Monday, January 18, 2010

LMBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Weekend Foolery: 1/16-1/17/2010

this is a CUTIE PIE!!! MY POOOOTSSS



and she INSISTS on taking these pictures of her face with the camera. shes so smart



My dad bought poots her first tricycle a while ago.she's finally tall enough to ride it. and this is her first time on. awww!


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DRESSES I LIKE (for my spring wedding)





Friday, January 15, 2010

NO!!

i find myself getting depressed again. EVERYTIME i go to move forward with my life Satan uses the SAME old tactics to pull me BACK down again. NO!! i am NOT GOING BACK! I REFUSE TO GO BACK! he can take me through something NEW and DIFERENT and twist me and turn me all around but HE WILL NOT TAKE ME BACK TO WHERE I WAS!! i am moing FOWARD with my life!
No matter what i am moving forward with my wedding, i am moving forward with drawing close to Jehovah and understanding him. i WONT STOP AGAIN! everytime i go to get close to jehovah and get married the SAME OL bull crap happens. My parents start chimming in and confusing me, Devin act a fool, i get overwhelmed i get depressed and i STOP. NOT THIS TIME!! NOT THIS YEAR! so "Satan you take me through some NEW crap, but we WONT go through OLD crap AGAIN!"

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

WHYYYYYY????????????????

huh?? why?? why cant i have what everyone eles has?? a good relationship with GOD AND my parents AND my husband?? why do i have to make a choice between the two? it just seems sooo unfair!But im not giving up. i am STILL gonna serve Jehovah. I just dont know how. EVERYBODY is pulling me in different directions. one person is in my left ear saying "if you dont serve Jehovah MY way YOU GONNA DIE!" and another persona is in my right ear saying "if you dont ser Jehovah MY way YOU GONNA DIE!" CAN I PLEASEEEEEE JUST NOT DIE????!!!! i REALLY value my life and am TRYING really hard to live it right. My parents talk to me and they tell me that THE ONLY WAY i am going to be pleaseing to Jehovah and make it into ever lasting life is if i am a JEHOVAH'S WITNESS! So, there are people on this planet that REALLY love Jehovah and appreciate him, and are SERVING him to the BEST of THIER knowledge...so u telling me that if those SAME people have NEVER met a JW in THIER LIFE Jehovah is unpleased with them and wont give them everlasting life???????? I DONT BELIEVE THAT! I told my dad that i dont want to be a JW and i like "something eles". and he told me "you are playing a deadly game girl! ect ect ect" i said " so what happens to OUR relationship (him and i)?" he said "we cant have a relationship." i said "ok" and it hurts sooooooo bad!!!!!
WHY CANT I FOLLOW THE RELIGION THAT MAKES ME HAPPY?????????? I DONT WANT TO BE A JW IT DOES NOTHING FOR ME!! I AM NOT HAPPY WHEN I GO TO THE HALL, I NEVER HAVE BEEN. I DO NOT FEEL CLOSE TO GOD AS A JW I NEVER HAVE!! SO WHAT IS THAT? NOW I FIND A RELIGION THAT I LIKE ANDI FEEL CLOSE TO JEHOVAH (FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER) AND I AM TOLD THAT ITS UNACCEPTABLE TO HIM AND IMMA DIE. I HATE THIS FEELING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I REALLY REALLY DO!!!!!
now i do wonder about things like blood transfusions and political neutrality, speakin in tongues ect. i wonder how Jehovah feels about those things. but WHICH RELIGION IS RIGHT??

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Im sorry i have been so quiet lately

but yall k now thats how i get when i am going through. so...up and down and up and down again with this thing called religions and me trying to live right and happily. So as usual i am crossed between being a Jehovah"s Witness and Not being one. In not being one, i feel good and comfortable going to church. i feel motivated and close to Jehovah. But i wonder is that service to him RIGHT and acceptable. is he pleased with me. i think to myself "this type of service feels so wonderful and comforting it CANT be wrong." i think to myself "i have NEVER been THIS much in love with Jehovah in MY LIFE...this CANT be wrong." but then i go and talk to my parents and they tell me that if i am not a jehovah's witness my service and worship to jehovah is unacceptabel. and that i have FOOLED MYSELF into believeing that it is a good and acceptable thing not to be a witness. idk what to do anymore. but i am proud of myself. but ANY OTHER TIME in my life i would give up a this point and feel defeated and comfortable NOT doing ANYTHING. but i KEEP praying to and worshiping jehovah. and asking him to show me the right way. i doubt EVERYTHING now. i DONT KNOW what to believe. but i know that i should not be smoking an i should be having se. SO I REFUSE to do those things. i read my bible, dance and pray. when i get overwhelmed with inner workings of religion i just stop and pray. because i am not supposed to feel overwhelmed when in jehovah's company. i am supposed to feel comforted and at peace. satan keeps trying to snatch me up, with stress, my parents and confusion. but i wont let him. i KEEP PRESSING FORWARD. i KEEP SEEKING ANSWERS! and clarity and understanding. jehovah knows i only want to do what is right. and i cant do something that doesnt motivate me to want to be faithful.
and as usual when this happens i begin to grapple with myself concerning my relationship with devin. and what to with him and our living situation. i dont feel jehovah is calliing him out of life. as a matter of fact i feel i am good for devin and he is good for me. and we have stopped having sex. as a matter of a fact i told my mom that i have been celibate and she wasnt even encouraging. she said "well u still living in sin! and what the point of not having sex if thats what ur gonna do?? and a man is gonna wanna have sex so rather he get..." i cut her off. i was sooooo ANGRY that she incinuated that if i stay faithful to god devin is gonna leave me. and while i am not so delisional i dont KNOW that that is a very real possibility my faith is in god. and if devin does decide to leave me over sex, i know jehovah has a better more suitable mate for me. but in my heart i dont believe devin is THAT type of man!! but her saying this DID make me THINK and did make me insecure and feel like "well what if?...and maybe he." suppose i had went home and had sex with devin thinking that if i didnt he was gonna leave me? just based off of some mess she said. she could have HELPED me be faithful!!
but ANYWAYSSSSSS we want to get married in April. but we still live together. but i dont want to be disobedient and live together UNTIL April. we arent supposed to live together. DELAYED obedience is REALLY disobedience. but devin doesnt have a place to go. i told him that i dont want to live togeter until out wedding date and he said "well r u gonna find a place for me to live?" and i said "idk where u gonna live. if we were to break up tomorrow where would u go?" he said "with my parents. but they arent gonna let me stay there temporarily." so i called ms. paula and told her the problem amd she said "keshai it is not up to u to worry about were devin goes. you just have to do right. devin doesnt have a heaven and hell jehovah does. ect ect ect." so i said "but what am i supposed to do? put him in the COLD?" i guess so ,cause she didnt say that devin could come home til we get married. hmmm...she'd let him come home if we BREAK UP, but NOT for rightousness sake TEMPORARILY? i dont get that. ill have to ask her about that. i mean because its not like im asking u to disobey jehovah or break one of his rules. but i guess it is HER rule. and she has always been BIG on when SHE has a rule or a principle come hell or high water she WONT break it NO MATTER WHAT. ok. BUT IN EVERY CASE?? so if her answer is no, ILL LEAVE. and we'll just have to get married sooner. and i know yall like "WHY U GONNA LEAVE YOUR HOUSE??" because im NOT gonna put the MAN i LOVE and want to marry on the street, but I WILL SERVE JEHOVAH and do things PROPERLY!!

Monday, January 11, 2010

Weekend Foolery: 1/9-1/10/2010

This weekend i wanted to take poots to library for the first time and get her a library card. she LOVES to read. shes sooo intelligent. But when we got there the librarian said poots was too young. so i decided to renew my card. But when we got there, there was this place INSIDE the library for kids called STORYVILLE. It is sooo cute. its like a little town for kids age born - 5. it has a theater, a store, a house, a place to go and work and a garden, u can go outside and cook on ur grill and all.loool its sooo cute!!


StoryVille
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I like it too because it affords Poots the oportunity to be able to play with OTHER kids. and be around other races. i like that cause she can be a bit of a bully. and i want her to STICK UP for herself, but DONT PICK and be mean.








another one of our favorite pass times is painting our nails. loool i want her to be dainty and girly while growing up, but not AFRAID to get dirty and play with the boys

PLease ignor my clothse (i need bins) but these pics were TOO cute not to put on here. This was her first time wearing this Jean set. and she just had this ATTITUDE to go along with it that was PRICELESS!!! like she was a REAL GANSTA!! standing with her hands in her pocket and REAL straight faced. looool




she has the COOLEST hair. loool. NO I DIDNT CUT HER HAIR INTO A MOHAWK (someone REALLY asked me that before) she was just BORN COOL and in style. THATS how u KNOW u a cool kid, when you're BORN with a mohawk. loool shes my natural hair inspiration. most of the time i will braid her mohawk down...but other days you just cant tame the hawk and it has to fly FREEEEEE!!!!! looooollll!!


and she always looks real EXTRA crazy when she says cheese...she REALLY REALLY REALLLLLY Likes saying cheese. lmboooooo!!