RUINED.....

God, although things are beginning to turn around for me. This has been a hard few days and it's getting ready to be a even harder next few days. I am terribly upset because i have been thinking of how i have ruined my life and burnt so many bridges with people, family, and friends. This weekend y cousin and I got intoit really bad and although she said some pretty hurtful things a lot of what she said was true and the truth hurts. I have fucked my life and fucked Akira's before she has even arrived. I am trying to develope independence and pride about myself and those speak for me. I am so tired. So this weekend I started my second job. I liked it although it's hella busy. But i am not lazy. Plus with this job it's pay day on the opposite weeks then on my full time job at Good Samaritan. So it will be like i am getting paid every week. That will be nice. Since i have a budgetting problem.

I am thinking about the people that i have hurt and i how i have no support. The fact that i have no support doesnt really bother me , in the sence that i am happy that this will FORCE me to be independent. But i am sorry about how i have hurt themand how i dont even have the OPTION of asking anyone for help. I am sorry to all of you. Anyone whom i have ever opened my mouth on, anyone whom i just didnt THINK with, i am sorry. I am sorry to my family most of all. I am sorry for the pain and shame i have caused you all, I am sorry for the hurt I am putting my mother through. I wish there was a way i could mend these relationships. I have decided to be alone for the next few days. I am cold, and lonely. What a bad combination.

Anyway:
I have accomplished 2 out of my 4 goals i set for myself. Next i will get an 1 bedroom apartment. Devin says he wants to move in with me. But he isnt making any moves to get a second job or to move inthe apartment i have now with me. Plus i want to do tis on my own. I will find a one bedroom apartment on my own for me and my baby. and furnish it. She'll like that. In a couple weeks i will look into making apointments for us. Then i will go back to school while she is little. It will only be 9 mos. To major in IT. Informations Systems. That is a well paying feild.