Tuesday, September 30, 2008

HE TOLD ME

TONIGHT THAT HE DOESNT WANT TO GET MARRIED UNTIL WE MAKE CHANGES IN OUR RELATIONSHIP. COOL. HE DOESNT LIKE MY FUSSINESS. AND I MUST ADMITT THAT IS THE BIGGEST THING I HAVE TO WORK ON MYSELF. IS CONTROLLING MY ANGER AND EMOTIONS. IT'S JUST THAT HE DOES OR SAYS THINGS THAT MAKE ME SO ANGRY AT TIMES. AND I GET SO OVERWHELMED WITH IT. AND REALLY ALL IT AMOUNTS TO IS HIM BEING DIFFERENT FROM EVERYONE. HE JUST MARCHES TO THE BEAT OF HIS OWN DRUM. AND THATS OK FOR HIM...JUST NOT ME ALL THE TIME. IDK HOW I EVEN FEEL RIGHT NOW. I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO CALM DOWN AND BREATHE. MEDITATE, JUST BE. IDK WHATS BEEN UP WITH ME LATELY BUT I NEED TO GET RID OF THIS ENERGY THAT I HAVE. THAT I HOLD ON TO, CARRY AROUND WITH ME AND THEN UNLEASH IT INTO THE WORLD LIKE A WHIRL WIND OF KEASHI HELL. LMAOOO. BUT NO. IT'S ALL BEGINNING TO COME TO A HEAD NOW. AND IT'S BEGINNING TO NOT JUST EFFECT ME BUT MY RELATIONSHIPS. MAYBE I NEED TO TALK TO A THERAPIST.

Monday, September 29, 2008

THIS WEEKEND BLAHH!! THE 2ND

THIS WEEKEND I WAS ANOTHER WAISTE. LMAOOO. IT WAS COOL THOUGH. I DIDNT DO anything BUT RELAX. I NEEDED IT THOUGH THIS WAS A DIFFICULT WEEK. TO TOP OFF THE SHIT WEEK I WAS HAVING ON THURSDAY DEVIN WAS FIRED FROM HIS JOB. BUT IT'S NOT TOO BAD BEINGS THOUGH THE JOB AT THE HOSPITAL CAME THROUGH FOR HIM. ITS JUST A MATTER OF WAITING FOR EVERYTHING TO GO THROUGH. YAY!!!

Sunday, September 28, 2008

My Days Are Better

These past few days have been much better. idk what was up with me this past week. but i'm glad it's over whatever it was.

Friday, September 26, 2008

EDUCATED YOUR CHILDREN!!! (watch this video)



This man needs to be killed! Tears are in my eyes as i write. and i was halfway ok up until the end when he talks about keeping your daughters in the house. HIts me hard. "dear lord in the heavens watch over my baby in this cruel cruel world, help her to be smart. teach me how to be the proper educator. to teach her how to be strong and....." i cant finnish my prayer.

I want to go to this OCT 3. FOR BALTIMORE NAPPIES!!!

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Wednesday, September 24, 2008

THIS WEEK I FEEL CRAPPY

and i dont ever remember feeling this way for so long, not even when i was pregnant. i never feel so down on myself. but i just feel a negtive energy following me. idk what it is but i feel scared, and ugly. this is terrible. what i'm thinking is that it may be time for me to do a detox of my system. because my house is clean and has been staying pretty clean lately so i dont know why i have been feeling so blah lately. it has to be my body. i mean literally i have been having nightmares, terrible violent thoughts, and anxiety. just scared and ugly. and i feel gulity for feeling this way because i have poots. i feel like she should be all i need to make me feel happy and fulfilled. but really it has nothing to do with her. its a personal battle. but i just feel like she shouldnt be exposed to this side of me. like even as i type now i'm crying. i'm sick of this shit. i sure hope i aint pregnant again. like earlier this evening i was watching t.v with devin and we were watching MAKING THE BAND . there was a scene in the show between Dawn and Que. he had gotten a hotel room and decked it all out with rose pedals, wine, and abubbles in the bath for her. then he sang YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL to her. and i started to cry! wtf? i just remember feeling this way when i was pregnant. i mean if i am....i cant say that i'm COMPLETELY opposed. i know. call me stupid. like with all the shit i already have going on in my life, including a baby already, i really need another. mmmm...

Monday, September 22, 2008

THIS WEEKEND....SO BLAHHH!

DO U KNOW I LITERALLY STAYED IN THE BED AND WAISTED A PERFECTLY GOOD WEEKEND? MMM...BUT I NEEDED IT. I HAVE BEEN WORKING HARD AND DOING MUCH SLEEPING SO I GUESS MY BODY WAS CRAVING A LIL R&R. MY CHECK WAS CRAPPY SO I WASN'T ABLE 2 DO MUCH GROCERY SHOPPING. BUT I DID GET A BIG CHICKEN AND I MADE CHICKEN SALAD WITH THAT. WE'LL HAVE CHICKEN N RICE THIS WEEK AND SPAHGETTI NEXT WEEK. WE SHOULD BE GOOD. I NEEDED TO STAY IN THE HOUSE THIS WEEKEND ANYWAYS TO SAVE GAS. DON'T HAVE MUCH MONEY FOR THAT THIS TIME AROUND EITHER. BLAHH! BUT IT AINT ALL BAD. I WAS ABLE TO BUY POOTS A FEW THINGS. TWO LITTLE TOYS AND A BOUNCEY THING. ITS HARD TO EXPLAIN BUT YOU HANG IT UP IN A DOORWAY AND PUT THE BABY IN IT AND THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BOUNCE AND SWING. POOTS DOES MORE SPINNING THEN ANYTHING IN IT THOUGH. LOL. SHE LOOKS SUPER CUTE AND FUNNY IN IT. BUT I FEEL GOOD ABOUT MY WEEKEND. MY HOUSE IS NICE AND CLEAN. I WOULD HAVE FELT PRETTY BAD ABOUT LAYING AROUND ALL WEEKEND IF MY HOUSE WAS A MESS ON TOP OF EVERYTHING. THERE IS SOMETHING SO ANNOYING ABOUT A PERSON LAYING AROUND ALL DAY AND THEIR IS A MESS. LMAOOOO. THE DEFINITION OF A LOOSER! LOL.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

IT'S LATER AFTER POOTS IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM

POOTS IS FINALLY SLEEP AND I STILL FEEL SO SAD INSIDE BUT A LOT MORE CALM. THE DR SAID SHE WAS FINE. BUT I WANTED HER TO HAVE A CAT SCAN OR SOMETHING FOR INTERNAL BRAIN INJURIES. INSTEAD THEY CHECKED HER PHYSICALLY AND CHECKED HER BEHAVIOR. THIS SILLY GOOSE ALL SMILING AND LAUGHING IN PEOPLE'S FACE. LMAOOOO. I WAS SO HAPPY SHE WAS. WE FOUND WERE THE BLOOD WAS COMMING FROM. THE INSIDE OF HER TOP LIP. YOU KNOW THAT THIN PIECE OF SKIN THAT CONNECTS THE TOP LIP TO THE GUM? WELL SHE HIT THAT. MMMM....POOR POOR BABY. I KNOW THAT HURTT!!!
BUT DO U WANT TO KNOW THE WORST FEELING? WHEN YOU FEAR SOMETHING HAPPENING TO YOUR CHILD. I USED TO SAY TO MYSELF ALL THE TIME "MMM I SURE DON'T EVER WANT HER TO FALL OFF THE BED . THAT WOULD HURT" I ALWAYS KEPT A CLOSE EYE ON HER FOR FEAR SHE WOULD FALLL. THEN THE FEAR BECAME A REALITY. AND I FEEL I SHOULD HAVE KEPT A WATCHFUL EYE . THE WORST FEELING IS FEELING LIKE I COULD HAVE AVOIDED HER DOING THE ONE THING I ABSOLUTLY DID NOT WANT HER TO DO. FALL.

OMG my worst fear happened today

I need anyone who reads this to please pardon any errors I may make in writting this. I decided to write while going through this to documents every feeling and emotion.

As I write I am sitting in the emergency room with my poots. My baby fell...she fell off MY bed! Its high and the floor is hard. She hit somehing on the dresser on her way down. The reason why I say "something" is because the weirdest thing happened. I saw blood. And as soon as I saw it, I didn't see it. Oh god, I was so scared. I feel so incredibly horrible because I NEVER fall asleep while she is awake for fear of something like this happening. Then my dumb ass flakes off to sleep by a miistake, like a dumb ass and well, here we are. In the emergency room for the first time.

My poor Poots. She cried sooo hard. I picked her up and there was blood. My nerves were so frazzled all I could think was dial 911. But when I got them on the line, just as soon as I saw the blood there was no more! But it was comming from her mouth when I saw it. Now nothing. So I told the 911 oporator nevermind. She was sweet. Ever so gently trying to calm me . But To no avail..I was done for. I called my mom next. And my hysteria had her hysterical. (Yea I inharitated a lot from her). She called Poots dr for me. Because I just couldn't pull it together. At this point poots is fine...lmaooo she's sooo incredibly gangsta. Literally she was acting her normal self. My mom told me to go to emergency room just to be sure. I had to calm down. I can't believe I did this all alone... so here I sit in the Franklin Sqaure Emergency room. Poots is looking fine. I just want to be sure she doesn't have any internal bleeding or anything. The fact that she was bleeding so quickly and then it was there anymore alarms me. Will write more later

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

TONGUE!!



She's been sticking her tongue out all day! it was so funny! just hilarious! lmaooooo. Good laughs!

mmmm,,,however..i think she's starting with this seperation anxiety thing. i dont know for sure. i have to look it up. but for the past week or so she's been in this mood. like she ONLY wants me. and if someone eles is holding her she cries and reaches for me. i mean its gotten to the point where i can hardly put her down to strap her in her car seat. i mean....dont get me wrong, i like it but i dont want ANYONE ELES to get offended. lmaooo. Thats my girlllll so i'd hold her all day and night if thats what she wants. as a matter of a fact i saw a new carrier for her. the one she has she's grown out of recently. well, TWO new carriers. i dont know which one i want so i think i may get both and just see how she likes them. My only concern with this new side of her is
1. why did it seem to happen so suddenly
2. will i somehow at this point 'spoil" her.
see i am not one to believe it is possible to spoil a infant, but she's getting to be a bit older now and acting like a "real person" (for lack of a better term). and i wonder if this is the point where i need to be a lil more firm with her. not letting her have everything she wants. i have to read a lil more info on it and talk with her dr.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Just Me Thinking n Writting

I was thinking this weekend about my Poots. I snaped a picture of her and i and looked at it. long and hard. i thought "mmm..i look and feel the exact same way as i have my whole life with the exception of having my poots." i look and see the same ol' Ki.i loook at her and think i dont deserve HER, her love. that she deserves so much more then just lil ol' me. she deserves some sort of super human, perfect mom. but i know i cant be perfect. so i concluded that i know i could never be perfect. but i will wake up praying every morning that i strive to be a better mother everyday. a better women everyday. because no matter what she gives me her love, her "round face" smiles and happiness to me.

this weekend was interesting, well first off i took a few days off of work because devin came down with Bronchitis and a flair up of his asthma. which aparently hasnt bothered him since he was a little boy. that was pretty stressful. but it was good because we got to take a few days off wirk together. but i'm back in this bitch now! i'm proud of him because he has a interview this week (tuesday). i hope everything works outs far as it is concerned. he will be able to have health insurance, and ect. and making about double what he is now! we went shopping for a new "interview outfit " for him today. his uncle Bret treated him to it. he said to me " my uncle bret supports me way more then my dad does. like my dad wouldnt have bought me these clothse ect" and i'm thinking thats cause ur people r weird.

this weekend was mrs. paula's bday. she had a party at her house. it was nice. i dont know why but i feel so uncomfortable around his family most of the time. mmm..its weird. like i cant just let go and be myself. i feel extreamly uptight. well, not everyone. just certain ones.

u know what i"m going to start doing? when i think of stuff i want to blog about i am going to write down little word clues in a book or something. because this is annoying. all this weekend i kept thinking of stuff i wanted to write about and now i cant think of anything i wanted to say.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

POOTS IS SOOOO FUNNY!






Ok so she's been doing this new thing where she undoes her diaper. And she has QUICKLY mastered the baby art of flipping over. She's slick with it now. Because before she would flip over and her arm would still be stuck under her body. Lol. But not now. Now she flips over and gets that arm out so fast! It's Like she challenges herself to see if she can beat the "arm get out " record or something.

So anyways, the other morning we're laying in the bed. And do u know this girl had poo poo'd , undid her diaper and commenced to flipping and rolling all over the bed! She messed up my freshly washed sheets! I was like "u just want to flip n roll at all cost don't you?" lmaoooo I could'nt get mad. All I did was laugh at her rolling with her diaper half on and half off.

Oh! But the sweetest....is now she reaches and graps for us. I LOVE IT! Im so mooshy. That sometimes I sit her down and hold my arms out just to see her reach for me. I love her. I love when she reaches for me.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

mmmm...I am in the mood for

-A ceasar salad (but without that white cheese) and lots of dressing
-a steak and baked potatoe
-pancakes with apple crisp topping from IHOP

And guess what? Im going to get it. And eat it all at once! And whatever I don't finnish I'm just gonna eat over the weekend. Idk why but I am craving bits of all of this at once. I feel so greedy. Lmaoooo. And I promise not to throw any of it away.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

I'm Gonna Write This off my Chest

at first i was a little scepticle about writting this on my blog. but then i thought " the hell? this is MY blog" and whomever doesnt like what i write about and how much drama in my life can ever so gently click on that little red ex in the top right hand corner."

so let me tell you. for the past few weeks whenever we go over to devin's parents house between, devin's sister, dad and mom they have all been laying it on kindda thick about giving pooots jared food. i mean LITERALLY at least ONE of them would say SOMETHING about how Poots needs to be on jared food, or how i"m gonna have to stop breastfeeding before a year is up, or something neggative as respects to my breastfeeding poots. so anyway today they came in the house after going to the grocery store with jars of food for her. i was like WTF!? its not even that i dont want her on baby food that irritated me so much but thier total lack of respect and consideration for my feeling towards the issue. its like instead of me stating my piece and that being that there was a constant bonbardment of questions.....convincing arguments.....shit that i was being talked to about. and it was just so annoying. i could spit. so anyways then me and devin are talking about it and he says that i am selfish! SELFISH?! are you fuckin kidding me?! he said i'm selfish because i want to breastfeed poots for one year rather she wants to be or not. first of all i could half way see his point if she even cared. but she doesnt. and would be sooooo much to ask that he be on my side for once. but i'm tired of writting about that. mmmm on top of it all my dad is missing. nobody has heard from him all damn day since 12 this afternoon and its 4 am