Thursday, June 26, 2008

TODAY: 6/17/08

Devin's mom asked me if i wanted a reception today. i dont know what the deal is entirly though. idk if i have to pay or what. but it was weet. i think i will treat myself to that. u get married once. lol. what do u think?


it was interesting. i was happy that he told them. lol. we were eatting dinner as a family and i stood up to tell devin how much i love him and how proud i am of him for stepping up to the plate and really being a good daddy for poota and i. after that he told his family that we were getting married in a couple months. they gave us thier blessing along with many things to think about. one being our difference in religion and being unevenly yoked. we got done and on our ride home in the car i said "so ur parents brought up some good points tonight, u think?" "yeah" " so, WHAT do u think." "i dont know." "do u think u still want to do it?" "yes" 'i mean the chips could fall either way. we could follow the same religion, and have all that evenly yoked stuff and shit STILL hit the fan and we fall apart." "true.blah blah blah' (i dont remember exactly what he said to repeat it. lol. but it was nice. i'm just excited his parents know. and i he found my ring. whew! i'm not ever parting with it again. i felt so bad w/o it


So i'v been making my meetings at the hall pretty regularly these past couple weeks. i'm excited. lol. and we go to get our marriage license this week. (friday). i'm double excited about that. it doesnt even matter to me that the majority of my family wont be there. as long as devin is. all i need is him. lol. and to stand at the fuckin alter and say "i do'. lol. i still need to find a dress. lol my mom said "u gonna look cute right?!" lol. i will. i already have it in my head how i wanna look. a pretty , tall, white head wrap with a gold trim in it. a flower to put on the side. lol. that may be too much. i have to see how that looks. wrap AND gold trim AND flowers may not all be needed. lol. and a pretty plain white dress. YES WHITE! lol. i know i aint a virgin but damn can i have my tradition. lol. i need to find poota something nice to wear also. lol. she will be my flower girl that cant walk yet. lol. the only thing that bothers me is that devin still hassnt told his parents yet! i try not to care thinking that "it's his life, they dont need to know. who cares." but then i feel sorry for them. and i wonder what type of wedding they want for thier son. i wonder if they will resent me in some way. i hope not because i have grown to kindda like them. lol. well, a lot. i dont want thier feelings hurt especially mrs. paula. she's cool now. another thing that bothers me is that i cant find my ring. i acnt believe i was so caeless. i really sounds like i just didnt care. but i took it off to lotion poota and now i cant find it. huh. i have to find it no matter what. today. i feel naked w/o it. like how i feel when i make a mistake and leave the house w/o my earrings. lol. just wierd.

found this mothers blog: changed my perspective

i was talking to my friend sam and she directed me to this site and while on there i ran across this article:

I am... (Shannon)

I am a mother, just like the rest of the posters here, I’ve been reading since the beginning of this website, but have yet to see a story like mine. Therefore I decided the time has come for me to share. I have two daughters. The first was born in 2004. She left stretch marks that began on my upper thighs and reached upwards like flames around my belly button. They faded rather quickly from bright red to beige matching my skin tone. I only gained 30 pounds with her, and in two years time I was down to my lightest weight (180 lbs, I’m 5 foot, 11 inches tall). My first daughter, J, is a shining star, a streak of light and sound. She is strong, fierce, fun, and a constant source of joy (and headaches, I have a strong willed child). She was the unplanned blessing, bringing my boyfriend and me together as husband and wife, making us into a family. In June 2006 I became pregnant a second time. We believed that this was likely our last child, so my pregnancy was something I wanted to enjoy as much as I could. How I treasured every kick and wiggle. I didn’t get any new stretch marks, gained 35 pounds. It was an uneventful pregnancy. My second baby girl, M, came on her due date, after 8 hours of agonizing labor as she was “sunny side up”. Finally she turned, I pushed five minuets and my blessing had arrived. This is generally what the website is about, our pregnancy and labor stories, but my second daughter’s story began later, and it has changed the person I am, the sort of mother I am. It has changed everything. M developed normally until she was 5 months. At that time we noticed she had a bit of a tremor, it grew worse, and at 6.5 months she was seen by specialists. The diagnosis rocked our world. She has a form of Mitochondrial Disease, known specifically as Leigh’s Disease. The mitochondria in her cells are unable to produce enough energy to properly fuel her body, in my daughter’s case this is due to a genetic mutation. The prognosis is poor; life expectancy varies from months to a few years. Leigh’s Disease attacks her brain, the area that controls motor control (both voluntary and involuntary) is being eaten away at, a little bit at a time. Eventually, her brain will no longer send the message to her lungs to breath. At the time of diagnosis she was sitting supported, babbling, just shaky. She has regressed, she no longer sits. She no longer rolls or holds her head up. The talking has ceased, she no longer cries and the silence is deafening. M is not able to hold things in her hands; her big sister is hit hard by her no longer holding any toys. She rarely makes eye contact and each smile, rare as they are is a celebration. We are loosing our blessed girl, far too quickly. So, that is my story. As I type she is on my lap, staring contentedly into space. The cocktail of drugs she takes daily is designed to control seizures and make her as comfortable as possible. Some days she is present, some days her little mind is in a far off place. She is fed by a tube in belly, scars on her beautiful skin. Her eyes are shockingly blue, her hair brown like mine, and she is beautiful and absolutely perfect. In just a year I came to know her, and came to know that I must let her go. I read the stories here, finding comfort in the other women who have lost children, but I am different from those who loose in childbirth. I read the other stories, women who seem so consumed with their bodies changes they almost miss the miracle before them. I cannot help but want to scream. I no longer care about the stretch marks that scar me, or the extra pounds around my middle caused more by emotional eating than baby weight gain. I am proud that my arms are strong to rock, my back able to bear the weight of motherhood. My eyes are older now, but I’ve seen such beauty along with all the sadness. My feet have walked miles comforting children; it’s made my legs strong. My breasts are unrecognizable after nursing two girls, but I am proud that I was able, and will continue to nurse M as long as we can. I have learned so much about faith, so much about myself, I have learned how amazing a man my husband really is. Our babies are beautiful, treasure them. In the end the size of jeans you wear is so little compared to the smile they give. That is my story, I am proud to have shared.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Post Baby Appearence

I feel bad because there are some women who view thier post baby body's as a badge of honor. They are proud to have even carried a child and wear thier stretch marks as sort of a right of passage. in my heart i would LIKE to feel that way. But i just dont. i feel bad inside when i look at my breast that now sag worse then they ever have, my belly that pouches out, my skin went to shit when i got pregnant, and this damn HAIR. OH! I need to feel better about it all. Devin tells me one thing. He tells me i'm beautiful and he tries to make me feel it. He's sweet. But INSIDE i help but feel that he is just SAYING these things. IDK. Maybe not. i know it's probably just me. i wonder howi can feel better about myself real fast. i know that i need to work onmy skin , but i cant loose weight too much because in order to loose weight u need to loose calories and i need those calories and then some in order to breastfeed. i'll pray about it. and work on things. i wonder whats a good fade cream w/o fading my damn complexion. lol. but u know poota is soooo worth it. lol. BUT ONLY HER! lol. no more children. at least not now.

Going To The Kingdom Hall

Has been going fairly well this past week. I really like going to my grandparent's. lol. The old people there are FUNNY. lol. Shockingly i feel comfortable. i take my baby and all is well. i wonder if all will stay well as the years go by. i wonder if devin will stay as cooperative as he is now with it. i hope so. i have heard the horror stories of people not marrying other witnesses and it just not working out as a couple. that when u try to mix JW with other religions it's like tring to mix oil with water. it wont go. but devin is sweet. he wants to give it a try anyways. too. i have been reading my bible and literature more. it feels. good. but at the same time i am discouraged, because i have let myself get so far gone that i have become unfamiliar with my bible. but it's all good. i feel coser to jehovah now , more then i have in a very long time. if not EVER. i remind myself that although Satan is going to test me, but that Jehovah is stronger then him and if i rely on Jehovah i can make it through this.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

a turning point

Well i have decided that i will be going back to the Kingdon Hall on a regular basis. No more fooling around with it. That is where my heart is and where my heart belongs. i just hope that i can look past people's flaws and be forgiving. own up to what i have done and move on with my life. i am feeling more and more like the things that i have done dont matter. whereas b4 i held on to it. i let it consume and take me away from my family and friends. well, no more. i'm moving on and forward. i want to be happy. i know that having religion in my life andspiritual guidence is a contributing factor to me being happy. i want poota to have that happiness to. i have said this b4 but i have observed a lot of young of other people and the voids they have far as religion is concerned and what they believe. They are unsure, they are afraid of a loving god, or afraid to ask questions. i have ALWAYS known what i know is the truth about god is the truth about god. even if i studied other things and tried to think differently. Having poota has really solidified my believe in god and my teachings. I look at this little girl and i feel and know that there HAS to be a god. For someone to be inside of you growing and turning into a human and then COME OUT and it really IS a person. I perfect, beautiful HUAMAN with big eyes that look up at me, and fat lil fingers and toes, and a heart that beats and loves and a smile that is ABSOLUTELY TO DIE FOR. There has to be a god and there is no doubt in my mind about it. so with that being said from now on i will live my life as such. i want to make him happy. i want his blessings and protection of me and my family especially my daughter. i want him to bless what she does. i want her to know about him.

i get my car back today

poota wont have to be on the bus stop anymore. YEAH!!! It was so annoying that she was. But u know what? She was ok. She didnt freeze, or burn up , or get soaking wet like i thought she would. I didnt catch a cold, or cry, or even care that she was on the bus. lol. she was OK. I'v been thinking lately about that. How so far she has been OK. Just Fine. I had all these terrible predictions in my mind of eminent disaster and problems. But so far everything has been fine. i feel releved. lol . Which leads me to feel that i will let myself go. I am going to love poota as hard and as much as i want, and although i have been doing that i have been afraid. Well i dont want to be afraid anymore. as a matter of fact i wont. she is the one person that i will give myself to unnconditionally and not be afraid of what COULD or MAY happen. Because just as these past few weeks passed with her on the bus and she was ok, years and a whole lifetime could pass by and things be just fine between us. i will work hard on her so that she always respects me and always WANTS me. WANTS to come to and talk to me. I dont think i will have a problem with that since the girl talks so much now. lol. her devin and i were sitting on the bed oassing time the other night and she was making SO MUCH NOISE it didnt make any sense. lol i said "hey poota, how are you the smallest one in here yet the loudest." she looked at me and kept talking. i wonder sooo much what she's talking about and what she's thinking about. i wonder if it frustrates her that she cant get it out. lol. well, i will continue to nurse this side of her it's good.