Monday, October 29, 2007


God, although things are beginning to turn around for me. This has been a hard few days and it's getting ready to be a even harder next few days. I am terribly upset because i have been thinking of how i have ruined my life and burnt so many bridges with people, family, and friends. This weekend y cousin and I got intoit really bad and although she said some pretty hurtful things a lot of what she said was true and the truth hurts. I have fucked my life and fucked Akira's before she has even arrived. I am trying to develope independence and pride about myself and those speak for me. I am so tired. So this weekend I started my second job. I liked it although it's hella busy. But i am not lazy. Plus with this job it's pay day on the opposite weeks then on my full time job at Good Samaritan. So it will be like i am getting paid every week. That will be nice. Since i have a budgetting problem.

I am thinking about the people that i have hurt and i how i have no support. The fact that i have no support doesnt really bother me , in the sence that i am happy that this will FORCE me to be independent. But i am sorry about how i have hurt themand how i dont even have the OPTION of asking anyone for help. I am sorry to all of you. Anyone whom i have ever opened my mouth on, anyone whom i just didnt THINK with, i am sorry. I am sorry to my family most of all. I am sorry for the pain and shame i have caused you all, I am sorry for the hurt I am putting my mother through. I wish there was a way i could mend these relationships. I have decided to be alone for the next few days. I am cold, and lonely. What a bad combination.

I have accomplished 2 out of my 4 goals i set for myself. Next i will get an 1 bedroom apartment. Devin says he wants to move in with me. But he isnt making any moves to get a second job or to move inthe apartment i have now with me. Plus i want to do tis on my own. I will find a one bedroom apartment on my own for me and my baby. and furnish it. She'll like that. In a couple weeks i will look into making apointments for us. Then i will go back to school while she is little. It will only be 9 mos. To major in IT. Informations Systems. That is a well paying feild.

Sunday, October 21, 2007


I am so excited that i having a little girl. Her name is Akira Raquell. She was sooo cute on the screen. She was pointing her finger and moving her lips. Her daddy always does that. lol. She was moving all around. Kicking her arms and legs. I love her so much. I am so happy that i am having a girl. That is what i really wanted. She is such a blessing. I know she will help me to get my life together. She's my snoodle cake. I love her more then i could ever tryy to explain.

Another thing. I got a second job. I was happy about going on my interviews this weekend. And this job pays 10 dollars an hour. On Friday's Saturdays and Sundays. Perfect days.

I am extremely nervous about having a girl though. The world is so hard on women. Men can be so ruthless. The world is AUTOMATICALLY OPEN to men. Women have to MAKE the world open to then. And that is damn hard.

Friday, October 19, 2007


Til I know what i am having. Devin and Aerica are supposed to be here at 7:00 am. I am too excited. I want a girl so bad. I cant believe this is so real . I cant believe this is happeneing to me. A highlight of this week is that i was able to pay off all my bills. and crap. I even have enough gas money. Also, i have like 2 interviews this weekend. I like it whe i take care of business and i feel accomplished. I feel so responsible and proud of myself. Devin said that he wants to propose to me. He said maybe at Christmas time. I just hope he can take care of us. His family. I KNOW he has the desire, the will power and the "know how". I just wonder if he will make it happen. it sounds like i dont have faith in him, and really that is not it. i do. it's just that life is so hard and it's hard for no reason, i just wonder if we can keep our family together, tight and in love. i cant wait to teach my baby about values, morals, and principles. i mean basics Like :
1. respect
4.trusting in the right things
6.good citizenship
7.not being predjudice/racist/judgemental
8.independence mindedness
I saw Devin's dad today in real life (i'v only seen pictures) from a distance and he didnt speak. it hurts so bad that i want to teach an instill all these good positive things into my child and it has to brought into a family and around people that has so much shit with them. People not liking and not speaking to one another, people being phoney, and just so much pointless shit! I HATE IT! i have tried talking about it, and proposing alturnative ideas but nobody wants to hear it. nobbody wants to move or change for the better. they really feel that it's ok to be this way. and i guess i cant blame them, or change them. the only person i can blame is myself for getting myself pregnant and our family having so many issues. Now there is NOTHING i can do about it. I really tried, but nobody but me seems to care. So all i can worry about is me and my baby's relationship. i;m not wrong for wanting things to be better, it just makes me angry that people can be so bull headed and stubborn. So mean and heartless. Life requires cooporation and the foundation for that cooperation is respect. Besides Devin and I there is not cooperation and there is no respect. I HATE IT.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Just Writting

Feeling good but a little overwhelmed. I have been running all around town trying to find another job. and trying to handle my business. I have filled out so many applications. I just hope something comes through really soon. I have been trying to do too many things at once. I have been trying to find an apartment AND trying to find a second job all at once. I think i just , no, i KNOW i just need to focus on getting a second job first. My resume look sreally nice. so i like that. This weekend i will focus COMPLETELY on filling out as many applications as i possibly can. Also, i want to focus on going back to school . So tomorrow or Friday I will take a ride up to Tesst and see what i need to reenroll and change my major. Yes, i will change my major. I hope that is a smart move. Medical Assisting just is not where my heart is. I think maybe I would like to get more into computers. Something where I dont have to deal too much with people. I have also decided to give the van back to my dad and get a car ON MY OWN. I dont want to be under the wing of my parents anymore, that is another reason why i want to move out of the apartment that i have been living in for the past year. Cause my mom is my landlord. They will neversee me as a independent WOMEN and MOTHER if i keep depending on them, and it will just keep giving them reason to control me . NOT FEELING IT.

I have heartburn so bad. I hate this. I cant belive I only have one more day til i can find out what my baby is. I cant wait to be able to address it by it's name and sex. And begin to shop for it. lol. There is so much to do and so little time. lol. There has to be another job available in the Baltimore area. Why is it so hard to do this? To find one. I want my baby to know and feel that i do everyting for it. I love it so much. I will give my life for it and will do everything in my power to protect and provide for it, 3, 4, 5x's more what i had. And i had it good growing up.

I wish my mom and I were closer during this stage in my life. I wish she would be in the room with me while I give birth. I could die, but i guess that doesnt matter. I dont even know if she would come if my dad comes. I hope so , i'll ask her. hop eshe doesnt say anything to piss me off though when i do ask her. lol. I hope it's not that serious for her. Maybe she has thought about it over the months and feels differently now. I hope so .

So, I have begain a new challenge for myself. Starting today I have decided to eat and live like how i am supposed to for the rest of my pregnancy because i have eatting everything under the sun and not exercising like i know i should so here are the details:
1. exercise daily
2.protective hair style
3. no stress
4. no junk foods
6. water, water, water

I think I can keep up with that. THis weeken I have sooomuch to do. GOSH!!
1. pay my bills
-car note
-car insurance
2.Go to the Grocery store
3.Go to the laundromat
-clothse detergent
-other nic naks
5.Get my social Security Card
6. drop off / fill out more applications
7. ultrasound on Friday.
8.Clean my house
9. Cook for this week

so i guess i'm done this post. Iwill write and let you all know how things go
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Sunday, October 14, 2007


I find out what i am having. i am terribly excited. I really want a girl, but i think i NEED a boy. To make me a more well rounded women. A boy will toughen me up. I look forward to that from him. I have a huntch it's a boy. I will also be finding out if there are any neaurological defects and anything physically wrong with my baby. I am praying about that. After this visit i will really be able to calm down and ENJOY being pregnant. Not that i havnt enjoyed it thus far, i just mean without any worrys.

My New Car!!!

LOL!!! YES!! I finally got it. Remember i was saying that was one of my goals? Well, i couldnt wait to get better so i could start accomplishing some of my goals. I am terribly excited. It's a "mommy mini van" lol. I love it. It's a green Murcury Villager. I took over the payments from my dad. He was being terribly annoying and controling about it. One of the conditions was that i have to go to the Kingdom hall. That was irritating. Only because it' not in my heart to go right now. I mean i understand his reasoning, but he cant force this to be in my heart, he cant force me to reinstated. He already is telling me who to cut out my life and so forth. Before i know it, he'll be somehow making me break up with Devin, and making me write my reinstament letter. And he'll be backing me into a corner about it. Making me feel there is no other way out. Like he did with the van and everything eles. I think i will have to give him a good firm talking to in the morning about that. Because i dont want him forcing me to do anything.

Next I will focuse on getting a bigger house, and a second job. As a metter of fact i got a call back from one of the places i dropped my resume off at. lol. And this weekend Devin and I will be looking for a apartment together. Thats cool. And all my OB-GYN visit went pretty good this week. The only thing she said was that i am anemic and to take a iron pill.


I was incredibly sick and unable to write. I wasnt at work. I felt terrible though. I had a REALLY big and painful cyst in my back. Not cool. I ended up having a surgery to remove it. I was really nervous about the sergury because its not good for the baby. But, the Dr. didnt out me to sleep. I stayed in the hospital for 2 days. That was a interesting experience. The dr's and nurses were REALLY sweet and caring, but it was the first time i went through this type of thing with my mom and my family. Devin was a angel during my ordeal. He changed my bandages every morning and every night. And too really good care of me. I appreciate him. But the one good thing to happen that made me feel a lot better was that was the month i first felt my baby move. lol. I remember exactly. I was laying on my belly watching television and felt a really fast flutter. lol. Now i feel it all the time. Witout having to lay on my belly. But it's cooler when i do. lol

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