Saturday, May 24, 2008


is so strong it's scary. How is it possible to love someone this much? I am so afraid of it. I am so afraid to be this open and vonerable to someone eles. All i want is to protect her. But one day she is going to hurt and i cant do anything about it , one day she is going to leave and i cant stop her, one day we will fuss with one another and she's going to dislike me for a little while. But i love her so much that i am literally AFRIAD of these things happening. what if she grows up and decides to hate me, or just change into someone i didnt raise her to be. or what if something happens and we are apart. i hate loving her so much, because these possiblilities have made me afraid of it, afraid of her. i am afraid of being hurt. hurting like i know i have hurt my mother. my poor mother misses me and loves me. i am so sorry for putting her through this. now i know how she feels. and it hurts. i never knew this b4. i am afraid and hurt over the POSSIBILITY of these things happening between Kira and I and yet look at what i put my mother through on a daily basis. But i promise i will not let anything come between my daughter and I. NOTHING will have the power to sevor our relationship like some things have sevore me and my mom's.

She Is...

The answer to my prayers
my calm after the storm
the love i get no matter what
the love i give no matter what
my breathe of fresh air
the best thing to ever happen to me
my sunny delight
my poota butt
my light at the end of the tunnell
the reason i pray at night
my joy
my motivation
my child
the reason y i smile
the light of my life
the smile i get no matter what


Wednesday, May 7, 2008

My Poota Butt: Akira

She has changed my life so much. I thinki she is perfect in every way. Just beautiful, full of sweet kisses, and kind. I miss her so much while i am working. i brought one of her onesies and pair of her socks with me to work. Helps me get through the time i am not with my poota butt. lol. yeah thats what i call her . lol. it's so gay. lol. tonight she took a shower for the first time. usually we always take a bath. well, i let the water spray her and she took deep relaxing breathes. i like when she is relaxed. the water got in her hair and it was slicked down to her scalp. lol. she looked to cute and when it dried it stuck straight out and she looked funny. we dried off, i lotioned her and told her how sweet she smelled and to always take care of herself no matter what. to bathe daily and put lotion and deodorant on. lol. she looked at me baffled. i brushed her hair and told her not to go outside unless her hair is combed . it's 1:28 am. i count down the hours til i am with her and can hold her, kiss her, nurse her. she holds on to me like i am her everything, thats fine she can hold on to me all she wants. tonigt i was talking to her and telling her i will always have her and support her that no matter what she can always hold on to me. i know she loves me. she acts like it. lol . i wonder if she;s crying now. i hope not. before i left for work i told her to go to sleep and be a good girl that i would be back soon. she looked at me with big wondering eyes. when i nurse her the most reassuring, fulfilling, loving feeling is when she has my nipple in her mouth looks up at me and smiles with her milk comming out. i love when she's satisfied because of me. and she gets done with milk still dripping out of her mouth. i feel wonderful when i know she is full and warm. when i get her in the morning we bundle up close together in the bed and i hold her and nurse her til we fall asleep. i hope devin is burping her good. i miss my poota butt. i have to stop writting or i will surly cry. only 5 hours and 20 minutes till i hold my baby and give her all she needs. Me.

Sunday, May 4, 2008


Is what i'm doing and dont need to be. because it inhibits my ability to produce enough milk to feed Kira. But i keep crying because i have so much on my mind. i dont even know where to start or if i want to. i may sound scatter brained and make no sense to myself. nobody may even know what i'm talking about. but here goes a list of everything that is bothering me.
1. my car is broke down in the middle of the road
a. dont have money to get towed
b. dont want kira on the bus
2. people talkin bout me. concerning themselves with me and mine
3.rather of not kira can stay with my mom at night while i work
a. i really dont want her with Devin.
4. i miss my baby girl

ok so now to address and expond on all issues:
I am so happy that i was able to drop Kira off at my mom's house b4 it cut off on me. thats one good thing that came from it. i was on my way to work when it just cut off. Well yesturday i noticed a clacking sound comming from it. Devin looked at it and said it was the oil filter that needed to be changed because it had a whole in it. well today all the places were closed. i thought i could get it in the morning. i just hope it's still under warentee and it's not the engine. i dont think it is..but it would be just my luck.
Tonight my step father informed me that someone ran across a profile that i have on another social website and told him the things i have on there. they arent bad things just things that are not cool for a JW. (mind you, i am NOT a JW. I was isolated a long time ago) so i'm wondering why these people are typing my fucking name in search engines and pulling my shit up and then going and telling my parents! WTF!? I dont understand what the purpose is in telling my parents like i am a child and still live in thier home. what can my parents do? the only thing that did was upset them. noone even talks to me. so what do u care what i do in my spare time and things. step dad said it was so serious because i talking about how i like other religions and religious leaders. IDK.
I made that page a long time ago. And at that time i didnt know what i truly believed. but i now know which religion is best for me. JW. it's hard to do what i am supposed to to live right my god's standards but i am trying. it's hard to just leave devin and strt going back to the hall and being around a bunch of really phoney people . i was trying to wait it out. so devin and i could get married first. but it's not happening fast enough. i realize that i have to do it for Jehovah. i have to live for him and Akira. The only options that i have is to break up with Devin to get reinstated (not be isolated from my religion) and be unhappy without him and him not being around Akira. and Me being unhappy around a bunch of people that i feel are fake and phoney and talk about it. But knowing that i am making Jehovah happy and he will see me through it. but i dont have that much faith. i am not that strong. to just DO this. i love him and dislike them. i know i am not supposed to serve god for people. thats not what i am doing. it's just hard to sacrifice my best friend and father of my child to go back to something that hurts because i know that this is what jehovah requires of me. the only thing i am building on is that it will make Jehovah happy and that i will have my family. i miss my mom so much. but i wonder if it will be the same with me and them. i havent heard from them in so long i resent the fact that this has stopped our relationship.
tonight while i was dropping kira off at my mom;s house and telling her pointers about Kira.

Back To Work

I'm back to work for the first time since Akira has been born tonight. I miss her so much. My mom has her which takes a load off my mind so much. But i dont know how long that will last for. i think thats my step dad is going to make it hard for my mom to watch Kira. He sayd my mom didnt discuss this with him. And that she already has too much on her plate already. And then the situation that i am in with my religion. It all sucks. Well, by my being disfellowshipped isolated because of the life i live) my mom isnt supposed to talk to me or anything. But that doesnt apply with Akira. But my step dad doesnt want it. i guess. i dont know. i just really didnt want her and Devin home alone. i'm just so scared for anyone eles to have her at night. I understand that's her father and all but he get's really grumpy when he is sleepy and cant sleep on top of that he sleeps so hard that i'm afraid her cries wont wake him up. i just dont know what to do.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

ok...I'v Lost My Mind

What was i thinking??? two weks ago i completly lost it and put a perm in my hair. i did it for everyone eles. And still thinking that perm+me=pretty. so feeling low i did it. then i felt terrible. i just couldnt get used to permed hair again i totally went against my grain. i'll just have to set aside money to keep up my braids. so anyway, yesturday i woke up feeling bad about it. thinking how i personally love all things natural. thats just how things are meant to be. at least for me. so i got my baby together and gethered myself said a silent prayer and walked down the street to the barber. told him to take it off. i knew deivin would hate it and that he would hate my wig. but i hated myself. i cant live for him. so when he got in the house ihad my wig on and he stopped dead in his tracks and stared at me "why'd u buy that?" "cause i wanted to change my hair up" "oh how much was it?" "twenty dollars" "oh ok" . i felt bad and lord knows i cant keep a secret. so later that night i said "i have to tell u something" "what?" i got nervous and made up a lie about something. so earllllyyyy this morning devin woke up and we made love. i thought to myself "oh wow how am i gonna keep his hands out of my hair" i tried to avoid sex telling him i was too sleepy, i didnt feel good blah blah blah. but my actions proved otherwise. oh yeah....i have on a scarf to cover my bald. so while we're making love he's grabbing my head and i cringe. he looked at me "you want me to hurry up dont u?" "yeah" (whole time i really didnt want him to. lol. boy was on point this morning but thats a different story. lol) so we finnish and i breathe a sigh of relief. i thougt i was out of the woods for a couple more days. well...out of no where devin asked "did u cut ur hair again?" my face gave it away and he knew i did. he tried to yank my scarf of but i held it on with all my might i didnt want him to see. he got mad and walked away. i was like " devin, i'm so sorry but the perm just wasnt me" "i KNOW it wasnt. you did it cause u thought thats what i wanted and thats not cool. i never WANTED you to perm your hair" "but i know what u like" "hair with no perm is better then head with no hair" i thought WTF was that? and giggled inside "but what hurts is that u lied about it". i felt terrible. i told him i was sorry and that i'd never lie to him again. he said "i dont care what u do with ur hair ur a grown ass women, but i do HATE that wig, but dont lie about nothing." we talked some more and he was hurt. i wish i had just come out with the truth in the beginning. but i feel good i am back to natural. lol. never again will i perm my hair. maybe it was a post pardum thing. IDK