Thursday, February 28, 2008

"i wouldnt turn around niether"

OMG today i thought that my baby was breeched. Today i had an appointment. and i asked my dr. to tell me if my baby had turned around already and had her head pointed down. well, she said "sure i was gonna do that today anyway." "ok". so here we go. i'm on my back and she poking my belly so hard, and she said "oh, it doesnt feel like she is turned around yet, lets take a look at her in the other room". at this time i didnt know this is where the ultrasound machine was. my heart sped up. i had to wait for the ultrasound room to become available. in that wait i was thinking of all the things that could be wrong if she were breech. i really dont want a c-section. i was wondering if there was anything wrong with her that would cause her to not turn around. then i thought to myself "well, if i were her i wouldnt turn around niether. after everything i have put her through during this pregnancy. i would act funky too." then i thought "u have the right to act funky in there baby girl, i understand."
i went to the ultrasound and got to see my baby's top of her head. lol. she was turned around! just up really high and that y she didnt feel right to the dr. lol. she had the cutest top of the head. lol. it's big, like mine. lol. Thats my girl. i only have 11 more days til i can kiss the top of her head.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Tender Kisses

: I'm so confused and I think I'm gonna cry tonight
What must I do babe?
You don't know what you mean, oh
Tell me something
Tell me could this really be
You're so unpredictable
Why must you treat me this way
I want you to love me for who I am
Whatever happened to the dream we used to share
Where did our love go
Boy, don't you even care?

Tender kisses blown away
Tender kisses gone tomorrow gone today
Tender kisses bye baby bye baby

Don't leave, leave me here all alone
I want someone I can call my own
I may be young but I'm ready
Ready to fall in love

Im so confused, your so unpredictable
trust in me as i trust in you
put our hearts together theres nothing we can't do
Whatever happened to the dream we used to share
Where did our love go
Boy, don't you even care?


I wonder if you ever loved me
Tell me, was I so blind that I could not see
holding on to the memories
Of the way you used to kiss me
All I ever really wanted
Was someone to call my own
I'll never know
You'll never know
We'll never know
All those tender kisses blown away

only two weeks

i cant belive that i only have two weeks to go. Time is really winding down til when i get to meet my baby girl. i know it's close because i get terrible cramps in my side and last night i threw up. out of nowhere, for the first time in my ENTIRE pregnancy i threw up last night.i called the Dr. and she said that if it's not accompanied by any other symptoms that i should be fine it was prolly just a random thing. i have been trying to prepare my mind and body for a natural birth. i'm scared because i have that Group B Strep Bacteria in my colon. I hate it cause it can hurt my baby. mmm, my baby is such a lil soldier she has been through sooooo much in there. i cant wait to hold her and tellher how proud i am of her. Because there were many factors in my pregnancy that could have been fatal for her and she hung on like a fighter. i love her for that. This week i have to get her stroller/car seat and daddy still has to get my crib. once i have the stroller/car seat my mind will feel much more at ease. i'm just getting anxious and cant wait for this to be over. Honestly i never want to be pregnant again. i could have 100 babies, but i never want to be pregnant with any of them. lol.

The Baby Shower Was This Past Weekend

It went well. surprisingly it wasnt as annoying as i thought it was gping to be. For dinner we had BBQ chicken, patatoe salad, mac n cheese, string beans and cake. the cake was heavenly! lol. Although my family wasnt there a lot of girls from my jobs showed up and my cousin chanel. i love her. i got nice things including really practical girls life baby tylanol, and baby gas reliefe medicine. i got a nursing pillow also. lots of really cute clothse and so forth. i'm greatful. Paula didnt show up. Mr. Quinton did but she wasnt there (how dumb does that look) and he showed up empty handed. WTF. Niether one of them have bought Kira or even offered to buy Kira ANYTHING. Dumb asses. Thats was really in bad taste. but Devin didnt tell any of his family. Like his grandmom, aunts, uncles, cousins, or even his own brother. what is his problem? immature, thats what it is. the whole family is really fucked up and here i go.

He Proposed On Valentines Day

It was cool. Nothing special. He did it in the car. y couldnt he think of some really nice way to do it? like a special trip somewhere or something. He's so immature. A mature man would have put a little more thought into it. or it' s prolly just his personality. he's so nonchelant about everything that he prolly didnt think it matter having a "fuck it" attitude. I would have liked it to be a little more romantic but i was happy he put a ring on my finger. lol. then i thought about it. I wonder if in light of all that had been happening did he do it just to smooth things over? So much crap has gone down in this past month between him and i that i dont know where to begin. I often ask myself y i accepted his proposal. Do i love him and want him that bad? Cause in my heart i honestly dont know if he;s the one for me. we can't conversate, or agree on nothing and i know he hasnt been to honest about some things lately. it all is just so stressful. i am seriously thinking about giving him back this ring. i have to remember Akira and the example that i am trying to set for her. That love does not come unconditionally and that i will not put up with whatever for the sake of saying i have a man!

Thursday, February 14, 2008

I Know He Has A Ring

I know it's a ring but i havnt seen what it looks like. I dont know if it's a regular gift ring or an engagment ring.

Kitten Stories: I'm Annoyed!

i have become very PARTICULAR about who gets the kittens when it is time for them to go to permanent homes. i damn near wish i could do background checks on people. Well, i have "friend" who is hell bend on getting one. i mean REALLY thinks will come to Maryland from Verginia and take one of my babies. UH HELL NO! And she wants to take it when it's 6 weeks and not 8 weeks (the age they are supposed to leave Egypt). Lemme tell u, this girl has a reputation that for taking care of animals that I HATE with a passion. She had a cat once b4 and put it out and by accident her husband at that time ran over the cat! i would just die if something happened to one of my babies. She only wants one because they are little and "cute" now (they always are in my eyes) and that damn bitch boy she calls a boyfriend is in jail. I cant stand his ass niether. I just know that if he gets out he's hurt my kitten, or get rid of it somehow. Fuckin hate how i feel. I have never feltlike i want to fight the way i want to if she tries to take a kitty. I wish i could. i'll get Devin to put her out. I think the best thing for me to do is not know who has them and not have a relationship with the person because i will ask about them and if something bad has happened i will want to hurt somebody. lol. i talk like i gave birth to them. lol. But thats how i feel. nobody knows how much joy they have bought me with thier fat, round, clumsy selves. lol. I just love them so much. sometimes i watch them suck on thier paws. It's adorable! lol. I will cry when i have to give them away.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

i want to write

just for the therapy of it, to get some things off my chest but i dont even know where to begin or what to write. for the first time in my pregnancy i am so nervous that i dont know where to start.'s cold as CRAP outside and i'm mad about that. it's 16 degrees. WTF is 16 degrees?! I hate being cold. i wonder about Kira being cold and on the bus stop with Devin. i really need him to get a better job and a car. I broke my neck to get a second and to take care of the car for our daughter i feel he should too. By us (Devin and I) working TOTALLY different shifts it will be impossible for me to get her when i get off and get him to work on time with out him bringing her to my job in the morning. March is rainy and COLD. OH! What will i do? Cant have my baby cold on the bus stop. i wonder how my post pardum will be. I hope not bad. I dont deal well being depressed i know i'll take it out on Devin. lol. that would be bad beings though we will be living together with a new baby and all that. it would be a new difficult situation. me, post pardum with new baby and new live in boyfriends in small cramped apartment. I'm hyperventalating already.


I am so nervous and anxious. This is taking FOREVER! I cant wait til march 11 is finally here. I dont know what to do or write. She will be here sooo soon. This is so unreal to me. i cry so much, just wanting her to be ok and to arrive safely in my arms to kiss her belly and count her toes and fingers. I have never known a love like this . A feeling like this. I know that this is just the beginning of a lifetime of worry about her and her well being. but it would be so much better to just hurry and get this thing started. i havnt been writting much. i feel so overwhelmed.

Friday, February 1, 2008

Kira Had the Hiccups!! AWWWW

She's sooo cute! I love her soo much. My Kit Kat. (i keep changing her nick name). Last week i went flying to the labor and delivery department at St. JOes because while at work i was having sharp pains in my lower abs. i was scared at hell. i tried to stay calm and just go make sure my baby girl was alright. well, they hooked me up to a machine so we could monitor her heart rate and see my contractions. Her heart rate stayed between 130-150's i was happy about that. Her heart beat is like music to my ears. The best sound i'v ever heard. i could hear her everytime she moved and fumbled in my belly. she was rolling around. lol. Then...the funniest thing. i could feel little jumps and hear it too, but i didnt know what it was. The next time the nurs came in, i asked her what that was because it didnt sound like a heart beat. she said "oh she has the hiccups." I almost cried. They REALLY sound like hiccups. lol. So little and cute. lol. i wonder what i aet that gave them to her. Then i felt sorry for her cause hiccups are annoying. lol. i just rubbed my belly and listened to her hiccups. i counted 28 b4 a drifted of to sleep.

Just Me

Well, i feel a little better because i got my hair done. lol. it cost 150 bucks but u cant put a price on ur emotions. lol. it's cool. i am sooo pissed at myself because i did not attain any of my goals that i really wanted to this month. i will be honest and write that i have NO money saved, no baby stuff, i havnt read anything, and my house is in mid shambles. GRRRRR! I'm so pissed at myself. Thats the only person i can be mad at is me.
Braxton Hicks Contractions: Totally kicking my ass. lol. They come at the wierdest times. like when i'm trying to get comffy to go to sleep, or when i want to just sit. I have to really get my mind and body ready for labor. cause if those thing arent even the real deal.........