school telling her stories of how mean children were to me. But she never TOLD me I was beautiful. she never TOLD me that my lips and my breast were BIG and BEAUTIFUL. I guess i was just supposed to believe it. I remember crying in department stores because i could NEVER find the proper bra to fit my breast, and she didnt want any attaention drawn to them, so she bought me bras that didnt didnt fit me properly and hold my breast up the way they were SUPPOSED to be. As a result i felt there was something wrong with how i was built. in my religion i felt wrong for having the body i did. My confidence was too low. It still is. I still have not come into a full acceptance of how i look. My skin is terrible and always has been. Probably always will be. Devin says things without thinking that hurt me. Like not to long ago i showed in apicture of myself that i had taken a while back and i was wearing, makeup and my hair was stright. He said to me ".....something...something...and your skin loks alot better, you dont have all those marks, and bumps and shit on your face." I felt crushed. Of course i could never tell him this, because then it would be that her never said it, or it was something different then what he really said. I hate always feeling i am not pretty. Like there is something wrong with MY hair, MY skin, MY body. You now what?? All of that changes. TODAY!!! I am beautiful, because I AM ME! For my sake and for my daughters sake. I have to lead her and teach her by example. I want her to know that she is beutiful. In order for her to know that i have to know that about myself, and by example teach to feel beautiful no matter what anyone says. I reemeber i CRIED so hard in school when this guy teased my about having big lips. I cried because i didnt believe my lips were beautiful. My hair doesnt have to be straight in order to be beautiful, it can be natural and HOW / WHO I AM. My skin doesnt have to be light, flawless, and makeup packed in order to me beautiful, it can natural and HOW/ WHO I AM. My body doesnt have to be tight, lifted, and small, it can be natural and HOW/ WHO I AM. My lips dont have to be small they can be large and HOW/ WHO I AM. I will teach Kira that she is beautiful. a beautiful golden princess. All her lips, hair, skin, breast, hips, tits and anything in between (belly button, vagina, ears, ect) are ALL BEAUTIFUL and the way god intended for them to be. Rather they be dark, light, or multi colored, small, medium, smedium ( yes that is intended) or large, rounded, pointy, full, tall, skinny , fat, juicy, long, short, nappy, culry, wavy, and BIG. IT IS HERS, and it IS BEAUTIFUL! It's not black, and ugly, it's GOLDEN and beautifully hers. It's not tall and goofy, it's STRONG and beautifully hers.

I was talking to Devin today and of course i was wrong for how i felt and he had an opposing view point to EVERYTHING i said, cause nothing was good enough. I was telling him about the book i was reading( The Skin I'm In) and about the plight the little girl is in with the dealing with the color of her skin. She is DARK skinned, BLUE-BLACK maybe. He went on to be the prick that he is and say that he dislikes dark skin and that dark skinned people are ugly. and that when he sees one he points to his friends and says stuff about them. I said that people are not pretty or ugly by the color of their of skin but by thier bone structure. Not even by that really ,because we all have different tastes in which bone structure is beautiful. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. We shouldnt see a person and as soon as you see his/ her shade he/she is ugly or pretty. In my opinion, lets take Alicia Keys for instance, she has beautiful smooth butter scotch skin, but her skin TONE alone doesnt make her beautiful. I personally dont think her bone structure in her face is all that. People see her complexion, stop right there and, oh she is beautiful. Thats not how it should go. I was tellin Devin about popularity in school, and being teased. Of course he justified teasing people, because he was popular. And how he wants Kira to be popular and go to parties on school nights and not focuse on her school work during the week. Popularity has nothing to do with nothing. Maybe if he weren't so popular and worrying about teasing people he would be in a better job situation then what he is in now. He really has complexes that he neeeds to work through. And sometimes I wonder how i deal with him and how can i love his personality. MY PATIENCE is wearing thin. His thinking is so immature. He really angers me sometimes. My dad said that from here on out i might as well get used to being annoyed with him. Because we will never see eye to eye. I just hop eit changes as he grows up and matures. I just try not to talk to him much because the more i find out the more i dislike about him and know i should leave. I know i wrong for disliking a person for how he is, and instead of harboring this resentment i should just leave. ut just as i see all this bad horrible crap that i feel i cant deal with i see many wonderful qualities that i cant let go of. i know that i dont write about them as much but i notice them and they are there. I think i just need to work on not paying his asshole ways no mind and focusing on my baby girl. I have sooo much to instill on her and I. I have to instill it in myself in order to lead by example. i think that my leading/ living by example will be her biggest support and influence.
The little girl in the book, eventually stands up for herself to the bully. But only after the girl had influenced her and intimidated her into doing a bunch of crap she really didnt want to do. I dont desire Kira to be popular or unpopular, but if she is unpopular i want her to have the same REAL, INTERNAL strength and confidence those big mouth popular girls put on to have. It's not real, because if it were real they would hve to make other people feel bad , or tease them for how they are. (Kira: "Even if you dont feel a person is beautiful in your mind, NEVER, EVER make them feel bad or look down on them for how they were born. If you dont like thier personality, or how they are, simply stay away from them dont hate them. And stand firm in your beliefs. Listen and be able to RESPECT others, but dont change who you are for them."

Friday, December 21, 2007

Aint I A Women?

Aint I a woman?A found poem from Sojourner Truth's most famous speech, adapted into poetic form by Erlene Stetson click here to see the full text of the speech, in non-poem format.
That man over there say a woman needs to be helped into carriagesand lifted over ditches and to have the best place everywhere.Nobody ever helped me into carriages or over mud puddles or gives me a best place. . .
And ain't I a woman? Look at me Look at my arm! I have plowed and plantedand gathered into barns and no man could head me. . . And ain't I a woman? I could work as muchand eat as much as a man-- when I could get to it--and bear the lash as well and ain't I a woman?I have born 13 children and seen most all sold into slaveryand when I cried out a mother's grief none but Jesus heard me. . .and ain't I a woman? that little man in black there saya woman can't have as much rights as a man cause Christ wasn't a womanWhere did your Christ come from? From God and a woman!Man had nothing to do with him! If the first woman God ever madewas strong enough to turn the world upside down, all alone together women ought to be able to turn it rightside up again.

Still I Rise: She will Rise and be Phenomenal!

Still I Rise

You may write me down in historyWith your bitter, twisted lies,You may trod me in the very dirtBut still, like dust, I'll rise.Does my sassiness upset you?Why are you beset with gloom?'Cause I walk like I've got oil wellsPumping in my living room.Just like moons and like suns,With the certainty of tides,Just like hopes springing high,Still I'll rise.Did you want to see me broken?Bowed head and lowered eyes?Shoulders falling down like teardrops.Weakened by my soulful cries.Does my haughtiness offend you?Don't you take it awful hard'Cause I laugh like I've got gold minesDiggin' in my own back yard.You may shoot me with your words,You may cut me with your eyes,You may kill me with your hatefulness,But still, like air, I'll rise.Does my sexiness upset you?Does it come as a surpriseThat I dance like I've got diamondsAt the meeting of my thighs?Out of the huts of history's shameI riseUp from a past that's rooted in painI riseI'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.Leaving behind nights of terror and fearI riseInto a daybreak that's wondrously clearI riseBringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,I am the dream and the hope of the slave.I riseI riseI rise. Maya Angelou


Pretty women wonder where my secret liesI'm not cute or built to suit a model's fashion sizeBut when I start to tell them They think I'm telling lies. I say It's in the reach of my arms The span of my hips The stride of my steps The curl of my lips. I'm a woman Phenomenally Phenomenal woman That's me.
I walk into a room Just as cool as you please And to a man The fellows stand or Fall down on their knees Then they swarm around me A hive of honey bees. I say It's the fire in my eyes And the flash of my teeth The swing of my waist And the joy in my feet. I'm a woman Phenomenally Phenomenal woman That's me.
Men themselves have wondered What they see in me They try so much But they can't touch My inner mystery. When I try to show them They say they still can't see. I say It's in the arch of my back The sun of my smile The ride of my breasts The grace of my style. I'm a woman Phenomenally Phenomenal woman That's me.
Now you understand Just why my head's not bowed I don't shout or jump about Or have to talk real loud When you see me passing It ought to make you proud. I say It's in the click of my heels The bend of my hair The palm of my hand The need for my care. 'Cause I'm a woman Phenomenally Phenomenal woman That's me.

What I Want With My Daughter

I would never tell anyone this but you guys. lol IF anyone reads my blog.
But in our life together i want to experience so much with Kira. She has to grow physically, mentally, and spiritually. She will never know how much she will help ME grow physically, mentally, and spiritually. It's so funny how me pouring myself into helping her, will be in turn helping me. I am forever grateful to her for that. "THANK YOU BABY GIRL! MOMMY LOVES YOU!"
A healthy well rounded lifestyle is what i want for her. I read in a book that mothers who ate a lot of junk food ( cookies, cakes, pies, McD's ect...) that their babies were more inclined to eat junk and only WANT junk , therefore leading to obese children. Ewww! That is so unhealthy. I dont mind big people, because there are genetic inclinations towards bigness, or slower metabolisms that some people have. And i some have a weakness towards sweets ( i know i do). However, you dint have to be big and UNHEALTHY. I want to eat healthier. Honestly I have been eating too much junk while pregnant with the baby. This week, i promise myself to eat more veggies and fruits, so that when she is born we can lean toward a vegetarian lifestyle. It will be hard for me, but i know i can do it. For both of our sakes. If she does choose to eat meat, i dont want that to be all she eats. I want her to at least like eating her veggies. Personally, i love veggies. And yes i want her to love veggies to . Why? Because they are more healthy for you as a growing child and a adult to eat a surplus of veggies as opposed to a surplus of sweets and meat. There are so many benefits to cutting down on meat and sweet intake. The way you look and feel are the biggest. On top of that, your Dr's records will show you as a healthier person.

I want to be more spiritual. i want to KNOW beyond doubt what i believe in. I want her to know and be able to explain what she believes in and not grow up questioning rather or not she believes in god, (if she does, THEN BELIEVE IT and KNOW WHY, if she doesn't, THEN BELIEVE IT and KNOW WHY with CONVICTION), how she got here, who the first humans were and their race, what happens to us after death and that there is no need to be afraid of death or god. I want to practice clearing the mind and body through yoga and body detoxing. ( i can hear me now, on the way to get our colon cleansed. "Don't be afraid of cleansing baby girl. It doesnt hurt too bad. Gotta get all that old boo boo out, it's not good for your body")

I want us to both have natural hair. No perms. There is no need to permanently change the texture of your hair. It is ok to be YOU. Yes i have tattoos and have permanently changed my body in that aspect but, they are ME. They represent different times in my life. There is no need to change your hair to fit in. On top of that, perms are unhealthy. They effect your brain and other aspects of your health. I want her to stay natural because this is the hairstyle is most feared and damned in our community. This perception need to change, we need to stop fearing our hair. We need to learn about our natural hair and love it. No other race has the perception about the way their hair naturally grows out of their head the way black people do. Nor do they change it's natural pattern or the way it grows out of thier heads, as a whole, the way black people do. This needs to stop.

I want to teach her sign language. I really need to go back to school for it. But this would be a really cute secret language to share just between mommy and daughter.

I want the both of us to be in self defense classes. I believe it is our right as humans and women especially to know how to fight and do it well. To train our natural defenses to be the best that they can be. Natural defenses through the gift of gab FIRST. And if the person still isnt trying to hear it then the proper beat down will just have to do. lol. If she is attached there is no time for civilized gift of gab, it is time to spring into action and defend ones self.

I want us to both share a love for reading and education. Be persistent in your school work. I love to read already, but i want her to see me doing it more. for my benefit and hers. The world is somehow run by a bunch of idiots. Non-educated dumb asses. You know i'm right. The world belongs to the idiot. I want her to choose to read a book to develope her speaking ability and mental skills. as opposed to sitting in front of the television while her mind goes into retarded mode and not being stimulated by anything. I read in a book that children should not eve watch television for the first two years of thier life to develop proper motor skills and mental development so critical in these first few years of her life. I want her value her education,knowing that you cant do NOTHING with a high school diploma. Knowing that the more education you get , and the more you know as a women the more respect you get. hell, the more money you get ("baby girl, you dont want to be 30 and still struggling")

I want us to travel together. Go places and do things. New and exciting things. Camping, hiking, boat ride and the such. I want us to go to South Africa, Europe, Rome, Italy, Paris, China, Japan, Morocco, Egypt, Hawaii, and fiji. We would be so cute together. Dressed in the native garb of these lands. When we go to islands, dressed in our bathing suites with white sand in our toes and hair, and floating in blue water. Dancing to ethnic music, learning phrases in different languages, and trying all the ethnic vegeterian meals. Just loving one another and being close mother and daughter. lol.

Those are the basics. lol. I know i cant expect her her to love and like everything i do , but i these basic principles are what is best for her to get through life with out being dependent on anyone, without being hurt (physically or emotionally without the ability to get over it) by anyone, without being weak minded. Without being prejudice and judgmental, or close minded. Without being afraid.

To AKira:
Little girl i pray that you listen to me. Let me guide you. Let me be your strength and your rock to lean on. I promise i will be here for you, i will listen to you, i will understand you. I wont mislead to you, lie to you, i will never hurt you. Let me protect you, I PROMISE i WILL protect you. Come to me, tell me your fears, tell me how you feel. Know that you ALWAYS can. No matter what anyone says, no matter how bad you may think it is. I'll LISTEN. Even if you choose a different path i will support your happiness. Just let me in your life, i will never leave you. Lets share these things to keep us close and in love. You are my sunflower in a garden full of weeds. You don't know how much i love you, how much of a blessing you are to me. You sweet angel. I will never let a day pass that i wont tell you i love you. You beautiful, princess.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Counting My Blessings

I have been wollowing in my hurt and dissapointments these past few days. I have only been focusing on what is wrong in my life and what i DONT have. But i will focus on what is right in my life. So i will list them:
1.My Baby
2.My Baby
3.My Baby
4.My health (for the most part, nothing horrible)
5.My daddy.
6. a good boyfriend (he could be alot worse. i do love him and appreciate him)
7.my daddy
8. my mom
9.a place to live in
10.a car to drive
11. food to eat
12.my spiritual awareness ('happy is the man contious of his spiritual need')
13.ability to think and laugh, and pray
14.a job. (it might not be what i want, but it's better then nothing. the man on the corner has nothing)
15.my uncle steve
Thats all i think of now. i know this isnt were it ends so as i think of more i will add to it.

I Wonder

If it is possible to subcontiously like drama and welcome it in your life. A while ago something happened with a old friend and we wound up getting into it and not really being close anymore. I LITERALLY do not know HOW what happened, happened. Someone got a email that wasn't supposed to be and all this stuff got started because it looked like i sent the email. I NEVER did. I would NEVER do something like that. She said that some people like drama in thier life and subcontiously start stuff to keep stuff going. The wierd thing is that i REALLY hate drama. i try to avoid it at all cost. so how does it keep finding me? WHY does it keep finding me?! it always seems to be soemthing going on. as much as i want to have friends it always seems to be something going on and i wind up loosing them. i dont want this around my baby. i am almost to the point were i dont want to try to aquire friends anymore. i just want it to be me and my baby. i want to focuse all of my energy on her, not drama, and having my belly sick and upset. DAMN SHIT!

A Hard Week

This week has been rather difficult for me. It wont get any better for me any time soon, so i mine as well get used to it. lol. I have been working pretty hard, really long shifts and not sleeping as much. Not to mention all the crap i have on my mind has been oober draining. i have been crying off and on for two days. and this is the first time i have not told a soul what is wrong. i figured i would just write it and whomever would like to read it , be my guess. i don't mind sharing my personal business with you all as long it helps you out in some way shape of form. lol.
1. a friend of mine and i got into it a little. I am not too much worried about it anymore. i was at first, at first i had knots in my stomach, i was crying and felt really sick. But i was mad at myself for feeling sad and weak. I can get over the situation that transpired. But i cant get over how i dealt with it. I HATE how i dealt with it. I dealt with it by crying and being upset and backing down. i didn't curse and tell her what i REALLY wanted to (which was to call her all types of bitches). I bite my tongue and made myself cry and be all upset to spare her feelings, but i dont think she did that to me. And this is what always happens. I am always trying to care so much and spare people's feelings when , which makes me weak and not a fighter. I didnt want to hurt her feelings, but i held back. something i should not have done when i felt it was not being being done for me. I told myself i would no longer be this way. i told myself that, for my daughter i would be strong and formidable, and not back down from an argument or hold my tongue or allow people to do or say what they want. I told myself, i was no longer going to be intimidated by no man, women, child, or beast. And that is exactly what i was. i was intimidated. i feel scared and sad these past few days and i know my baby could feel that. that is not a trait of mine i want her to have. i dont want her to back down. i want to be strong, opinionated and not intimidated by anyone. come what may, if you feel you will loose a friend or your life, loose it STRONG and SURE OF YOURSELF, knowing that you are not wrong or scared.
2. My mom really yelled at me yesterday morning and i cried about that too. I just hate how she talks to me sometimes. it's like she wants to have a reason to yell at me, or make me less like a person, and i backed down. i CRIED! She yelled at me and i CRIED! I should have yelled back! I should have been strong. Because i did not disrespect her. If I have not disrespected a person i don not expect to have it done to me. i will NOT be disrespected or intimidated by ANYONE. I just wish it was as easy for me to do as it is for me to type. i know that in both situations i was not SO wrong as to deserve the treatment that i got and that is what bothers me. i took it and cried about it. i took it sitting down, i just plan old took it. i don't want that for my baby girl. she cant be that way.
Dont get me wrong i wont raise a bitch, but i will raise someone a lot less intimidated then i am.
3.i haven't really stood up for myself with boyfriend's family. And i can tell already that their will be hell to pay if i do not. i will be walked all over if i don't learn to talk up for myself while dealing with them. his mom will keep saying shit, and disrespecting me behind my back and i need to nip in the bud.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Self Deffense

lol. could you imagine baby tai kwon doe!? lol. I would like to enroll Kira in some self deffense classes as soon as possible. So that she always has a edge when/ if she is alone. I want her to be able to wack some balls if they get out of line. lol. i know having her will put me in contact with avenues of my personality that need to be brought out and refined. Hense why i want to be a more spiritual person. To lead by example and instill the proper values in her. i want us to do yoga together, and bake cookies and other really gay stuff. lol

I would like to find some mommy/ baby yoga classes to get my body back in shape. i think she will like it. I know i will. It will be relaxing to her. something we can share together. i would like for the two of us to be vegeterian, natural, yoga lovin combo. lol. i wont push it on her, but i will introduce it to her young so it's not hard for her to get used to.

Medical Bills

are pilling up. I have already accumulated over 3,000.00 in medical bills from my sergury in the beginning of the pregnancy. i cant believe and am really mad. 2008 is the year to get all of that together and out of my hair. That and the CitiBank crap. I really want to get my credit together. For Kira. So i can buy her a house. lol. And pay for her to go to school when she's old enough. You know, i dont know if i tolf you this. but i learned the other day that a human's personality is shaped in the first 6 years of thier life. The next six yearsrs look to be COMPLETELY booked for me. lol. I only have this little bit of time to shape the person needed? Hmmm.....lol.

My Cats

I am terribly sad to report that tonight i will be getting rid of the boycat. I just can t handle both of them right now. Just Egypt is good. I am not taking care of them the way i should and i just dont want the both of them around the baby. B4 Akira gets here i have soo much work to do to the house in preparation for her. Dissinfecting the house, throwing away many things, and getting Egypt taken care of. I hope that by then i will be in a new apartment. a two bedroom, or getting ready to move in one. My heart is saddened by my decision. I want my boycat. he is soo sweet. but i cant have it all.

Seems Like A lot

has been happening lately but i cant remember now what i have been wanting to write. This week and next few weeks will be sort of stressful. Because i will be working a little extra to make up for money we need saved. i really wish boyfriend would get a second job. that would help me/ us out so much. i often wonder why he is dragging his feet about it. i am worried. i am worried about rather or not we will have enough money to save for the little girl. i will be working my butt off to make sure she has what she needs. i dont even know if i will be getting a baby shower or whatever. i just dont have the money and now ( just as i predicted would happen) his mom is acting funny. You know that family really, really, really gets under my skin at times. but this is the hand i was dealt, or should i say chose. They arent BAD people, please dont misunderstand the situation, they are just reallu funny acting and weird to me. His mom and i had a reallylong conversation this weekend and i just feel so uneasy about it. About them. Whatever, i dont go with them, i go with boyfriend and thats all that matters. i just cant wait for Kira to get here because i REALLY wonder how things will transpire with her in the mix. ACTUALLY HERE. I have been trying not to think about it too much. As a matter of fact i have resolved that in themonth of January for the new year i will take control of my own happiness. i will HELP myself. I have been doing a lot better with this, but not as well as i could be. I must pray for myself a lot more. Pray, Pray, Pray.

Getting the LIfe I Deserve

I will pledge to myself that STARTING today and during the year of 2008 I will focuse on attaining the life that my daughter and I DESERVE. No, not need, or want. But that what is due to us. It is due to her. She is supposed to have this life.
This is my year to be the women I have always wanted to be. This year I will put AKIRA RAQUELL and LAKESHAI AREALLE first. Starting 12/18/07, TODAY, I will focuse on steps to achieve my goals. Ever since 2006 I have known that I want FINANCIAL INDEPENDENCE, and a FULFILLED PERSOANAL LIFE.
Today I will create a plan to realize my dreams.
This is my year to achieve 5 goals:
Negative factors real and imagined will no longer be obstacles to my success. To get over NOT SAVING, I will stop SPENDING. To get over MONEY MANAGMENT ISSUES, I will pray that I EXERCISE SELF CONTROL. To get over NOT HAVING MONEY, I plan to WORK MORE. To get over SPIRITUAL LONGING, I will pray that I RELY COMPLETELY ON GOD FOR STRENGTH. I know I will be successful because it is my dream to HAVE FINANCIAL INDEPENDENCE AND SPIRITUAL FULFILLMENT FOR MY DAUGHTER AND I.
To stay on track I will have my friend LAKESHAI AREALLE (ME) check in on my progress every week and hold me accountable. This is my personal 2008 pledge to myself so that I can realize my dreams and live the wonderful life WE fully deserve.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

My heart goes out to my DAUGHTER

I cringe when i think of what i have to raise her in. this world. it's so cruel and heartless. only for her pure white innocence to be tainted and tarnished by so called "family'', ''friends'', and ''humans'' who she has to coexist with. i wish i could move her to some sort of civilized island with normal people and raise her to love, nurture and be strong. raise her to fear no man, be independent, and open minded. i want her to have structure in the right areas ( her education, her personal life, and her morals) without being so tightly wound that she cant see past black and white. i want, i want, i want! i want to cry for my daughter. because i know that on her own accord she is going to make decisions that will make me want to RING HER NECK and they will hurt her. and i wont be able to stop the hurt. i want to cry for my daughter because people will hurt her, misunderstand her, judge her and fight her (physically, mentally, and emotionally). I want to cry for my daughter because there will be time i CANT walk for her, i cant guide her. she will be on her own. i want to cry for my daughter because people will want to shut her up , stomp her down, and scare her. They will call her ugly (because this world is just MEAN)

but i wont cry. I will be strong. and i will raise her to be the same way. i wont cry because when she makes that decision that will make me want to ring her neck, she'll have the sense to realize her mistakes, learn from them, and grow. she'll stop her hurt and I'll be right there cheering her on. I wont cry for my daughter because when people hurt her, misunderstand her, judge her and want to fight her. She wont quiver because she has a pussy. She will continue to walk strong, high and fight back. Fight with her words, her education, HER FIST! I wont cry for my daughter because when i cant walk for her, or guide her she will have god and legions of angels on her side to walk with her. i wont walk for her, but i too will walk WITH her. I wont cry for my daughter because when they try to shut her up, stomp her down, or scare her. She wont be, she'll be fearless, opinionated tall. when people call her names and ugly , her feelings wont be hurt. she'll know beyond any doubt that she is beautiful, black and a princess. my princess, a raising queen. I'm raising a queen.