Wednesday, December 31, 2008

2009 Goals

1.PERSONAL:
-Read at least two books a month
-Start School
- KEEP clean house
-Exercise

2.FINANCIAL:
-Save a little from EACH check
-Pay Medical bills
-Pay citibank

3.SPIRITUAL:
-Marry Devin
-Make all the meeting I can
-Read bible

4.HAIR:
-Protective growth Challenge:
KEEP my hair done
-Crown-N-Glory Technique (NO)

these goals i think will be a lil easier gor me to accomplish this year

2008 A year in review: DID I ACCOMPLISH MY GOALS??

so i have the post i made from last year of my goals that i wanted to accomplish. i will repost it and say rather or not i accomplished them with a simple "yes" or "no" and a small explanation.

The 2008 GOAL PLAN:AKIRA RAQUELL BOLLING
1.PERSONAL:
-Akira Raquell Bolling-having a baby!(YES)she is the coolest thing ever
-Read 50 books-personal study (YES)i read more but not 50 books
-Finnish School (NO)but i decided where i want to go and what i want to do and how i'm paying for it! i am soooo ready.
-Clean House-dont let it get messy (NO)well, all things in time. lmaooo
-Bigger Apartment-move (YES)whew! by the skin of my teeth we just moved like a month ago
-Loose Weight (YES) i started 2008 at 172. i am now 130 ish. HOW YA LIKE ME!!

2.FINANCIAL:
-Save $1300.00 for Kira's stuff-before she gets here (NO) i never did
-Save a little from EACH check (NO)work in progress
-Pay Medical bills (NO) work in progress
-Pay citibank (NO) work in progress

3.SPIRITUAL:
-Devin (YES)we arent married. but we are engaged. MUCH BETTER
-Make all the meeting I can (NO)i made some but not all i could
-Read bible daily (NO)i started didnt finnish

4.HAIR:
-Protective growth Challenge (NO)
-Crown-N-Glory Technique (NO)

EVERYTHING THAT I DO FROM NOW ON OUT IS FOR MY DAUGHTER AND HER LIFE. ALTHOUGH THERE MAY BE A LOT OF PERSONAL GOALS WRITTEN HERE, THEY ALL ULTIMATELY ARE FOR HER BENEFIT. THAT IS WHY SHE IS WRITTEN AS ONE OF MY PERSONAL GOALS.LOL.
Posted by MyLoveMyLife at

Erykah Badu on How to make in the industry

video of poots saying her first word "stop"

video

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Poots Said Her First REAL word today!!!

lol. she sounded to cute and funny. but it was a word that she really isnt supposed to say. "stop." ok, this is how it went. i was eatting a bowl of noodles and it was real hot so i couldnt hold her or anything. but she was still trying to crawl to me. lol. so devin was grabbing her and pushing her back to the bed. well, the first time he did it she got a lil annoyed and just whinned a bit. but the second time he did it, she was trying to keep herself up and she said "oooo op." omg!! it was sooooo freakin hilarious. and we couldnt help but laugh. i figured we would excuse her this one time cause she was soooo darn cute. but after this she cant tell mommy and daddy to "stop" or in her language "ooo op" anymore. lmaooooo

awwww and she hhas two lil teeth. everything was just sooo extra cute. her teeth and the way she sounded saying stop. just too much.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

My Test results...this was pretty right

Audreys are receptive, good-natured, and supportive. They seek union with others and the world around them.


How to Get Along with Me

* If you want me to do something, how you ask is important. I especially don't like expectations or pressure
* I like to listen and to be of service, but don't take advantage of this
* Listen until I finish speaking, even though I meander a bit
* Give me time to finish things and make decisions. It's OK to nudge me gently and nonjudgmentally
* Ask me questions to help me get clear
* Tell me when you like how I look. I'm not averse to flattery
* Hug me, show physical affection. It opens me up to my feelings
* I like a good discussion but not a confrontation
* Let me know you like what I've done or said
* Laugh with me and share in my enjoyment of life




What I Like About Being an Audrey
* being nonjudgmental and accepting
* caring for and being concerned about others
* being able to relax and have a good time
* knowing that most people enjoy my company; I'm easy to be around
* my ability to see many different sides of an issue and to be a good mediator and facilitator
* my heightened awareness of sensations, aesthetics, and the here and now
* being able to go with the flow and feel one with the universe




What's Hard About Being an Audrey
* being judged and misunderstood for being placid and/or indecisive
* being critical of myself for lacking initiative and discipline
* being too sensitive to criticism; taking every raised eyebrow and twitch of the mouth personally
* being confused about what I really want
* caring too much about what others will think of me
* not being listened to or taken seriously




Audreys as Children Often
* feel ignored and that their wants, opinions, and feelings are unimportant
* tune out a lot, especially when others argue
* are "good" children: deny anger or keep it to themselves




Audreys as Parents
* are supportive, kind, and warm
* are sometimes overly permissive or nondirective


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Your result for Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz...

You Are an Audrey!


You are an Audrey -- "I am at peace"



Audreys are receptive, good-natured, and supportive. They seek union with others and the world around them.


How to Get Along with Me



  • * If you want me to do something, how you ask is important. I especially don't like expectations or pressure

  • * I like to listen and to be of service, but don't take advantage of this

  • * Listen until I finish speaking, even though I meander a bit

  • * Give me time to finish things and make decisions. It's OK to nudge me gently and nonjudgmentally

  • * Ask me questions to help me get clear

  • * Tell me when you like how I look. I'm not averse to flattery

  • * Hug me, show physical affection. It opens me up to my feelings

  • * I like a good discussion but not a confrontation

  • * Let me know you like what I've done or said

  • * Laugh with me and share in my enjoyment of life




What I Like About Being an Audrey

  • * being nonjudgmental and accepting

  • * caring for and being concerned about others

  • * being able to relax and have a good time

  • * knowing that most people enjoy my company; I'm easy to be around

  • * my ability to see many different sides of an issue and to be a good mediator and facilitator

  • * my heightened awareness of sensations, aesthetics, and the here and now

  • * being able to go with the flow and feel one with the universe




What's Hard About Being an Audrey

  • * being judged and misunderstood for being placid and/or indecisive

  • * being critical of myself for lacking initiative and discipline

  • * being too sensitive to criticism; taking every raised eyebrow and twitch of the mouth personally

  • * being confused about what I really want

  • * caring too much about what others will think of me

  • * not being listened to or taken seriously




Audreys as Children Often

  • * feel ignored and that their wants, opinions, and feelings are unimportant

  • * tune out a lot, especially when others argue

  • * are "good" children: deny anger or keep it to themselves




Audreys as Parents

  • * are supportive, kind, and warm

  • * are sometimes overly permissive or nondirective



Take Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz
atHelloQuizzy



Paste this code into Orkut:


Your result for Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz...

You Are an Audrey!


You are an Audrey -- "I am at peace"



Audreys are receptive, good-natured, and supportive. They seek union with others and the world around them.


How to Get Along with Me



  • * If you want me to do something, how you ask is important. I especially don't like expectations or pressure

  • * I like to listen and to be of service, but don't take advantage of this

  • * Listen until I finish speaking, even though I meander a bit

  • * Give me time to finish things and make decisions. It's OK to nudge me gently and nonjudgmentally

  • * Ask me questions to help me get clear

  • * Tell me when you like how I look. I'm not averse to flattery

  • * Hug me, show physical affection. It opens me up to my feelings

  • * I like a good discussion but not a confrontation

  • * Let me know you like what I've done or said

  • * Laugh with me and share in my enjoyment of life




What I Like About Being an Audrey

  • * being nonjudgmental and accepting

  • * caring for and being concerned about others

  • * being able to relax and have a good time

  • * knowing that most people enjoy my company; I'm easy to be around

  • * my ability to see many different sides of an issue and to be a good mediator and facilitator

  • * my heightened awareness of sensations, aesthetics, and the here and now

  • * being able to go with the flow and feel one with the universe




What's Hard About Being an Audrey

  • * being judged and misunderstood for being placid and/or indecisive

  • * being critical of myself for lacking initiative and discipline

  • * being too sensitive to criticism; taking every raised eyebrow and twitch of the mouth personally

  • * being confused about what I really want

  • * caring too much about what others will think of me

  • * not being listened to or taken seriously




Audreys as Children Often

  • * feel ignored and that their wants, opinions, and feelings are unimportant

  • * tune out a lot, especially when others argue

  • * are "good" children: deny anger or keep it to themselves




Audreys as Parents

  • * are supportive, kind, and warm

  • * are sometimes overly permissive or nondirective



Take Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz
at HelloQuizzy


Paste this code in to LiveJournal:


Your result for Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz...

You Are an Audrey!

mm.audrey_.jpg

You are an Audrey -- "I am at peace"



Audreys are receptive, good-natured, and supportive. They seek union with others and the world around them.


How to Get Along with Me



  • * If you want me to do something, how you ask is important. I especially don't like expectations or pressure

  • * I like to listen and to be of service, but don't take advantage of this

  • * Listen until I finish speaking, even though I meander a bit

  • * Give me time to finish things and make decisions. It's OK to nudge me gently and nonjudgmentally

  • * Ask me questions to help me get clear

  • * Tell me when you like how I look. I'm not averse to flattery

  • * Hug me, show physical affection. It opens me up to my feelings

  • * I like a good discussion but not a confrontation

  • * Let me know you like what I've done or said

  • * Laugh with me and share in my enjoyment of life




What I Like About Being an Audrey

  • * being nonjudgmental and accepting

  • * caring for and being concerned about others

  • * being able to relax and have a good time

  • * knowing that most people enjoy my company; I'm easy to be around

  • * my ability to see many different sides of an issue and to be a good mediator and facilitator

  • * my heightened awareness of sensations, aesthetics, and the here and now

  • * being able to go with the flow and feel one with the universe




What's Hard About Being an Audrey

  • * being judged and misunderstood for being placid and/or indecisive

  • * being critical of myself for lacking initiative and discipline

  • * being too sensitive to criticism; taking every raised eyebrow and twitch of the mouth personally

  • * being confused about what I really want

  • * caring too much about what others will think of me

  • * not being listened to or taken seriously




Audreys as Children Often

  • * feel ignored and that their wants, opinions, and feelings are unimportant

  • * tune out a lot, especially when others argue

  • * are "good" children: deny anger or keep it to themselves




Audreys as Parents

  • * are supportive, kind, and warm

  • * are sometimes overly permissive or nondirective



Take Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz
at HelloQuizzy


Paste this code into Blogger:

Your result for Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz...

You Are an Audrey!

mm.audrey_.jpg


You are an Audrey -- "I am at peace"



Audreys are receptive, good-natured, and supportive. They seek union with others and the world around them.


How to Get Along with Me



  • * If you want me to do something, how you ask is important. I especially don't like expectations or pressure

  • * I like to listen and to be of service, but don't take advantage of this

  • * Listen until I finish speaking, even though I meander a bit

  • * Give me time to finish things and make decisions. It's OK to nudge me gently and nonjudgmentally

  • * Ask me questions to help me get clear

  • * Tell me when you like how I look. I'm not averse to flattery

  • * Hug me, show physical affection. It opens me up to my feelings

  • * I like a good discussion but not a confrontation

  • * Let me know you like what I've done or said

  • * Laugh with me and share in my enjoyment of life




What I Like About Being an Audrey

  • * being nonjudgmental and accepting

  • * caring for and being concerned about others

  • * being able to relax and have a good time

  • * knowing that most people enjoy my company; I'm easy to be around

  • * my ability to see many different sides of an issue and to be a good mediator and facilitator

  • * my heightened awareness of sensations, aesthetics, and the here and now

  • * being able to go with the flow and feel one with the universe




What's Hard About Being an Audrey

  • * being judged and misunderstood for being placid and/or indecisive

  • * being critical of myself for lacking initiative and discipline

  • * being too sensitive to criticism; taking every raised eyebrow and twitch of the mouth personally

  • * being confused about what I really want

  • * caring too much about what others will think of me

  • * not being listened to or taken seriously




Audreys as Children Often

  • * feel ignored and that their wants, opinions, and feelings are unimportant

  • * tune out a lot, especially when others argue

  • * are "good" children: deny anger or keep it to themselves




Audreys as Parents

  • * are supportive, kind, and warm

  • * are sometimes overly permissive or nondirective



Take Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz
at HelloQuizzy


Paste this code into an HTML page:


Your result for Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz...

You Are an Audrey!

mm.audrey_.jpg


You are an Audrey -- "I am at peace"



Audreys are receptive, good-natured, and supportive. They seek union with others and the world around them.


How to Get Along with Me



  • * If you want me to do something, how you ask is important. I especially don't like expectations or pressure

  • * I like to listen and to be of service, but don't take advantage of this

  • * Listen until I finish speaking, even though I meander a bit

  • * Give me time to finish things and make decisions. It's OK to nudge me gently and nonjudgmentally

  • * Ask me questions to help me get clear

  • * Tell me when you like how I look. I'm not averse to flattery

  • * Hug me, show physical affection. It opens me up to my feelings

  • * I like a good discussion but not a confrontation

  • * Let me know you like what I've done or said

  • * Laugh with me and share in my enjoyment of life




What I Like About Being an Audrey

  • * being nonjudgmental and accepting

  • * caring for and being concerned about others

  • * being able to relax and have a good time

  • * knowing that most people enjoy my company; I'm easy to be around

  • * my ability to see many different sides of an issue and to be a good mediator and facilitator

  • * my heightened awareness of sensations, aesthetics, and the here and now

  • * being able to go with the flow and feel one with the universe




What's Hard About Being an Audrey

  • * being judged and misunderstood for being placid and/or indecisive

  • * being critical of myself for lacking initiative and discipline

  • * being too sensitive to criticism; taking every raised eyebrow and twitch of the mouth personally

  • * being confused about what I really want

  • * caring too much about what others will think of me

  • * not being listened to or taken seriously




Audreys as Children Often

  • * feel ignored and that their wants, opinions, and feelings are unimportant

  • * tune out a lot, especially when others argue

  • * are "good" children: deny anger or keep it to themselves




Audreys as Parents

  • * are supportive, kind, and warm

  • * are sometimes overly permissive or nondirective



Take Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz
at HelloQuizzy


Paste this code into a BBC:

[i]
Your result for Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz... [/i][url=http://www.helloquizzy.com/tests//results/are-you-a-jackie-or-a-marilyn-or-someone-else-mad-menera-female-icon-quiz/?fromCGI=1&var_ABC=2&var_XYZ=1][b]You Are an Audrey![/b][/url][i]mm.audrey_.jpg

[/i][url=http://www.helloquizzy.com/tests/are-you-a-jackie-or-a-marilyn-or-someone-else-mad-menera-female-icon-quiz]Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz[/url] at [url=http://www.helloquizzy.com][b][color=#ac000c]H[/color][color=#131313]ello[/color][color=#ac000c]Q[/color][color=#131313]uizzy[/color][/b][/url]
... to share the news "You Are an Audrey!"

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re: I Am The Shit!! I FEEL THIS WAY

ooooooo i'm in on this challenge

but i wanna comment on:
"ugh, your nose is so fat" or "eww, you just look bad today" "you have no ass and you're so skinny, yet you have a stretch marked gut" (lmaoo, I just had to laugh at that) but yea.. I and I'm sure a lot of other people just say a million things negative about themselves so i wanted to do a challenge..

i have NEVER looked in the mirror and SAID aloud to myself these negative things . but i have looked in the mirror and felt bad about what i saw.

so i changed it!
simply put.

there were things like my hair looking a mess (so i get it done), my skin not being even ( so i use cream to even it out and i use a pretty foundation until it all is) i want to loose a few pounds (so i go to the gym) and the things that i cant chnge (sggy boobies, stretch marks, facial structure ie ur nose ect) i pray tp ACCEPT those things. cause it's the only one i got. i pray that i change my point of veiw on them. i pray that i focuse on what my body has done for me.yes, my belly has stretch marks but it stretched to conform and confortably fit and house a beautiful lil girl. the saggy boobies sag because they nourished a beautiful lil girl and made her happy and strong. god made our bodies do what they do for a reason. count it a privledge.

and if none of this helps......i dont know if it matters that i think ur a rockin hot sexy beast....i'd tap dat ass! lmaoooooooo

Sam's Blog: I Am The Shit

so, once again I was on my natural hair site and I was reading one of the posts from a member. In this post she said that she had applied for this position at some company five times and got turned down. She ended the post by saying that she was a loser. Other members chimed in and said that she wasn't a loser and it just made me think for a minute. Why is it so easy to say bad things about ourselves and give ourselves bad labels? we say things like; I can't do it, I'll never be good enough, I suck, I'm a failure. I've said this to myself many times. I look in the mirror and I go "ugh, your nose is so fat" or "eww, you just look bad today" "you have no ass and you're so skinny, yet you have a stretch marked gut" (lmaoo, I just had to laugh at that) but yea.. I and I'm sure a lot of other people just say a million things negative about themselves so i wanted to do a challenge..

the "I am the shit (not because I stink, I smell good as hell)" challenge ..
basically I'm trying to create a whole new positive mind frame in 09 and beyond and I heard it takes 28 days to form a habit so for the next 28 and beyond I am going to replace every negative thought I have with a positive thought and whenever I remember I will tell myself that I am beautiful and smart and I am a good person..

credits to
http://loveofonesself.blogspot.com/2008/12/i-am-shit.html

Sunday, December 21, 2008

What I Went Through This Summer: COMMING CLEAN

ok so this summer and basically for the past 6 mos or so i have been really struggling with some personal issues and one of them being my hair. i am not afraid to share this part of my life with u all because i feel as though i have triumphed over it and i feel much better now. but being a new mom and having a TOTALLY new life then what i am used to really took it's tole on me and my appearence. i would set goals for myself and not accomplish them therfore feeling like a failure and not wanting to document that i DIDNT. but i feel as though if i humble share my life and my triumphs with whomever may come accross my lil blog i may impact him/ her somehow. after all isnt this the whole premise of BOTH of my blogs?? so we will take a small journey back 6 mos and i will update u on my natural hair hurt, pain, and undieing LOVE!!

after i had my daughter , i began to feel really down on myself. feeling unpretty, sad and generally ill. it wasnt a good time for me. so in my post pardum frenzzy i PERMED MY HAIR!! i was feeling like i wanted to feel pretty. and i just looked and felt really DRY and ugly to myself with my natural hair. the perm lasted for 2 weeks. because during that two weeks i thought of and hated what i had become. i hated my mindset. i thought i had grown as a natural women. i thought that after 4 years of being 100% natural that i had grown past the twisted mentality that permed hair = beauty. and that i would be attractive to my fiancee and myself if i had permed hair. now, no, i am in no way AGAINST perms. i am not the natural that bashes and hates permed women. i hate the MENTALITY of MOST permed women and most black people in america. the mentality that permed or straight hair = beauty, being attractive , and you feeling sexy. if u feel as though : " my natural hair is BEAUTIFUL and i am just as beautiful with my natural hair as i am with my permed hair but i CHOOSE to get a perm because it is my PERSONAL PREFFERENCE." but there is something wrong if u do not feel as if having permed hair is just ur PREFERENCE and THAT it is just as beautiful as permed hair. and this is what i was struggling with post giving birth. it never showed its UGLY face until after i had my daughter. i was going through a lot of confidence and self esteem issues. so it took me having to perm my hair and feeling/ thinking/ LITERALLY screaming "WHAT HAVE I DONE to myself!!!" for me to realize that permed hair was not the answer for me EVER agin in LIFE. I HATED IT! i wanted nothing more then to feel ME again and to fall in love with WHO I AM NATURALLY. i had to stay tru to myself and i realized that for me, my confidence and self esteem issues went much deeper then just having PERMED HAIR. it was that i needed to convince MYSELF that i AM beautiful. i am beautiful TO ME! and it LITERALLY doesnt matter what ANYONE says, feels, or thinks of me. and yes it took me 23 years to realize this. i was feeling unattractive to my fiance devin. and after i permed my hair he said to me "i never told you to perm your hair and i do think ur pretty.blah blah blah...some more stuff." but at the end of the day it didnt take him SAYING "i dont think you are pretty keshai." cause he NEVER did. i dont see him admiring natural women. when i ask him if he thinks a natural women is pretty it's ALWAYS " no! her hair looks like SHIT!" or some other ignorant crap. but he is attracted to permed women. he has told me that he doesnt like natural hair. and things like that fucked with my confidence. because i was natural and ALREADY feeling ugly post pardum. so i felt like "how can he be attracted to me if i have what he hates??" so i began to absorb his twisted mindset and the mindsets of most blacks in america. so in the 6 mo after kira's birth my twisted self esteem, confidence and mental condition began to eat away and dwindle at the reasons y i was natural, it ate away at the reason y i was a queen and BEAUTIFUL to myself and had felt fine for so many years as a natural. i didnt believe it anymore. so i back tracked into thinking that if i permed my hair i would become beautiful to him and to myself. he would look at me and see my hair and think i was JUST AS PRETTY/ MORE BEAUTIFUL then the women walking down the street or on the tv screen. i was so so so wrong! i realized that i had problems. that if i let a man and society control me and my mental state to the point that i would back track into something i HATED I HAD ISSUES FAR GREATER THEN JUST HAIR! and far greater then HIS ignorance:
1. being my confidence and self esteem. no matter what any man ,women, kid or WHOMEVER says or thinks it needed to stay in tact and strong. kat williams put it comically and ever so lightly when he said : (in a high pitched female voice) "u fucked with my self esteem." " BITCH! how i fuck with YOUR self esteem?? that aint got nothing to do with ME. IT'S THE ESTEEM of YOUR mutha fuckin SELF!!! How i fuck with how YOU feel ABOUT YOU?!?!" how true he is!
2. being sted fast and STRONG in MY beliefs. come WHATEVER, hell or high waters. i believe what i want and hold true to my values.

so i knew i needed to self medicate. self love. first i did research again on natural hair and its care, it beauty and reasons y it's the better choice for me. i looked up pics of pretty styles and did all the things i did when i went natural 4 years ago that helped to develop my love of natural hair in the first place. then i began to take better care of me. i mean how can i take care of poots if i dont take care of me first?? so thats what i was dealing with these past few months far as my hair is concerned. along with general issues of dealing with anger, depression, and problems in my life that would rise. but i am getting better now. and have decided to pick back up where i left off far as documenting this hair thing i looove
I plan on getting my hair done again at that shop DREDZ n HEADZ (hope i spelled it right) it is finally long enough for me to be able to cornrow and get a weave. i cant just cornrow it and leave it cause it will still look fuzzy but i can cornrow it and put a weave over top. i am excited about this!! While my weave is in (which, by the way, i plan on redoing every month- month and a half) i will be following using this growth oil as a scalp nourisher and growth aid http://myhairmonologue.blogspot.com/search/label/Moe%27s%20Hair%20Growth%20Oil
http://www.nappturality.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=118226

MOE GROW: ALL CREDITS DUE TO MOE OF NAPPTURALITY.COM
http://public.fotki.com/newmoe1/hair-growth-challenge-/

NEED
1. jojoba oil
2. horsetail grass
3. aloe vera gel
4. my weave

I WILL BE
1.getting a weave
2.using this growth oil
i have been finally able to do SOMETHING with my hair with it FINALLY getting some length to it. so over the Thanks Giving Holiday i went to a natural hair care salon here in Baltimore( http://www.dreadznheadz.com/ ) i had been wanting to try this salon for sooooo long. and when i finally did and i walked in the place i was like "oh?? this is it??". not to be condensending to them or thier shop because the stylist do wonderful hair , i was taken aback by the look of the shop. i dont know. this salon is responsible for almost all if not ALL of the natural hair events and what nots that happen around the baltimore/ washington area. however i had never had my hair done in this shop prior to this day. when i walked in it looked like a regular hum drum salon. i was expecting something sooo much more grand and just BETTER. i mean...my mothers two salons look WAY better then this. well, that was just the appearence. at any rate they do great hair. lmaooo i guess thats y they have the rep they do here in baltimore. when i walked in i hopping to get one style but upon my consultation with the shop owner she told me that i would be unable to get that particular style i wanted because my hair was "too long" for it. she said i could either get cornrows or comb coils. well i immediately opted for the cornrows because i have personally always been put off by comb coils. i mean they look great on other people but i never thought I would look right with them. so i go buy cornrow hair and the stylist begins them but after she finnishes one or two she stopped and said "i dont want you to be dissapointed by the condition of these braids when i get done, but they dont look right. your hair is too short and they are a lil fuzzy. i dont feel confortable with doing something i am not pleased with and that i know u wont be also. the problem is, is that you are at a really dumb point in your hair growth where your options are kind of limited. and it's too short to many styles but too long to do others. right now ur best bet is the comb coils. you should be able to do much more, including cornrows in abouuuuut another month of growth" i was annoyed , but what could i do and i wasnt walking out of that shop without my hair in some sort of style. so i said "yes" to the comb coils and prayed that i would like them. AND I LOOOOVED THEM:


They were soooooo cute. they look good. only thing is that she used beeswax in them to make them stay and of coarse that was hell washing out and it didnt make them last very long. as a matter of fat that was my problem with this style it diesnt last long and she used beeswax. so needless to say i will NOT be getting them again. but i WILL be going to that shop again. i like the conversation and how i was treated in general there. i gotta say though, going in my expectations were not rel high for this place. but i was pleasently surprised. GOOD JOB!
sorry to all (the two people) that read my hair and health blog. lmaoo. but ok so my hair has grown in the past few months that i havnt really posted. i actually have a new regimen that had REALLY helped my edges come in and it helped my hair get to the length i wanted it to be by the beginning of the year:
DAILY
1. i co wash in the shower with a mix of conditioner and oil. And put a plastic shower cap over it all and let it sit while i shower.
- my oil spray bottle contains: jojoba oil, rosemary oil, tea tree oil and
coconut oil
i belive that this oil mix could be the one and only reason y i have seen SUCH a increase in the genral health, appearence and growth of my hair, especilly my edges.

2. After my shower: I moisturize with The Taliah Wajid moisturizer (see below in product review)

3. in the morning (or at least once a day) i moisturize with pure shea butter.
WEEKLY:
I FINALLY bought a heat cap for my handheld dryer. i have wanted one of these since i became NATURAL. it was like 10.00 or something. idk, when i wanted one sooo bad they were hella expensive like 30.00 plus. but when i stop paying attention to it the price goes down. anyways:

1. I deep condition with heat cap and Henna n Placenta conditioner. it does really good!

BI WEEKLY:

1. Shampoo and Condition with Jason's shampoo and conditioner

Saturday, December 20, 2008

He didnt get his pay check...but check how i handled myself

i am so proud of how i handled myself and that i didnt allow myself to get angry and all worked up. so devin was supposed to get payed this weekend and well he didnt. nobody communicated anything with him and he didnt ask any questions. now, i still get mad when i think about it so i wont get into the details because i dont want to disrespect him on the world wide web. but what i proud of is how i delt with it. understand i was looking farward to that money because i had things to do. i wanna get my hair done, pay some bills ect. and the the fact that he didnt ASK about it irritated me even more and how noncelant he is about the whole matter. but i kept my cool. i remained calm for MY OWN peace and health. personal growth is great.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Just Writting

WEll i am happy to report that we are all (but especially poots) FINALLY feeling better. i am unhappy to report however....that we are still not unpacked. and i am working the next like 10 days in a row. it sucks cause i get two-three hours of sleep a day. because i can only catch a wink when poots finally decides SHE wants to nap. so i load on coffee all night while at work. lmaoooo so all day she is hopping around, eattin stuff, ect. it aint so cute no more cause my ass is sleepy. but what do u do. speaking of her she has two little teeth comming in. THEY ARE SOOO CUTE!! they look like tic tacs. i wish i could kiss them. FINALLY they are here. i was beginning to wonder about that. i was thinking "mmm she's almost a year old and she still doesnt have any teeth or hair." but now look at her tic tacs comming through! i did love the gums though. and her breathe is always so fresh and sweet smelling. i'm going to miss that when she gets older and all the teeth start to come in. anyways, i worked out tonight. and let me tell u, i feel so good. i hit the shower when i was done and the whole experience was just GREAT. i would like to buy a tredmill for the home so i can run when i catch a minute. but i am going to start to work out now more often then not. no matter what, even if i'm sleepy. it just feels too good afterwards.

this weekend i have to work but i plan on getting my hair done and devin's grandma is having a party, so he wants to go there. whatev...long as i get my hair done i dont care what we do. lmaoooo.

i feel bad because not to long ago Aerica hit poots cause she was getting into something she aint have no business. i was there, but i didnt see poots getting into whatever it was she was doing. so me, aerica, devin and poots are all in the room together. poots gets into whatever and aerica hits her. well i always told myself and devin that i never wanted anyone eles hitting poots but us (devin and i). so i went and grabbed poots and devin said to me "if you dont want aerica hitting her just tell her." and i am soooo mad at myself because i didnt. i said nothing to her. and at that time my reasoning was because i just didnt feel like no drama, no hurt feelings, no misundestanding, ect ect that goes along with everytime i bring something to thier attention that bothers me. on top of that i aint feel like hearing aerica fuss. idk if she would have FOR SURE, but i didnt want to take that chance. because it has happened so many times in the past. so i have reason to feel y i do. but i am soooo angry with myself because i should have stood up to her regaurdless of rather or not i felt she was gonna fuss, get offended whatever. i should have done it for poots. i feel like crying because i didnt defend my child when i always said that i would. i let someone eles spank her and get away with it because i didnt want to offend her. well FUCK that, what about how SHE offended me?? so i know i still have work to do with myself. not feeling intimidated especially when it comes down to my child. there is no excuse for what i did. i feel terrible. but on top of all that i told devin how i felt and y i didnt say anything to aerica and i felt like he should have said something to her for me then. i mean it was a agreement that we BOTH made not to allow anyone eles to spank poots but us. so if i felt intimidated as a women, shouldnt he have stepped up and said something to aerica for BOTH me and poots and HIM??? y was it left in my hands?? mmmmmmm...


and my world just keeps spinning. like a tornado. spin, spin, spin

Friday, December 12, 2008

So I Dont Understand

How is it that MY vehicle was parked and hit and yet i am the one with a family and on the bus stop in the cold rain at nine o clock at night waiting on the 44 bus, which runs like shit might i add. i am now sick. i am sooo mad. this shit is soooo fuckin unfair. what if my baby has a asthma attack? how am i supposed to get groceries? i hate this shit. so unfair. but i bet that wench that hit me has her car, she prolly riding around right now. but i'm the one on the bus stop til who knows when. but i told myself earlier this week that i aim not going to cry. i am not going to cry. i will be strong. i have yet to cry about my situation. that i am still paying money for a car that i do not have, that i dont have a car due to something that is not my fault. i am calling everyone in this situation tommorrow and cussin some mother fuckers out!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

This Weekend

i am looking sooo farward to looking one way this weekend and doing absolutly NOTHING. this friday i need to go grocery shopping and focus on unpacking more. other then that i just wanna lay around a nd sleep. i cought devin and poots cold. im worried cause poots is never gonna get better with EVERYBODY in the damn house sick. well, imma focus on making my family well. make some home made chicken noodle soup. mmm...that sounds good. poots loooove chicken soup. lol.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Well We're All Moved In

And i had written a really long blog on my sidekick but it didnt post for some reason and becasue of that i got really discouraged and therefore havnt made any updates. i will just highlight the important parts. soooooo much has been going on. on friday i was finally done with packing for the most part.and saturday we moved in. poots has been sick with a cold these past few days and she had a temp a couple days ago. we had to take her to the er yesturday morning because i called her dr because of her cold. she sneezed and boogies came up with blood in it. that concerned me so i called the dr. but while the dr. was on the phone she could hear poots in the backgroud coughing really hard and said that i need to take her to the emergency room because she is coughing too hard. so we did that and we stayed there allll day. the dr in the er said that her cold gave her a ear infection and this cold COULD be the beginnings of asthma for her. (devin has it) so they gave me a baby asthma inhailer for her and did some traetments with this misty medicine. aughhhh it was just a really stressfull past couple days. i have hated it. but the move is over so i can concentrate on her now.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Today: 11/3 Moving News

today i was able to get quit a bit done far as packing is concerned. what made it easier id that we decided to throw EVERYTHINg away that we do not currently wear and to just start all over again when we get into the new house. that made the load sooooo much easier. less clothse and crap to deal with. i just packed three big bags of clothse. and i have two big bens from Walmart that i will use to put more clothse in. once those two are full of clothse i am throwing the rest away. that will be soo much off my mind. i got the keys for the new apartment today. in the morning i will drop my first car load off. i plan on taking the little things one car load at a time until saturday. which is the big move day. speaking of cars. i hate this tiny as rental. it has noooooo trunk space or anything like that. i wonder when my car will be ready. yes, it still isnt fixed yet from like two mos ago when that dumb ass lady hit it. and my insurance company is trying to say that the accident didnt cause my gear box not to work and not to shift. i am sooo mad. i had just pulled into my parking spot 10 minutes b4 it was hit. and it was PARKED, i wasnt in it. how can ANYTHING possibly be my fault?? this world is soo sooo stank and i hate it. what the fuck is the point in paying 200 dollars for insurnce a month if when the shit gets hit you still can get it fixed. i hate this world. full of nothing but crooks and fools. i'm mad because i still have to pay that truck off rather i have it or not, rather it's fixed or not. i wonder where the bus stop and all is at my new house. i hope i only have to take one. like i did in my old apartment. that worked out great cause for a while i didnt have a car and the bus stop was a ten minute walk away. well, in this apartment we live a lil closer to the hospital. not much but it's better.

so today 11/2 :moving news

i went looking for boxes today. *sigh* i only found three. but not to dismay....the person in the store i found the three boxes in told me about another store that has bixes in the mornings. so i will go there in the morning when i get off. it's sooo hard to get anything packed or taken care of during the day until devin gets home from work. after 8:30. then i have to get ready for work at 10:00p.m. so i only have like a hour to do anything really.

Monday, December 1, 2008

We're Moving This Week

and i am sooo excited. i am determined to document my feelings this week. of stress and excitment. mmmm...not a good emotional combination topped with sleeplessness. i feel like a tight bottle of shaken soda. so tense, and ready to pop. lol. once it is all over with i know i will feel better. but i have to contend with not having any money, not having any gas, having to wake up to take devin and pick him up from work, packing,finding boxes, cleaning, and getting this bitch ass situation with my car straightened out. now the insurance company is trying to say that my gear box not working is not due to the accident. it was FINE 10 minutes before it was hit when i parked the shit. i get so mad! this is suuuch a crooket world.

at any rate we have a lil over a half tank of gas and in the morning i need to find boxes from somewhere. i have decided to do this a lil at a time and move the bedroom set lastly.

so devin told me that his family thinks i always have my mouth in thier business. that somethings they discuss needs to be kept in the family and not discussed with me. i thought i was apart of the family at this point. it hurt my feelings. basically they say not to tell me anything because i am nosey. i am soooo hurt. he said that keith and felicia say that i am always in thier relationship. WHAT?! i never even call them, and whenever we talk it's because of them calling me.

i am just soooo tired of always being the bad guy with these people. so tired. i have decided that since i am not part of thier family and obviously i never will be i wont try to be a part of it any more. no more dinners, no more going over there. none of that. no phone calls. i will let them be with poots and thats it. im tired of trying with futile efforts to mesh with these folks and having my feelings stepped on. fuck it, im done

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Just Bloggin





so i ave nothing in particular to write about. lol. poots is getting soooo big. i love her. i bought her shoes for this winter. tennis and boots. its sooooo cute. the other day we went to the park for the first time.it was soooo much fun even though it was cold. auhhhh! i hate the cold. this is poots first winter. i keep her bundled up.
so today im working the day shift for the first time in years. so far so good. poots is with her aunt Aerica. i miss her. i have her pink mittens with me. Aerica told me that she's doing good and not fussing. she said she was playing with Devin's piano and she took a nap. i cant wait to get her. now she standing up on her own. and drinking from her sippy cup.mmmm...she's growing up so nicely and wants to be a big girl sooo bad. i wish she'd stop. but it's ok. i am enjoying watching her.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

I Fall Back

So i have officially decided that fall is my favorite time of year. it's so beautiful and perfect. the red trees i think are my favorite part of it all. this year is especially meaningful to me beings though i am ending the best summer of my life. Potts was born right in MArch. Just in time for summer. And boy did she make it hottt! i had sooo much fun with this lil girl. i think back to fall a year ago. this time last year i was...about 5 mos pregnant..and just beginning to show. and now look at me and my poots. OMG! who would have thought. But this summer was so important for me. full of learning experiences and unparalleled happiness with her. lmaoooo. spending summer days in the grass. all that goodness.

mmm...another event that was profound this summer was this damn hair. aughhh! well it's finally growing and beginning to get somewhere. living with devin. all that made this summer quite eventful.

Now i have my family to look forward to cuddling up to this fall and winter. i bought poots like 10 new outfits to start off with this fall and winter. OMG! warm fleece material and stuff with hoodies and thick socks. i need to buy her hat, scarf and gloves. i dont have to be alone tis winter which makes my out look so much brighter.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

I wish i could live on a island: and this is ALL i need

i will be writting down my essentials in each catagory. i can only have 3-4 (no more then 4) items. there are days i sit and daydream for sooo long about life on my island. and the only perso i would need is my poots.these are the things i would have if i COULD ONLY have these things FOREVER

1.Hair Care:
-shea butter
-coconut oil
-Jason's natural gel

2.Vanity:
-comb
-mirror
-lipgloss

3.Food:
-collard greens (made how my mommy make them)
-watermelon
-pizza
-spahgetti (ahhhhhhh thats slick cause theres a lot of things in spahgetti)

4.Clothse:
-panties
-dresses
-a long, thick, hooded shaw (if it gets chilly at night. my island would never do more then just get a little chilly at night. just enough for me to have my big bear blanket and my shaw at night. my island would always have nice wheather. never them tropical storms n shit. maybe just a little rain every so often)
-flip flops

5.Protection:
-water proof two section tent. (not able to be blown away)
-a good knife that never goes dull

6. In My Tent I Need:
- a blow up matress (i like those things)
-small portable light
-a single eye stove ( u know the cute little one)
-my big bear blanket

7.Entertainment:
-my internet accessable laptop (lmaooo)
-my infinate playlist i pod
-infinate amount of books and reading material(so i can teach and educate poots)
-1 peice of exercise equipment. ( preff. a treadmil)

8.Important Needs
-clean drinking water
-something to make fire with for forever
-soap

9.The ONE Person To Share My Island With:
- AKIRA (aka POOTS) my daughter

10. Things I Would Need For Her
- reusable diapers
-warm shaw

i would primarily make her clothse for her as she grows. but in the beginning for the most part she'd just wear her diaper. lmaooooo. and YES I AM BORED! hence this rediculous blog. but u dont know how much stress i have relieved simply from day dreaming about this island. with noone eles on it. but me and my poots. i would be so happy. we would just read/ learn, and play alllll day. her and i. doing one another's hair, playing in the water, letting the sun toast our skin. oh yea...and my island is in fiji or hawaii. depends on where i feel like going that day. lmaoooo. she's only person i could see doing anything like this with.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

MY ATTACHMENT PARENTING

Attachment parenting, a phrase coined by pediatrician William Sears,[1] is a parenting philosophy based on the principles of the attachment theory in developmental psychology. According to attachment theory, a strong emotional bond with parents during childhood, also known as a secure attachment, is a precursor of secure, empathic relationships in adulthood. Failure to form this early childhood parental bond will ostensibly give rise to reactive attachment disorder.

Many proponents of attachment parenting as conceived by Sears seek to distance themselves from the attachment parenting that is sometimes used as an adjunct to attachment therapy[2].

Contents [hide]
1 History
2 Eight principles of attachment parenting
3 Childcare
4 Examples to help parents and caregivers create healthy attachments with infants
5 Discipline
6 Criticisms
7 See also
8 References
8.1 Footnotes
9 External links



[edit] History
Attachment theory, originally proposed by John Bowlby, states that the infant has a tendency to seek closeness to another person and feel secure when that person is present. Bowlby had earlier proposed in his maternal deprivation hypothesis published in 1951 that maternal deprivation would not only cause depression in children, but also acute conflict and hostility, decreasing their ability to form healthy relationships in adult life.[3][4]

In comparison, Sigmund Freud proposed that attachment was a consequence of the need to satisfy various drives. In attachment theory, attachment is considered a biological system and children are naturally attached to their parents because they are social beings, not just because they need other people to satisfy drives.

Developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth devised a procedure, called The Strange Situation, to observe attachment relationships between a human caregiver and child. She observed disruptions to the parent/child attachment over a 20 minute period, and noted that this affected the child's exploration and behavior toward the mother. This operationalization of attachment has recently come under question, as it may not be a valid measure for infants that do not experience distress upon initial encounter with a stranger.[5]

According to Attachment Parenting International (API) there are 8 principles that foster healthy (secure) attachment between the caretaker and infant. While none of these principles are derived directly from original attachment research, they are presented as parenting practices that can lead to "attunement", "consistent and sensitve responsiveness" and "physical and emotional availability" that research has found to be key factors in secure attachment.


[edit] Eight principles of attachment parenting
Per Dr. Sears' theory of attachment parenting (AP), proponents such as the API attempt to foster a secure bond with their children by promoting eight principles which are identified as goals for parents to strive for. These eight principles are:

Preparation for Pregnancy, Birth and Parenting
Feed with Love and Respect
Respond with Sensitivity
Use Nurturing Touch
Engage in Nighttime Parenting
Provide Consistent Loving Care
Practice Positive Discipline
Strive for Balance in Personal and Family Life
These values are interpreted in a variety of ways. Many attachment parents also choose to live a natural family living (NFL) lifestyle, such as natural childbirth, home birth, stay-at-home parenting, co-sleeping, breastfeeding, babywearing, homeschooling, unschooling, the anti-circumcision movement, the anti-vaccination movement, natural health, cooperative movements, and support of organic food.

However, Dr. Sears does not require a parent to strictly follow any set of rules, instead encouraging parents to be creative in responding to their child's needs. Attachment parenting, outside the guise of Dr. Sears, focuses on responses that support secure attachments.


[edit] Childcare
Attachment parenting proponents value secure attachment between children and a primary caregiver, preferably a parent or guardian. Secure primary or secondary attachments may also be formed with other caregiving adults and should be supported by the parents.

Even when engaging non-parental caregivers, Attachment Parents strive to maintain healthy, secure attachments with their children. AP-friendly childcare is a continuation of the nurturing care given by the parents and focuses on meeting the child's needs. Attachment Parents typically work to make caregiving arrangements that are sensitive to the child while balancing their own needs as well.


[edit] Examples to help parents and caregivers create healthy attachments with infants
According to the psychoanalyst, Erick Erickson, there are eight stages of social-emotional development across a lifespan. Each stage has a conflict, which needs to be worked through and a functional balance should be achieved in order to have a healthy development. The first stage of psychosocial development is trust vs. mistrust, which occurs during infancy.

According to Gonzales-Mena and Eyer,[6] an infant establishes trust through a process of establishing a secure attachment with a parent or caregiver. In order for an infant to develop trusting relationships, the infant must receive consistent and attentive and appropriate care from the same parent or caregiver. The infant will develop a healthy, secure, and satisfying attachment when he or she is receiving consistent and attentive and appropriate care from the same parent or caregiver. A caregiver or parent must satisfy all of the infant's physical, emotional, psychological, cognitive, and social needs.[7]

According to Ronald (1990) a caregiver or parent's job is defined as the following: helping a child feel accepted, assisting children in learning to communicate and get along with others, and encouraging feelings of empathy and respect amongst children and adults.

According to Magda Gerber and Allison Johnson (1998), in order for caregivers or parents to teach infants how to respect themselves and others, it is important for caregivers and parents to respect the infants the same way they would respect an adult or older child. Magda Gerber and Allison Johnson (1998) believed infants need to receive respect from their caregivers in order to develop trust and attachment. Attachment and trust are built through interaction. The interaction between the adult and infant should be respectful, reciprocal, and responsive. The caregiver or parent should interact with the child physically and emotionally. When a caregiver or parent is performing daily routines with the infant, the parent or caregiver should interact with the infant and spend quality time with the infant. Caregivers and parents should treat the infant like a competent human being by communicating with the infant, following the infant's lead and responding to the infant's gestures or reactions. The caregiver or parent should include the infant in the diapering, grooming and feeding routines. For instance, when a parent is changing an infant's diaper, the parent should talk to the infant. The parent should explain to the infant what he or she is doing. When a parent is dressing an infant, the parent can explain to the infant what he or she is doing. Caregivers or parents should not rush the infant when they are performing these routines.[8]

In order for infants to establish trust and develop an attachment with a caregiver or parent, the infants should be trusted by caregivers and parents. According to Magda Gerber and Allison Johnson(1998), infants establish trust with a parent or caregiver when the parent and caregiver gives them the freedom to actively explore their environment with limited restrictions and boundaries. According to Eric Erickson, an infant who develops a healthy balance of trust vs. mistrust, will have an easier time developing an autonomy, which is the next stage of socio-emotional development. According to Magda Gerber and Allison Johnson (1998), it is important for caregivers and parents to use every opportunity as a learning opportunity for infants. Daily routines are windows of opportunities for parents and caregivers to help infants and caregivers establish trust and build attachment with infants.


[edit] Discipline
Attachment parents seek to understand the biological and psychological needs of the children, and to avoid unrealistic expectations of child behavior. In setting boundaries and limits that are appropriate to the age of the child, attachment parenting takes into account the physical and psychological stage of development that the child is currently experiencing. In this way, parents may seek to avoid the frustration that occurs when they expect things beyond their child's capability. According to Arnall, (2007) discipline means to teach the child by gentle guidance, such as re-direction, natural consequences, listening and modelling, and not by punitive means such as spanking, time-out, grounding and punitive consequences.

Attachment parenting holds that it is of vital importance to the survival of the child that he be capable of communicating his needs to the adults and having those needs promptly met. Dr. Sears advises that, while still an infant, the child is mentally incapable of outright manipulation. Unmet needs are believed, by Dr. Sears and other AP proponents, to surface beginning immediately in attempts to fulfill that which was left unmet. AP looks at child development as well as infant and child biology to determine the psychologically and biologically appropriate response at different stages. Attachment parenting does not mean meeting a need that a child can fulfill himself. It means understanding what the needs are, when they arise, how they change over time and circumstances, and being flexible in devising ways to respond appropriately. Also their job is to come up with ideas of things to do for their children.

Similar practices are called natural parenting, instinctive parenting, intuitive parenting, immersion parenting or "continuum concept" parenting.


[edit] Criticisms
One criticism of attachment parenting is that it can be very strenuous and demanding on parents. Without a support network of helpful friends or family, the work of parenting can be difficult. Writer Judith Warner contends that a “culture of total motherhood”, which she blames in part on attachment parenting, has led to an “age of anxiety” for mothers in modern American society.[9] Sociologist Sharon Hays argues that the "ideology of intensive mothering" imposes unrealistic obligations and perpetuates a "double shift" life for working women.[10]

Another criticism is that there is no conclusive or convincing body of research, aside from testimonials from participating parents, that shows this labor-intensive approach to be in any way superior to what attachment parents term "mainstream parenting" in the long run.[11]

The American Academy of Pediatrics has recently amended its policy statement regarding SIDS prevention, and has come out against sharing a bed with small babies (though it does encourage room-sharing).[12] The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission also warns against co-sleeping. [13] Attachment Parenting International issued a response which alleged the data referenced in the Consumer Product Safety Commission statement was unreliable, and that co-sponsors of the campaign had created a conflict of interest.[14]

Both the attachment parenting methodology based on Sears, and the related methodology based on attachment therapy are said to propagate a pseudoscientific definition of reactive attachment disorder. Attachment Parenting International (API) utilizes an attachment therapy resource (Peachtree Attachment Resources)[15] to define RAD, which claims the criteria is "based on the DSM-IV." This claim is false.



1.natural childbirth: aughhhh! i am so dissapointed in myself that i did not persue this more during my pregnancy with poots. i had a few conplications and i was thinking that i would not be able to do this. i have two very close friends of mine that have done natural births in birthing centers. it's so beautiful. i want to become a midwife.i so desprately want to do this for my second child. but i wonder if it's possible since i have already had a c-section. at the same time there is something inside of me that is greatful that i was in a hospital and hooked up to machines because it was visable that poots' heart rate was dropping and needed to be taken. i often wonder how that type of stuff is detected in a natural home birth.

2.home birth: idk about this. i guess i would just wonder about how sanitary everything is. and when i think of birthing centers and hospitals i automatically think "extra clean"


3.stay-at-home parenting: i am working hard at this. i want to be a stay at home mom by the time poots is at least in the first grade.

4.co-sleeping: YAY!! my poots stays with me every night and day. i remember sleeping my mom as a child. of course devin hates it. but he doesnt say anything to me. i'm glad about that. aughhhh! but i do know that he hinks she wont go to her own bed when she's older and that she will only want me. he says things like "i cant wait to put her in her own bed!" every so often. but not a lot.

5.breastfeeding: YAY!! i will breastfeed for as long as i want to! i dont feel that enough young, african american mom's breastfeed now a days. which really sucks because they are missing out on a precious bond and raising a "special" kind of child. i wonder if breastfeed humans exhibate different behaviors then no breastfed. i wonder if non breastfed people are more aggresive or something.

6.babywearing: YAY!! i love my baby sling. but i want to try the one by jelly bean. i picked it up in walmart but i dont like that are no leg holes in it. seems like she can slip out easy. i have to get a little more skilled at making my own.

7.homeschooling: YAY!! i teach my baby now. we sit and read. i sign to her, and we watch a little television in the morning. she like Clifford : The Big Red Dog. lol. Shhhhh...(i like him too) lmaooo. i hope to be done school by the time she is 4 no later then 6 so i can homeschool her academically. these schools are just getting worse and worse. i dont even want to think of what will be going on byt the time she gets there. boys will probably be raping younger and younger. girls

8.unschooling:i'm not sure what this is. i have to look up more info. i think it has a lot to do with undoing the traditional schooling and ideas

9.the anti-circumcision movement: ooooooo ouch! how can they think that this doesnt hurt!? just because they forget it eventually. Crap still hurts. thats like ripping some skin off and other body part but the pain is x's 10 because it's super sensitive.

10.the anti-vaccination movement: hmmmm again i need to do more researc. i have always gotten poots vaccinated because i was under the inpression she could become sick easier. i'll do the reaserch.

11.natural health: exercise, yoga, all that. i cant wait to become a natural health practitioner. i will be taking on line classes in the beginning of this comming year. that will be a nice outlet for me. hopefully all will go well

12.cooperative movements

13.support of organic food: i buy it. but i plan on growing my own

Monday, October 6, 2008

WORK OUT

i want to work out more. but i dont know how or when. i know i loooove to run. but when is my problem. when do i get to the gym? if there's a will there's a way. maybe i will just have to dawn my mace and jogg when i get home in the morning or in the evening when devin returns home from work. dare someone to mess with me! i will need to get a step tracker to keep track of my distance. i bought some running shoes this weekend. maybe i will focuse the morning on cardio and running and the evenings on crunches and strength training. but i really need to take better care of myself. and i believe running helps me feel good.

THIS WEEKEND: Victoria's Secret Foolery

so i walk into Victoria's Secret this weekend. So sick and tired of having grandma bras that do noting to flatter my rediculously hott shape. lol. it's so hard for me to find the right kind of bra for my body because i'm small around with really large boobs. this caused me so hurt and trauma as a youngster. mmm...i rememebr as a newly blooming teenager standing in the middle of the department store crying because i couldnt wear the bras i wanted and saw the other girls wearing. my mom wouldnt let me wear anything nice that say me up and had a push up and padding in it because she didnt want to draw unnecessary attention to them. well now i pay for not having the proper bra as a youth because they sag. and i would rather have small saggy boobs then big saggy boobs. but i digress. these are the boobs i have been given and these are the boobs that nurish and care for my child. so i stand in victoria's secrety mezmerised by the lace and colors. the assistand measures and andi am a 34 around and about a DD cup. well, we try on DD cup and i am still spilling out of that. aint this some shit? she tells me "well, i wasnt sure at first now i know u are about a 34 DDD. WTF?! DDD?! so ok, "well can i have this bra in 34 DDD?" "we dont go past DD.i would recommend u go to this place on Riesterstown rd called We Fit and get a custom made bra. your fit will be damn near impossible to find in retail stores because your body is so small around yet u have large breast." Excuse me Victoria Secret? Are you telling me that i am denied my right to wear lacy, sexy under wear because u dont want to go up that high?! i'm suein! lmaooooo. but i will not be deterred! somewhere on this earth there is sexy underwear for big boobs with small waist. maybe i will make aline. like the apple bottoms jeans. jeans cut for women with big butts and a small waist. at any rate i had half a mind to buy that too small bra anyways and stuff my boobs in it. but i thought "nah! lemme stop. before i walk out of here lookin two kinds of ghetto and tacky." true foolywang material!

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

THIS WEEKEND WILL NOT BE BLAHHH! the 3rd

THIS WEEKEND I WILL BE SNAPPIN MY FINGERS AND SLIDING TO THE SMALL SOULFUL GROOVES AT A LOCAL "NAPPY" HOUR OPEN MIC. MMM...I CANT WAIT. SOOO MUCH FUN. I'M GOING TO GET DRESSED UP AND SEXY AND HAVE FUN THIS SATURDAY!!LMAOOOO

NOTHING REALLY NEW SO FAR. THE SLICK IS ACTING UP AND I WANT TO BUY A NEW PHONE B4 IT COMPLETELY DIES. I REALLY LIKE THE SLICK THOUGH. BUT I HEARD THEY ARE KNOWN FOR F-ING UP AFTER A WHILE AND SO WILL BE DISCONTINUING

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

HE TOLD ME

TONIGHT THAT HE DOESNT WANT TO GET MARRIED UNTIL WE MAKE CHANGES IN OUR RELATIONSHIP. COOL. HE DOESNT LIKE MY FUSSINESS. AND I MUST ADMITT THAT IS THE BIGGEST THING I HAVE TO WORK ON MYSELF. IS CONTROLLING MY ANGER AND EMOTIONS. IT'S JUST THAT HE DOES OR SAYS THINGS THAT MAKE ME SO ANGRY AT TIMES. AND I GET SO OVERWHELMED WITH IT. AND REALLY ALL IT AMOUNTS TO IS HIM BEING DIFFERENT FROM EVERYONE. HE JUST MARCHES TO THE BEAT OF HIS OWN DRUM. AND THATS OK FOR HIM...JUST NOT ME ALL THE TIME. IDK HOW I EVEN FEEL RIGHT NOW. I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO CALM DOWN AND BREATHE. MEDITATE, JUST BE. IDK WHATS BEEN UP WITH ME LATELY BUT I NEED TO GET RID OF THIS ENERGY THAT I HAVE. THAT I HOLD ON TO, CARRY AROUND WITH ME AND THEN UNLEASH IT INTO THE WORLD LIKE A WHIRL WIND OF KEASHI HELL. LMAOOO. BUT NO. IT'S ALL BEGINNING TO COME TO A HEAD NOW. AND IT'S BEGINNING TO NOT JUST EFFECT ME BUT MY RELATIONSHIPS. MAYBE I NEED TO TALK TO A THERAPIST.

Monday, September 29, 2008

THIS WEEKEND BLAHH!! THE 2ND

THIS WEEKEND I WAS ANOTHER WAISTE. LMAOOO. IT WAS COOL THOUGH. I DIDNT DO anything BUT RELAX. I NEEDED IT THOUGH THIS WAS A DIFFICULT WEEK. TO TOP OFF THE SHIT WEEK I WAS HAVING ON THURSDAY DEVIN WAS FIRED FROM HIS JOB. BUT IT'S NOT TOO BAD BEINGS THOUGH THE JOB AT THE HOSPITAL CAME THROUGH FOR HIM. ITS JUST A MATTER OF WAITING FOR EVERYTHING TO GO THROUGH. YAY!!!

Sunday, September 28, 2008

My Days Are Better

These past few days have been much better. idk what was up with me this past week. but i'm glad it's over whatever it was.

Friday, September 26, 2008

EDUCATED YOUR CHILDREN!!! (watch this video)



This man needs to be killed! Tears are in my eyes as i write. and i was halfway ok up until the end when he talks about keeping your daughters in the house. HIts me hard. "dear lord in the heavens watch over my baby in this cruel cruel world, help her to be smart. teach me how to be the proper educator. to teach her how to be strong and....." i cant finnish my prayer.

I want to go to this OCT 3. FOR BALTIMORE NAPPIES!!!

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Wednesday, September 24, 2008

THIS WEEK I FEEL CRAPPY

and i dont ever remember feeling this way for so long, not even when i was pregnant. i never feel so down on myself. but i just feel a negtive energy following me. idk what it is but i feel scared, and ugly. this is terrible. what i'm thinking is that it may be time for me to do a detox of my system. because my house is clean and has been staying pretty clean lately so i dont know why i have been feeling so blah lately. it has to be my body. i mean literally i have been having nightmares, terrible violent thoughts, and anxiety. just scared and ugly. and i feel gulity for feeling this way because i have poots. i feel like she should be all i need to make me feel happy and fulfilled. but really it has nothing to do with her. its a personal battle. but i just feel like she shouldnt be exposed to this side of me. like even as i type now i'm crying. i'm sick of this shit. i sure hope i aint pregnant again. like earlier this evening i was watching t.v with devin and we were watching MAKING THE BAND . there was a scene in the show between Dawn and Que. he had gotten a hotel room and decked it all out with rose pedals, wine, and abubbles in the bath for her. then he sang YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL to her. and i started to cry! wtf? i just remember feeling this way when i was pregnant. i mean if i am....i cant say that i'm COMPLETELY opposed. i know. call me stupid. like with all the shit i already have going on in my life, including a baby already, i really need another. mmmm...

Monday, September 22, 2008

THIS WEEKEND....SO BLAHHH!

DO U KNOW I LITERALLY STAYED IN THE BED AND WAISTED A PERFECTLY GOOD WEEKEND? MMM...BUT I NEEDED IT. I HAVE BEEN WORKING HARD AND DOING MUCH SLEEPING SO I GUESS MY BODY WAS CRAVING A LIL R&R. MY CHECK WAS CRAPPY SO I WASN'T ABLE 2 DO MUCH GROCERY SHOPPING. BUT I DID GET A BIG CHICKEN AND I MADE CHICKEN SALAD WITH THAT. WE'LL HAVE CHICKEN N RICE THIS WEEK AND SPAHGETTI NEXT WEEK. WE SHOULD BE GOOD. I NEEDED TO STAY IN THE HOUSE THIS WEEKEND ANYWAYS TO SAVE GAS. DON'T HAVE MUCH MONEY FOR THAT THIS TIME AROUND EITHER. BLAHH! BUT IT AINT ALL BAD. I WAS ABLE TO BUY POOTS A FEW THINGS. TWO LITTLE TOYS AND A BOUNCEY THING. ITS HARD TO EXPLAIN BUT YOU HANG IT UP IN A DOORWAY AND PUT THE BABY IN IT AND THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BOUNCE AND SWING. POOTS DOES MORE SPINNING THEN ANYTHING IN IT THOUGH. LOL. SHE LOOKS SUPER CUTE AND FUNNY IN IT. BUT I FEEL GOOD ABOUT MY WEEKEND. MY HOUSE IS NICE AND CLEAN. I WOULD HAVE FELT PRETTY BAD ABOUT LAYING AROUND ALL WEEKEND IF MY HOUSE WAS A MESS ON TOP OF EVERYTHING. THERE IS SOMETHING SO ANNOYING ABOUT A PERSON LAYING AROUND ALL DAY AND THEIR IS A MESS. LMAOOOO. THE DEFINITION OF A LOOSER! LOL.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

IT'S LATER AFTER POOTS IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM

POOTS IS FINALLY SLEEP AND I STILL FEEL SO SAD INSIDE BUT A LOT MORE CALM. THE DR SAID SHE WAS FINE. BUT I WANTED HER TO HAVE A CAT SCAN OR SOMETHING FOR INTERNAL BRAIN INJURIES. INSTEAD THEY CHECKED HER PHYSICALLY AND CHECKED HER BEHAVIOR. THIS SILLY GOOSE ALL SMILING AND LAUGHING IN PEOPLE'S FACE. LMAOOOO. I WAS SO HAPPY SHE WAS. WE FOUND WERE THE BLOOD WAS COMMING FROM. THE INSIDE OF HER TOP LIP. YOU KNOW THAT THIN PIECE OF SKIN THAT CONNECTS THE TOP LIP TO THE GUM? WELL SHE HIT THAT. MMMM....POOR POOR BABY. I KNOW THAT HURTT!!!
BUT DO U WANT TO KNOW THE WORST FEELING? WHEN YOU FEAR SOMETHING HAPPENING TO YOUR CHILD. I USED TO SAY TO MYSELF ALL THE TIME "MMM I SURE DON'T EVER WANT HER TO FALL OFF THE BED . THAT WOULD HURT" I ALWAYS KEPT A CLOSE EYE ON HER FOR FEAR SHE WOULD FALLL. THEN THE FEAR BECAME A REALITY. AND I FEEL I SHOULD HAVE KEPT A WATCHFUL EYE . THE WORST FEELING IS FEELING LIKE I COULD HAVE AVOIDED HER DOING THE ONE THING I ABSOLUTLY DID NOT WANT HER TO DO. FALL.

OMG my worst fear happened today

I need anyone who reads this to please pardon any errors I may make in writting this. I decided to write while going through this to documents every feeling and emotion.

As I write I am sitting in the emergency room with my poots. My baby fell...she fell off MY bed! Its high and the floor is hard. She hit somehing on the dresser on her way down. The reason why I say "something" is because the weirdest thing happened. I saw blood. And as soon as I saw it, I didn't see it. Oh god, I was so scared. I feel so incredibly horrible because I NEVER fall asleep while she is awake for fear of something like this happening. Then my dumb ass flakes off to sleep by a miistake, like a dumb ass and well, here we are. In the emergency room for the first time.

My poor Poots. She cried sooo hard. I picked her up and there was blood. My nerves were so frazzled all I could think was dial 911. But when I got them on the line, just as soon as I saw the blood there was no more! But it was comming from her mouth when I saw it. Now nothing. So I told the 911 oporator nevermind. She was sweet. Ever so gently trying to calm me . But To no avail..I was done for. I called my mom next. And my hysteria had her hysterical. (Yea I inharitated a lot from her). She called Poots dr for me. Because I just couldn't pull it together. At this point poots is fine...lmaooo she's sooo incredibly gangsta. Literally she was acting her normal self. My mom told me to go to emergency room just to be sure. I had to calm down. I can't believe I did this all alone... so here I sit in the Franklin Sqaure Emergency room. Poots is looking fine. I just want to be sure she doesn't have any internal bleeding or anything. The fact that she was bleeding so quickly and then it was there anymore alarms me. Will write more later

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

TONGUE!!



She's been sticking her tongue out all day! it was so funny! just hilarious! lmaooooo. Good laughs!

mmmm,,,however..i think she's starting with this seperation anxiety thing. i dont know for sure. i have to look it up. but for the past week or so she's been in this mood. like she ONLY wants me. and if someone eles is holding her she cries and reaches for me. i mean its gotten to the point where i can hardly put her down to strap her in her car seat. i mean....dont get me wrong, i like it but i dont want ANYONE ELES to get offended. lmaooo. Thats my girlllll so i'd hold her all day and night if thats what she wants. as a matter of a fact i saw a new carrier for her. the one she has she's grown out of recently. well, TWO new carriers. i dont know which one i want so i think i may get both and just see how she likes them. My only concern with this new side of her is
1. why did it seem to happen so suddenly
2. will i somehow at this point 'spoil" her.
see i am not one to believe it is possible to spoil a infant, but she's getting to be a bit older now and acting like a "real person" (for lack of a better term). and i wonder if this is the point where i need to be a lil more firm with her. not letting her have everything she wants. i have to read a lil more info on it and talk with her dr.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Just Me Thinking n Writting

I was thinking this weekend about my Poots. I snaped a picture of her and i and looked at it. long and hard. i thought "mmm..i look and feel the exact same way as i have my whole life with the exception of having my poots." i look and see the same ol' Ki.i loook at her and think i dont deserve HER, her love. that she deserves so much more then just lil ol' me. she deserves some sort of super human, perfect mom. but i know i cant be perfect. so i concluded that i know i could never be perfect. but i will wake up praying every morning that i strive to be a better mother everyday. a better women everyday. because no matter what she gives me her love, her "round face" smiles and happiness to me.

this weekend was interesting, well first off i took a few days off of work because devin came down with Bronchitis and a flair up of his asthma. which aparently hasnt bothered him since he was a little boy. that was pretty stressful. but it was good because we got to take a few days off wirk together. but i'm back in this bitch now! i'm proud of him because he has a interview this week (tuesday). i hope everything works outs far as it is concerned. he will be able to have health insurance, and ect. and making about double what he is now! we went shopping for a new "interview outfit " for him today. his uncle Bret treated him to it. he said to me " my uncle bret supports me way more then my dad does. like my dad wouldnt have bought me these clothse ect" and i'm thinking thats cause ur people r weird.

this weekend was mrs. paula's bday. she had a party at her house. it was nice. i dont know why but i feel so uncomfortable around his family most of the time. mmm..its weird. like i cant just let go and be myself. i feel extreamly uptight. well, not everyone. just certain ones.

u know what i"m going to start doing? when i think of stuff i want to blog about i am going to write down little word clues in a book or something. because this is annoying. all this weekend i kept thinking of stuff i wanted to write about and now i cant think of anything i wanted to say.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

POOTS IS SOOOO FUNNY!






Ok so she's been doing this new thing where she undoes her diaper. And she has QUICKLY mastered the baby art of flipping over. She's slick with it now. Because before she would flip over and her arm would still be stuck under her body. Lol. But not now. Now she flips over and gets that arm out so fast! It's Like she challenges herself to see if she can beat the "arm get out " record or something.

So anyways, the other morning we're laying in the bed. And do u know this girl had poo poo'd , undid her diaper and commenced to flipping and rolling all over the bed! She messed up my freshly washed sheets! I was like "u just want to flip n roll at all cost don't you?" lmaoooo I could'nt get mad. All I did was laugh at her rolling with her diaper half on and half off.

Oh! But the sweetest....is now she reaches and graps for us. I LOVE IT! Im so mooshy. That sometimes I sit her down and hold my arms out just to see her reach for me. I love her. I love when she reaches for me.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

mmmm...I am in the mood for

-A ceasar salad (but without that white cheese) and lots of dressing
-a steak and baked potatoe
-pancakes with apple crisp topping from IHOP

And guess what? Im going to get it. And eat it all at once! And whatever I don't finnish I'm just gonna eat over the weekend. Idk why but I am craving bits of all of this at once. I feel so greedy. Lmaoooo. And I promise not to throw any of it away.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

I'm Gonna Write This off my Chest

at first i was a little scepticle about writting this on my blog. but then i thought " the hell? this is MY blog" and whomever doesnt like what i write about and how much drama in my life can ever so gently click on that little red ex in the top right hand corner."

so let me tell you. for the past few weeks whenever we go over to devin's parents house between, devin's sister, dad and mom they have all been laying it on kindda thick about giving pooots jared food. i mean LITERALLY at least ONE of them would say SOMETHING about how Poots needs to be on jared food, or how i"m gonna have to stop breastfeeding before a year is up, or something neggative as respects to my breastfeeding poots. so anyway today they came in the house after going to the grocery store with jars of food for her. i was like WTF!? its not even that i dont want her on baby food that irritated me so much but thier total lack of respect and consideration for my feeling towards the issue. its like instead of me stating my piece and that being that there was a constant bonbardment of questions.....convincing arguments.....shit that i was being talked to about. and it was just so annoying. i could spit. so anyways then me and devin are talking about it and he says that i am selfish! SELFISH?! are you fuckin kidding me?! he said i'm selfish because i want to breastfeed poots for one year rather she wants to be or not. first of all i could half way see his point if she even cared. but she doesnt. and would be sooooo much to ask that he be on my side for once. but i'm tired of writting about that. mmmm on top of it all my dad is missing. nobody has heard from him all damn day since 12 this afternoon and its 4 am

Thursday, August 28, 2008

imma just put it all out on the table.....I'm sure this has tortured for centuries

Y do men cheat? Call me insecure but I believe its because they want the sweet, mother of their child, average looking women at home. To come home to a cooked meal, clean house, and KNOWING she's faithful and always there. But there is a deeper darker part of every man that is guided by his penis. And this is all he thinks about. And this part of every man desires to cheat with the "hot mama". Big ass, firey personality, long straight hair down her back. Just everything that you are not. I get mad at myself because I don't put this past noooo man. I have been through so much shit in my life with men and the such that if a good man were to smack me n the face I wouldn't recognise it. Poor devin pays for this a everyday (damn near) with me. I hate it. And I know its not healthy for our relationship. But I look at him sideways with everything he does. I question him when he doesn't want me to answer his phone. I don't believe him when he says he's going certain places. Now...don't get me wrong. We have both done some shit in our relationship. But its like I can't get past his. Since those things have happened (he's never cheated just dumb ass shit happen) I just can bring myself to trust. Since other things in my life has happened I just can't bring myself to trust. And I feel he wants me to trust him COMPLETELY and UNCONDITIONALLY. And I can't. He wants to be able to have female friends and I not question it, have calls and I not question it, and other stuff that I'm not supposed to question. The thing is why shouldn't he be able to? We should BOTH be able to do these things without any problems and have one another still trust that we are faithful and acting how we are supposed to. But all I can think is that he is a young man and cheating is what they do. I'm sorry devin. I do love you

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Just Writting

about nothing in particular. i am so tickled over my new sidekick. lmaoooo. its so cool. i like gadgets though. i havnt payed Devin any mind since i got and thats a shame because i was hardly paying him mind in the first place with Poots being around and all now. lmaoooo. he expressed interest lately in going back to school. these past couple of days he has been talking about going back to school. and this morning he actually had a job interview (kiki stands and gives a round of applause!) lol. BOUT DAMN TIME!! i'm so tired of that piece od shit job. i wonder y he isnt too. anyway, poots is doing good these days. sitting up and being all extra sweet and cute. she had to stay with my mom last night while i was working. i wonder how she did. i miss her. i thought about her and looked her picture all night long. its rediculous because i should have been and could have been enjoying this time to myself....but all i could do is think about her lil butt. lmaooo. cant wait to see it. i took a pregnancy test last week. WHEW!! neggative. i guess its my body getting back into wack after having her but i SWEAR it feels like a baby is in there moving a kicking. and i was extra scared too because i heard that after ur first baby u can feel and show A LOT earlier then with ur first. hmmmm...if i were pregnant again i would be so irritated with myself. i mean i loooove children and i love my baby but i dont want anymore til after we are married and finncish school.

i am so sleepy. i need poots to stop fussing when i leave her a lone for a second. or if i'm not ready to wake up when she is. lol. damn it i be sleepy! but she does lay there for a while ,while i catch an extra wink. then she start kickin me all in my dang back. lol. like "ok i'm ready to play now mommy wake up!" and who can resist those cheeks. NOT ME. so i get up and play with her. but i'll be damned if i aint sleepy. lol