Thursday, July 31, 2008

just brainstorming about a new career

was talking tomy cousin about how i desire to back to school but i dont know whatf or i want a career in something i will enjoy doing everyday. if no there is no point in paying all that money and still hating what it is u do. nope not me. dont wanna live like that. she told me to make a list of everything i like/ love personally and build from there. so here here goes:
natural holistic health
natural hair care
making my own product (hair care and body)
reading
writting
taking care of poots
midwifery
i only want to do nursing if it can be 100% holistic and natural
damn i cant even think of things i like. lol. i'll have to write things down as i think about them throughout my day. i wonder where poots would go while i am in school during the day.
surfing the internet
blogging (lol)
beauty
u know out of all the things that i am listing and when i tink about my like the thing that envokes excitment and warmth inside of me when i think about it and persuing a career is natural/ holistic hair care/ and health. i would like to take it to the max. meaning open up my own natural hair care shop and make products. i would like to write books about it (i love writting and reading , especially about natural stuff. lol) and do holistic health care including midwifery. just the whole shabang! and bulid a empire off of it. to help people. i want to make organic and natural care affordable and available to low income people. living costa lot but the BEST thing for us is living as closly as possible in harmony with nature. and thats what i want to offer people.
so with all of that said. i wonder where i would get started. i wonder who i would talk to about what courses and certifications i need to
be a natural health care practitioner
midwife
knowing what oils and chemicals to mix (is that chemistry?)
mmm....this is going to cost soooo damn much andmy credit is shot

today

was a busy day. i have been soooo tired. i hope i am not pregnant again. GOD FORBID if i am. i dont think so, but....i'll be taking a test tomorrow. poots has been extra fussy these past couple of days since she got her shots. i'm sure its just a side effect. i can still feel the knot on her thighs. poor thing. lol. i'm used to the only time her getting fussy is when she's sleepy. she's always in such a good mood otherwise. i'm sure it will pass. but u know what? no matter what she cries when we go over devin's mother's house. lol. IDK why. it's wierd. her senses and her radar are so incredibly tuned to people and things. i belive babies have such a better sense of knowing and expressing people's true identities, and character it's uncanny. they are pure and nothing had yet to dule that sharp sense they have. lol. we have been so busy these past few days she prolly hasnt had a chance to adjust herself since she got her shots. we'll do something tomorrow ot calm down. maybe we'll take a nice hot bath with lavender and chamomile in it and then go to the park and watch the stream go, walk in the grass. lol. thats always fun. she'll like that. that should put things back on track. mmm.. while i was with my mom we drove past a really cool backyard and in this backyard the family had a HUGE playground for thier children to play in. i would love to get poots that. she needs and deserves that. but i am afraid. afraid because mother fuckers are crazy. its not like i could let her go out there and watch her from in the house and have peace of mind. noooooo...the constant thought of someone staeling my child would run through my mind. its a shame children cant be children. and play and run in peace w/o someone trying to ruin that. i want to take her somewhere far away where she can have a backyard and a playground and i dont have to worry about her. humph that sort of place doesnt exist on earth. my mom said a lady left her daughter outside for second while she went to answer the phone and just as soon as she turned around her daughter was gone! someone had reached in JUST THAT DAMN fast and took her baby. OH!!! i cant imagin the hurt in her heart. there was a amber alert just recently for a beautiful little red head girl. that must be one sick, sick feeling not having ur baby and thinking she is somewhere hurt. i pray for her and her mom.

the cost of living

is so damn high. why does it have to be this way? it's such a shame that in order to provide for yourself and ur family u have to sacrifice time raising your baby and loving ur man in order to work like a slave. well, i'm not doing it. i have thought about getting a second job. but for right now, i will just live modestly and save my extra moneys. i do not want to work two jobs again like i did when i was pregnant. i dont want to spend that much time away from poots. she doesnt deserve that. it just makes me so mad that this world is so crooked that u cant saty warm in ur house, u cant drive, u cant eat hardly without working like 8 jobs. its rediculous. i know its too much to ask but we should be able to keep our family warm and fed with no questions asked or problems. this waorld gets sicker and sicker everyday.

Monday, July 28, 2008

parents ARE the best teachers

i often think about my baby and her opinion of me. how what i do will mold her. i woory about the person she will grow to become and how my example will mold that. i guess thats why i am intent on becomming a better women. i want her to be the best women that she can be. she's already sucha dynamic person at 4 mos i cant imagin the power she will have when she is grown. i want her to push no matter what. i want her to be strong. i think about all the terrible things and attrocities that could happen to her, but it is my job to build a person strong enough to handle those obsticles. i could tell her whats right and wrong until i am blue in the face, but none of that will matter unless i can get myself together. go to school, buy her a house, take better care of myself physically and emotionally, and getting reinstated. she's so beautiful and wonderful. i cant imagin her hurting. and iknow that to hurt is a human emtion but i dont want her to. and it frustrates me that i cant protect her from that. today she got her shots and her thighs were sore all i could do was rock her and play with her while she cried. poor fat thighs. i iched to be able to squees them and kiss them, but i didnt want to hurt them. lol. she was abig girl. didnt even cry long.lol

POOTS FLIPPED OVER ON HER OWN!!

i couldnt belive it!! she was on her belly and flipped over to her back, then she was on her back and flipped over to bely! i'm so proud of her. my baby is getting big. plus, she's learning how to hold her bottle good. when i put a lil water in it, she holds it pretty well. oh i love her lil butt! she's so cool.

this weekend: 7/28

this weekend was tiring! poots and i went to the district convention. i was not as uncomfortable as i thought i'd be. it wqas nice. about cultivating the nine fruitages of the spirit. Galatians 6:1-5. i asked my mom if i broke up with devin and got reinstated would i be able to move back in with her to go to school. then i would move out. devin and i were talking about it last night. he said if we broke up he would just move back in with his parents, and move to PA when they go. i asked when he would see poots. he said on the weekend he would come down. that hurt. the crazy part about it is that i wasnt upset we were planning our breakup. the only hurtful thing about it all was how this would effect poots. i love her. i dont know what to suffer because of this. so anyway we continued talking. i love him also, and dont want to be without him. we have our problems but everyone does right? he said that when we argue i only focus on the bad. i never remeber how much we do have in common, and how much we love one another and our good times. he's right.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

i read this and thought it was interesting.

Self-Improvement Study Course
by The Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan



In The Name Of Allah, The Beneficent, The Merciful.
I Bear Witness That There Is No God But Allah And I Bear Witness
That Muhammad Is His Messenger.

I GREET YOU ALL IN THE GREETING WORDS OF PEACE:
AS SALAAM ALAIKUM.



God has brought us all onto the Earth to face one difficulty after another and it is the facing of these difficulties and the overcoming of these difficulties that helps us to improve our character and improve ourselves.

Now, the key word is 'to face' a difficulty. 'To face' a difficulty means to look at it; to assess it; to summon the total strength or our being to oppose it; to overcome it; to have a determined, persevering, courageous spirit to overcome the difficulty. There is no difficulty that man is faced with that man does not have the ability to overcome, if he will summon the strength of his being against that obstacle in the pathway of his progress.

But, how many of us turn our backs on difficulties? Whenever the difficulty comes, we turn away from it; try to find an easy road out of a difficult situation. I am talking to all of us. How many of you, when a difficult situation arises in your life, summon the strength of your being to stand resolutely and firmly in the face of that difficulty to overcome it? Or, do you turn away?

Brothers and Sisters, each time we turn away from the struggle to overcome difficulty, there then is deterioration of character and there is destruction of the Will --- and the Will that is within you is God's gift. It is His Essence that He gives to man and anything that deteriorates your Will destroys your ability to cope with the problems of life. Struggle is ordained.

Struggle is ordained by God. God is not a vicious God. He is a Loving, a Beneficent and Merciful God, but He ordains struggle. Because without struggle, you cannot bring out of yourself that which God has deposited within you. It is something that has to be brought out and it is a struggle overcoming difficulties that manifest your own gifts and you own sublime qualities.

Struggle is ordained, but the Qur'an teaches that 'after difficulty comes ease.' God gives you difficulty then He gives you ease. It is like a blacksmith, if you will, who is shaping a piece of steel. He puts it in the fire then he beats it and he cools it. This is the way God forges men and women of character. He does not forge you into great men and women without the fire, the water and the beating.....................
The challenge now is yours and mine. I hope that you and I will be able to say like Jesus, 'the strife is o'er...'. The battle is done, man. The victory of life is won; I got it. I made it. Not number one in football, not number one in singing, dancing and clowning, not number one in this and that, but the victory of life, meaning that the Divine Life that God gave you, you finally have connected to the Source of it.

And now you have become one with God, so there is no more struggle, no more strife, the battle is over, the victory is won and you have become a risen child of that Creator that has ascended to the heights. Then we can say, Allelujah, for Praise belongs to God!



____________________________________________________________________________________

hmmm....pretty much anyone who knows me knows of the struggles of my life these past few years. i'm talking abvious ones that i dont have to tell anyone about.it seems that i just cant get it right. on my search for peace i came across this article and just read it. i'm not done all of it but i like the feel of it already. it strengthens my resolve for devine closeness. my spiritual cleanliness. i'm still reading and writing daily. increasing my knowledge and intelligence.

the most powerful part of this small excerp is when he says that there is the need to ask god to stand strong when there is struggle, not asking for him to deliver me from it. i will pray for this. for this strength in the face of struggle. because no matter what there will always be problems, troubles, ects with the irritations of life. but the point is to get through that and

writting and blogging...lol

i just love it. lol. is so relaxing. reading other people's blog and getting ideas on what to write about. lol. i know i am silly, but while i am at home during the day i sit and think about topics to write about . i would like to write about more things in my mind, other then my problems and issues. there is so much more to me then just problems and issues. lol. i wish that i could get more poeple to read my stuff. and respond to it. comments make my daaaay. i am a comment junkie. lol.

and on and on with this shit again : he said

"i persoanlly dont see anything wrong with it, but if it bothers u i wont do i anymore." ok, thats only half ok. the fact that he will stop taking number from people is good and i thank him for that but the fact that he doesnt see anything wrong with it is what gets me. then on top of that he says "u only dont want me to talk to girl because u have a double standard and u think i will cheat. and thats not fair" my double standard that my best friend is someone that i used to be in love with. we talk daily. he uses that as leverage to talk to who he wants. i think how i feel is wrong, but i dont want to feel it is. lol. he sayd "how is it different that u get to talk toher every night, yet u got mad at me for having friends. you were in LOVE with her. now, had it been anything lower then that, i would be a lot more understanding, as a matter of fact i wouldnt have a leg to stand on, and we wouldnt be having this conversation." i do feel its different for him then me. i feel like i dont want him having and aquiring new female freinds. i get mad about it. its like he uses the fact that i am bi and have female friends and a way to even things

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

just writting my random thoughts:nothing in particular. lol

this is going to sound so crazy, so random and rediculous:
the news is on: oh God! So SAD! why?! a father ad son die in a car accident while mother was driving. I'm so tired of bad news. the baby was only 2 mos. i bet people will blame god for this. saying that he NEEDED two new angels. he wouldnt do that. TAKE life, when he is the source of giving life. i dont believe it. Not for one minute. i pray for her.

hmmmm, why he gotta be so stupid?! i found out of state phone numbers . i ask him abut it, and he says "i dont see it as a big deal. i mean, whats wrong with friends? i think it's insecurity when a male or a female cant have friends of the opposite sex" god i wanna smack him. how could he feel this way. no, he has never cheated. but y put urself in compromising situations and then get mad when i'm mad YOU HAVE NUMBERS INMY HOUSE! y make me feel bad, and like i am insecure because i dont want my boyfriend talking to other women on the phone!!! GOD how long am i going to be able to take this relationship? why does he have to feel this way? he says "you only feel like u dont want me to have friedns because u think i will cheat on u. i would never cheat on u." so if i feel insecure, y not RESPECT THAT. maybe i am crazy for feeling this way, maybe i am wrong.maybe i am wrong. but respect that and be undersyanding and sensitive to that. not only that but EVERY upstanding,and respectable relationship that i have ever observed dont have a lot of NEW friends from the opposite sex. so i told him "oh thats what u want to do? fine. u have ur friends and i'll have mine." but really i was just saying that. i gave thiught to acquiring my friends and doing that. but it goes against everything that i believe and have been taught about in relationships. y cant he feel like a mature person would feel. like he wouldnt DARE want his women to be talking to other men, even if they are "just friends". i feel like hes only doing htis just so he can be an ass and force me into not caring. he turns it around to my fault and brings up my jealous tendensies. i'm jealous because u give me REASON to be. ie:talking to bitches, and getting phone numbers. to me that is danerous behavior. i wanted to do it and really i felt i would just find some fun male friends to hang with. but like i said earlier it goes against who i am. what i feel is sacred and i will not turn into someone i am not just to get at him, or be a ass like him. i'll pray about it.

i keep sugar coating shit from him and making excuses and the biggest is that i love him, and he loves me and we wouldnt cheat, but there are things about him that i wonder if i can deal with. what keeps ne is that he can be sooo sweet, kind hearted, and self sacrificing. but then he will turn around and i will think u r evil. i dont want my child around u. i dont like u. and he'll talk to ome saying "y cant u just respect how i am. the fact that i am different. i feel and think differently then most people." no, when u feel and think differently then ALL PEOPLE mother fucker there is something WRONG WITH YOU! and i cant wrape my mind and heart around excusing it. i wish poots didnt have to be around him during these critical first years of her life.

my neck hurts.

i hope poots is okay and not crying. i had to leave her home tonight because my boss was comming to work. i hope she didnt cry. i hope they get here soon.

Monday, July 21, 2008

my horrible life? i'm just saying

sometimes it feels that when i write i write only when my life is in an up roar. and although there is ALWAYS something going on, my life is not as horrible as it seems. lol. i get my best thoughts out when i write. i write for therapy. i'm not a crazy loon thats always sad, mad, and depressed. lol. i just like to write out my frustrations. i'm happy most of the time. i get stressed out while dealing with life. i'm happy over all. loool. lmaooo.

ok u know what!?

i dont know what to do anymore. we were over devin's mother's house today and poots was fussin cause she was sleepy and didnt want to be there. well mrs. paula goes on a rant about how poots is spoiled and blah blah blah, then aerica chimed in and said she is spoiled. i rolled/cut my eyes at paula but didnt say anything. devin said "dont do that" in an under tone. i got up and went to get my child. picked her up and tended to her. well when we got in the car i asked devin "why'd u tell me to stop. i didnt do or say anything disrespectful. and i'm sure that if i did she would have said something to me." "she's tired of saying stuff to u." then we started to fuss. idk what was said i cant remember. i'm tired of feeling ganged up on about how i care for my child and wht i do with her. i'm alone in this and it gets frustrating. also i am tired of him always feeling i am wrong no matter what i say or do. espcially when its partaining to his family and shit. he never defends me. i was mad earlier. i done forgot why i wa as mad as i was. its just that no matter what i do with him i'm wrong. and they are right. i'm tired of hearing how spoiled my daughter is. i dont even feel like talkin to him about it. it will just turn around to somehow be my fault. i get so tired of this. just everything. not knowing what he wants when it comes down to her, fussin about her, and feeling unfufilled.i told mrs.paula that i wanted to get poots ears peierced and asked if she wanted to come along and she said "i dont beileve in baby torture." all the fuck she had to say was "no thank u." all that stupidity was sooo unnecesarry. i was talking to devin about it and OF COARSE i am wrong he says to me "y do u get offended over every little thing." WHAT?! r u fuckin serios?! she just fuckin implied that i am doing something unhealthy to my child! if she doesnt believe in it thst fine. but DAMN! and it pisses me off because i just want him to say ONE TIME " u know baby ur right. i understand y u would feel that way." but in stead i am the bad guy and made to feel cheap because she's an ass.he never understands when she is wrong. i hate feeling this way. i just want to take my poots and go to a island and live there. just her and i. she's all i need in this world. she is my world. my life.
today devin was being the ass that he is and his mom siad "i hope u grow up b4 she does" and then "imma pray for her so that she isnt effected by u and ur ignorance." i thought imma pray too. she was right about THAT. i think its futile to leave him for this reason because no matter what he's gonna see poots and influence her in his way. i cant stop that. but at least this way i can have her close to me often and keep it under control. i feel sorry for poots to. thank god she has me. lol. god bless her sweet soul. i got her "back" lol. i'm tired of being pissed off over his ass though. but i love him. for some reason. lol. and i dont WANT to be without him. i know i prolly NEED to. i just cant wait for him to grow up.

re: Tell em Ms. Badu "kiss my placenta!"

You know i just love her , i lover her, i lover!! SHE IS A WOMEN! STRONG, BEAUTIFUL, PROUD and OPINIONTATED and speaks her mind. When i read this something so powerful welled up inside . It made me think of people and what i have been going through all my damn life with them! and not atnding up for myself! FUCK THAT! WHOOO! i feel like i want to cuss and fuss a few people out. lol. no, not allowing them to stomp on my peace but out of the principle of it. i wont allow them to take my peace but i will let them know i am a women. GROW, INTELLIGENT, and STRONG! it's so annoying that all people to do is sit and bring each other down. being judgmental, and flappin thier gums about shit they know nothing about. or maybe they do...but what the hell is the point in talking about it and hurting people. get a fuckin LIFE. my best friend told me that people are jealous of my spirit. the fact that i have been fucked over in my life countless times and am still going through shit but i remain peaceful and happy. i find reasons to smile (dont mean to toot my own horn but TOOT!! TOOOOT!! lol). but she's right. i get sad and hurt, but i keep on getting up and i strive for whats better and healthier for me. but i'm too damn nice. is there a way to tell people to fuck off and still keep ur personal peace? not get mad and crazy but stand up for yourself.

Tell em ms. BADU! "kiss my placenta!!"


And Erykah Badu is lashing out on all the folks who passed judgment on her this week about how many baby daddies she has and this new pregnancy of hers. She pretty much confirms her pregnancy by titling the post “Pregnant with Insults”. Check out her newest posting on her Forums (It is not on her myspace page or official fan site so I have not 100% verified the source just yet):

peace,
HOW DARE YOU DISRESPECT THE QUEENDOM

…AND MY CHILDREN AND MY INTELLIGENCE.

ive never been so disgusted in all of my life .
there is no other place i used to enjoy more .
i post no where else .
you guys have taken an all time low , tho.

I’LL STATE MY PEACE

i am a great mother and care giver to my 2 children and to this world .
my children are 2 of the kindest and happiest people i have met.
I home schooled them and taught them the ways of good to the best of my ability.
i am their doctor and their nurse .
and even sometimes their mother and their father.

i am an excellent mother and resent all of the negative comments and insults on my character.
I PUT MUCH TIME AND THOUGHT INTO HAVING AND RAISING MY CHILDREN.
IVE HAD THE HONORS OF HAVING 2 HOME BIRTHS AND 2 WONDERFUL PARTNERS BY MY SIDE.

every relationship i have been in was because i loved the person DEARLY and was dedicated to us “exclusively” FOR A NUMBER OF YEARS.

the fathers of my children are my brothers and friends .
we have a great deal of respect for one another and always will.
WE LOVE OUR CHILDREN TO NO END.
we took our own “vows” and CONTINUE TO UPHOLD THEM.
AND THAT IS WHAT THAT IS .

The rest of the article when you read the rest…



question?
WHAT IS MARRIAGE ?
WHO IS THE JUDGE?
WE ONLY UNDERSTAND THE EXAMPLES WE ARE GIVEN ( well sort of)

WOULD IT “LOOK BETTER ” TO MARRY AND DIVIORCE AND MARRY AGAIN ?
WOULD THAT BE MORALLY CORRECT ?
WHATS THE DIFFERENCE ? the government’s involvement i guess.
IDEALLY , IT WOULD BE EXCELLENT TO FIND THE MAN OR WOMAN WHO FULFILLS YOUR SPIRIT AND STAY FOR EVER AND EVER ( thru sickness and health till death do us part ) AND HAVE HEALTHY STRONG CHILDREN AS A RESULT OF A HEALTHY AND STRONG UNION.
(this CAN happen … we need much training , however.)

OR

IS IT REALLY “GOOD” TO STAY IN A RELATIONSHIP WHERE BOTH PARTIES ARE UNFULFILLED , LONGING FOR RELIEF , BRINGING one another down as a result of improper training , creating BAD ENERGY AND EXPERIENCES FOR THE CHILD TO REPEAT ?
(not to mention breeding deceit and anger and resentment )
SEEMS TO CREATE FEARFUL CHILDREN WHO TURN INTO FEARFUL ADULTS .

HOW MANY OF YOU GREW UP IN 2 PARENT HOMES THAT WERE MISERABLE AS FUCK ?
OR 2 PARENT HOMES THAT WERE NOT PERFECT BUT WORKED?
HOW MANY GREW UP IN ONE PARENT HOMES WHERE THE MOTHER WORKED HARD TO MAKE SURE YOU WERE CARED FOR BUT SHE WASNT QUITE HAPPY?
HOW ABOUT A HOME WHERE THE FATHER WAS THE MAIN CARE GIVER AND DID THE BEST HE COULD -LACKING NURTURE?
HOW MANY OF YOU HAVE A SIBLING THAT HAS A DIFFERENT FATHER OR MOTHER?
DOES HE OR SHE MEAN LESS TO YOU?
HOW MANY OF YOU HAVE MORE THAN 1 MOTHER OR FATHER OF YOUR OWN CHILDren ?
HOW MANY OF YOU HAD /OR / ARE PARENTS RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH TO MAKE GOOD DECISIONS FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN ,THAT DONT QUITE FIT ANY OF THESE DESCRIPTIONS?
HOW MANY OF YOU STAY IN UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS FOR FEAR OF GOING TO HELL?
HOW MANY HOS OUT THERE … THAT HAVE KIDS TO GET A PAYDAY?
HOW MANY PEOPLE GETTING THEY ASS KICKED AND ARE FORCED TO SUBMIT CAUSE YO MAMA GOT HER ASS KICKED?
THEN WHAT is CORRECT?

how about this:

I PRAY WITH MY CHILDREN
I FEED THEM GOOD FOOD
THEY RESPECT PEOPLES DIFFERENCES
THEY TRAVEL THE WORLD WITH ME
THE KNOW WHO THEY ARE
THEY ADORE THEIR FATHERS AND ARE LOVED BY 2 PARENTS OR MORE -
OR TWO OR MORE SETS OF LOVING GRANDPARENTS
THEY CRY
THEY GET HURT
THEY GET SICK
THEY HEAL

THEY ARE real

THEY ARE NOT AN IDEA or a TOPIC
AND NEITHER AM I .
I AM ALIVE .
I AM BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.
I AM A GOOD WOMAM.
I AM GROWING
I AM COMPLETE WITH OR WITHOUT A PARTNER AND WILL ALWAYS BE
AND I HAVE DREAMS OF A FAMILY STRUCTURE
ALL OF MY DREAMS DO NOT COME TRUE
AND DESPITE ALL OF THE PAIN IN MY LIFE …
IN MY MOTHERS LIFE …
IN MY GRANDMOTHERS LIFE
WE HAVE ALWAYS ENDURED
AND THERE IS SO MUCH JOY TO BE EXPERIENCED.
I NEVER HAD A FATHER AND I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT FEELS LIKE -
BUT MY CHILDREN DO , AND THEY LOVE THEIR ‘PARENTS’ .

WE ARE THEIR CHAMPIONS .

live how you want . follow which ever pattern YOU like .
MY CHILDREN WILL BE LEADERS
and they will not ever be slaves to this society’s failing idea of morality.
THEY OWN THEIR MINDS AND THEIR DREAMS.

BIRTH CONTROL lol … could have 10 babies instead of 2 .

I LOVE CHILDREN AND I WILL HAVE AS MANY AS GOD WILL GIVE ME .

I AM VERY HEALTHY AND RESPONSIBLE AND SO ARE ALL OF MY PARTNERS

I CHOSE THEM WISELY AND SOBERLY .

ALL GOOD BROTHERS .

your opinions lack experience and are not only careless but also very uninformed and immature.

nothing is sacred here . and i see why.

if i loose you as a fan because i want to continue to have children then
FUCK OFF… WHO NEEDS YOU ….CERTAINLY NOT ME … KICK ROCKS … CALL TYRONE … PACK LIGHT …. BITE ME

i have defended myself here ON THIS SITE and hurled a few insults .. but only in response to your insults of
my music , my clothes , my lyrics , my hair , my being a woman , my spirit, my choices of partners….
these have all been on trial here . and i continued to support the energy of this place .

this is to all the okay players / REAL HUMAN BEINGS hiding behind screen names in order to insult one another and who ever else you will.

geeeez…
i had to say something
i am so sad for parents who try , today guys
enough is enuf.

dont judge to quickly , OKAY PLAYER?

i know you are having fun , but what if it were you and your children?
my son is 10 .
my daughter, 4 .

peace

ANALOGUE GIRL

and if this post is not clear
kiss my placenta.

This weekend: 7/18

was uneventful and unfulfilling. nothing great happened. a bunch of foolishness really. lol. the best part of it all was giving myself a hot oil tretment on saturday. lol. i am so sleepy cause poots wont sleep good on the weekends now. idk whats going on. i feel bad because all the goals i set out to attain this weekend i failed in miserably. well, i did get the the hall but 20 minutes late. lol. i tried to clean up but was unable to finnish. i aet EVERYTHING, drank EVERYTHING. it was terrible like i didnt even try. IDK whats wrong with me. we went to kieths (devins brother) house saturday to play cards, eat, and drink. i drank a 1/2 glass of wine. didnt want to over do it. lol.

Friday, July 18, 2008

LIVING IN HARMONY WITH GOD AND NATURE

i am TRYING! its so hard! getting my physical self in line with my natural and spiritual self has been no easy feat. trying to attend my meetings, quit smoking (i did good today, no cigs)ect. u know. quitting all the self destructive things we do. i want to live:
vegeterian
holistically
chemical free
spiritually
stress free
drink water
peacefully
i want it for poots. she deserves it. i pray everyday for strength. this weekend i will attempt these things and write how i did when i return to work sunday night.

just me, just writting

writting about nothing in particular. just thinking about some things running through my mind. holding on to my poots while she sits, looking and grabbing at everything that passes her face. i love her so much and i enjoyher being with me while i work. but people r beginning to talk about it. co-workers to my boss. i should have been more sneaky. in having her with me. now they saying shit. i guess i'm annoyed because people arent minding thier business. i work alone, in a closed room where none sees me. so y it concerns people whom i am RELIEVING to go home that i bring my daughter to work is beyond me. y worry with what i'm doing and then going and snitchin? how bout just worry bout urself! dang man.
i have been thinking about how i would like to write a book. sort of like my blog, but a little more detailed. a book about being a black mother and the relationship between black mothers and thier daughters.including things like my struggles and happiness with my baby girl. like how i choose to breastfeed but there are challenges in that. with work and pumping and what not. how i would like to stay home with my her but i have to work. the differences between majority black moms and the mjority of white moms. how MOST (not all) black moms dont breastfeed. i wonder y its more common in the white community then in the black. how whit moms can take time off and return to work when and if they choose (MOST of the time) but black moms have to go to work and be away from thier babies. i wantto write about all that. and how i want to live and provide for my daughter the happiest, most spiritual, natural life i can. living in harmony with god and nature.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

is it possible....

to love someone and still not trust them? not believe what they say? think they're lieing when they're telling the truth. and yet through all of this still want to stay. still love that person no matter what. is that even acceptable? i feel torn inside. one side of me believes what he says just because he says it, the other side of me doesnt want to be so vulnerable and wants to doubt. i love him. he is the other half of my family. makes me happy when i am sad and loves me back. we could fuss and he is right back to normal and fine 5 minutes later. then there are other times when i feel he is pure evil. mmmm... what to do.

Monday, July 14, 2008

7/14 :This weekend



was fun. on thursday me, devin, and his little sister Aerica went to the mall. i did i a lil retail therapy for my troubled week or two i have been having. lol. i bought a REALLY cute little black dress for 10 bucks. and yes i wore it all weekend. it's my new favorite dress. i dont have a any little black dresses. plus it's thin and backless (holter actually) so it's really cool. I bought a few things from Claires. lol. i havnt been there since i was like 14. it's a nice store. got some earrings and hair clips. lol. i picked up a few perfumes from Bath & Body works. and i got my ears peirced. up the top. in the cardilagde. i liked it so much that the next day i went back and got another one. lol. it's OOBER cute. i think i'm going to keep my hair short to show them off. it looks really good with my earrings. the only thing i didnt like was poots got really sleepy, hungry and began to cry in the mall. well, devin and aerica wanted to get something to eat. so i was gonna take her and sit in the car and nurse her. but aerica got mad and said "no keshai, make her wait. she has to learn to wait. because when she gets older she gonna DEMAND that u feed her RIGHT then AND THERE! and she cant be spoiled like that. and a blah blah blah." so i was thinking to mmyself "when u r hungry dont u eat? u dont wait and say well i need to learn patience and shit. no when u are hungry to stand ur ass in the line (like u r now)and eat. i dont have a problem with getting my child something to eat immediately when she asks it of me. thats what i should do! not say "no wait." thats fuckin stupid." I gently took my baby and we went to the car and i fed her. well the this is a good transition to my next day which was Friday because that day is the day devin and i got into a argument about poots crying. him and his family have this phylosophy to NEVER pick a child up. if she is scrared, teething and sore, sleepy it DOESNT matter. NEVER picke her up and OH! if she DOES cry (because she's not a FUCKIN INFANT and thats what they do) it's because she's spoiled. they act like it's the MOST terrible thing in the world if poots cry and that i as her mother should hear and nomy child is uncomfortable and sad about something and just let her BAWL her eyes out. no i dont mean like when she's just being whinny and wants a lil attention and she has to wait a few minutes for me to finnsh my hair or some shit....i mean HARD, CHOKING, BALLING! I am NOT supposed to get my baby. THE HELLLL!!!! devin says "well, do u want her all under ur ass all the time. i dont want her all up under me all the time." well, u know what?! I dont have a problem with my child being with me "under my ass." i dont mind her at all. we are together all the time ANYWAY. NOBODY EVER has to watch my baby. I AM FINE with having her. i would rather be with her ANY day or being with ANYONE eles at ANY time. the only thing i ask of devin is that he watch her for a few minutes while i shower or something. and he cant do that. i get out the fuckin shower ans she still aint changed and crying her heart out. he dont have to HOLD her if he doesnt want to pick her up but damn ENTERTAIN her. make her laugh. she likes that. who the fuck wants to sit there and cry and be sad. one day he made a mistake and made a loud noise and it scared her and she jumped and started crying, i went to go pick her and console my poots. he told me no, to leave her alone. i almost lost it. i had to leave to stop myslef from flipping out. he said "nobody ever picked me up when i was scared. and everytime she gets scared we arent going to be there to console her." my heart hurt so bad. i picked her up and kissed her cheeks. I WILL BE THERE! even if i am not physically there she can come home and tell me about it and i will hold her til she's better. talk her through it. no matter how big or small she is. so any back to our argument, friday afternoon poots couldnt fall asleep and we were over his parents house. i thought that she was sleepy so i let her cry for a few when she's like that just to see if she flakes off tp sleep after a couple minutes. sometimes she does. but this particular day she just wanted me to lay with her and nurse her like how we always do together. but we were there and i felt preassured into just letting her cry. but i couldnt just stand there and not help her. it hurt me tooo bad so i left. went to the store and when i came back poots was still crying. i thought "fuck this" and went to my child picked her up and nursed her. she was sleep in 5 MINUTES TOPS! lol. well anyway when i walked back through the door devin was mad at me i said "what wrong with u?" "i'm mad because u left" "what? i'm not allowed to leave?" "u left because she was crying" "so? i didnt want to hear her crying. but yall have this thing where she is supposed to cry herself to sleep andi couldnt take it." "u dont leave BECAUSE she is crying" "why?! do i have to LIKE the fact that she's crying and listen to it" "no i dont like to hear her crying niether. but as a parent u cant leave if she's crying " "i dont understand...u want me to leave her sit there and not pick her up when she cries, i didnt want to HEAR her. i'm wrong cause i didnt want to hear her?" "no it was ur REASON. u left BECAUSE was crying." am i wrong? cause i STILL dont fuckin get it. so u know what i concluded? nobody has to watch my baby or be around her w/o me. since they all have such a problem with her crying. u know. she can go over my moms house all night and day and be perfect. with me she's perfect when we go to family outtings shes perfect. but as soon as she gets over there she cries. have they ever thought that maybe she doesnt like it there? its strange to me that thats the ONLY place pretty much that she cries. so fuck it. fuck everyone. i concluded that i have to do what is best me and my child. if rocking her to sleep gets her to go faster so that i can get some rest during the day then i will do just that. if rocking her to sleep will console her and make her feel better i will do that. there is nothing wrong with rocking a baby. picking them up when they cry. i have read and heard in MANY places that u cannot spoil a child by doing these things. now, when i read a scientific study that proves other wise i will continue to do this. and noone has to deal with her but me. so that was the beginning of friday. later around 4 me. devin, and aerica went and picked my coworker/ friend from work (she works a diffent shift then i). now proor to the past couple of months we were never close. we arent now but its getting better. i do her hair and shit. well her and a few of our other co workers used to be really close i guess and they did a lot of shit together. well while we were out my coworker told me everything that they did/ do. evrything that they talked about me to her and set me and shit. FUCKIN BITCHES. my mom raised me not to approach people(the reason y is beyond me. she's says its not worth it. it seems pretty damn worth it o me. i want to approach them soooo bad. and the only reason y i am not is because i promised coworker i wouldnt. she told me a lot of stuff. she even told me about the shit she did. she apologised. and said she was just running with the crowd and being a follower in the beginning. thats admirable that she straightened things out with me. Saturday we just got a pizza and watched a movie "why did i get married" it was cute. devin didnt want to watch it but i had fun. Sunday there was this thing in the local park called POETS IN THE PARKS/HAPPY NAPPY DAY. A local annual event that takes place in the park that has local artist and vendora that sell thier products and services. it was fun. out in the sun eatting jerk chicken,beans n rice, plantain and cabbage. mmmmm..drinking pineapple juice. all kinds of sweet heavenly goodness. lol poots and i walked around and danced to the music and smelled sweets. we looked at the earrings and felt soft material. it was fun. i love spending time with her. especially at cultural events like that. later the latin fest is comming up. i'll take her.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

we got our SUV

its NICEEEE. a mitchubishi (think i spelled wrong). it's dark silver/ grey. 500.00 a month. thats kindda BLAH but the cost of living is so damn high these days it's rediculous anyways. we have to use the top (most expensive) gas in it. but the seller said it gets good gas millage and we wont be in the gas station often. i sure as hell hope not. lol.

I CANT BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME


I wish that i could say what really wrong. but the pure and utter shame and embarassment goes against that. the physical and emotional pain caused by such is almost too much the handle. i hurt so bad. when will this get better. in my life i never wanted this for myself. i always wanted to protect my heart and space. but instead i wasnt smart. didnt make wise desicions and now i am paying the consequences...i will pay for life. what is this? i pray poots never has to experience this. i pray she think of herself first ALWAYS. lol...she does make it a lot easier to deal with. i am glad i have her. right now she's sitting beside me in her car seat contently playing with her blanket and feet. lol. sometimes i wish i were her. w/o a care in the world. my only responsibility being to wake up, grow, and make my mommy happy. her little body and waist is such a comfort to hold. she's so warm and soft. i love her so much.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

OMG! THIS WEEKEND LEMME TELL U

interesting:
1,argument with daddy
2.sex with devin (whaaaat?!)
3.cook outs
4.poots wouldnt sleep

ok so a lot has happened and now i will explain. FIRST OFF: Friday nights and Saturday night poots would NOT SLEEP!! she woke up at 3 and didnt go back to sleep til on friday, then Saturday she woke up at 12 and didnt go back to sleep til 5! i was soooo sleep. but i ended up just getting on up. when she fell back asleep i went back to sleep. she's been doing that for like the past week or so. staying up ALLL night while at work with me. lol. devin say because i work nights and sleep during the day her sleep pattern in beginning to be that. and it's true because when i go home in the morning we cuddle and sleep ALLL day til 3 or sometimes 5. lol. poor poots. i dont like that because when she starts school i dont want to to be sleepy during the day cause she's used to being sleep. but i dont wanna quit work and work during the day because then i'll have to put her in day care and be away from her and all that bull shit! if i quit we'll hardly have any money. we cant afford it. the fuckin cost of living is so damn high, most mommy's cant AFFORD to stay home with thier poots. *sighs* so i was sleepy most of the weekend cause she wanted to be up playin. lol. kickin my side and whinnin cause she wanted me physically up and in her face. lol. oooo what am i gonna do?

on top of no sleep i got into a REALLY BIG argument with my dad. OMG! i couldnt believe it. he was totally over steppinghis boundaries. i know i am his child and all but took it upon himself to call DEVIN's dad and tell him y we dont have a car. i was soooo pissed at him! i had already taken care of what i wanted who to know in my life. then he had the audasity to say that if i dont start cleaning more he's gonna tell my landlord! WTF?! i was like the hell u will! well, no i didnt curse at him...i would never but i was mad and i was yellin. i realize some of the things he was saying was right but it's the principle of the fact that this is my life and i draw a line in his meddling in it. and telling people who dont need to know my business! i get mad everytime i think about it! but what hurt the most is the fact that we were arguing like that. WE HAVE NEVER fussed like that. all the yelling and what not. i was so damn mad. but i had no right to scream at my daddy like that. i got off the phone and cried to devin because my dad is one of my best friends and i feel i can come to him with anything and when this happened i felt as though i didnt want to tell him anything or even talk to him. well the next day he called and we talked some more he apalogised. all is good now. inside i knew it would be i just didnt kknow when. cause i was in no apologising mood. i was happy i stood up for myself the way i did.

mmmmm....Devin and i made love FRIDAY, SATURDAY, AND SUNDAY. it was good. i didnt have to force myself to do it neither. i did my hair so i looked really cute and i felt really cute too. lol. i watched the nasty girls on my nasty movies we have and studied what they do just to add some spice to it. lol. it was fun. a little too much fun as a matter of fact. lol. friday night devin and i slipped up and i had to get a morning after pill. but i have to get it this morning when the pharmacy opens because it closed early saturday and i didnt know. but i have 72 hours to take it and it's not 72 hours til monday evening. i'll be taking it first thing monday morning. i have never taken one b4. i wonder what it will feel like. certainly nothing like an abortion. it's not a life til the sperm meet the egg and i still have time to stop it. i dont want another baby for a while and we too damn simple to use a condom. asking for it huh?

this saturday and sunday there was cookouts at devins grandma's house. i actually had fun and debuted my short hair cut. got a lot of compliments and devins dad said i looked pretty. lol. but his family is warming up to me and i felt a lot more at ease this time then any other. OMG! and whomever made that potatoe salad!! it was soooo good. needless to say i didnt get a chance to relax like i wanted to. i'm sure there will be much drama this week and leave me longing for the weekend.

Friday, July 4, 2008

"so what do you want from me?"

"i mean, i cant tell you how often we should make love. i'm a man i want it all the time. it just seems u only want to do it when YOU are in the mood." "i just dont want it like i used to b4 having poots. i'm sorry. i dont know what to do." Thats the basics of how me and devin's conversation went earlier this evening. he's always talking about how much he wants to make love. i feel bad because i dont feel as though i should have to force myself to want to make love to him. but it also seems as though he's HORNY ALL THE TIME!! oh how i miss our summer passions 2-3 x's a day. my body exploding with each thrust of his manhood. i miss him. i miss us being close like that. i wonder if he would ever cheat. he says no, but i cant help but wonder. does that mean i dont trust him?

men r such physical creatures and i know he needs this part of me. but i would like to think that i have the cream of the crop. that i have the one man that will be patient with me and not rush me. not cheat because i am not in the mood for sex. i just need time. this is the worst i'v ever been.

i'm annoyed

nothing major just evryday little aggrevating things. For one i need more help with Poota. i mean I LOVE taking care of her and spending all my days with her but damn it if i need to take a shower or want her to be changed i shouldnt have to get a bunch of lip about it. it's only 15 mins while i shower or one diaper change out of the day. the only time he wants to take her is when he goes over his mom's house and one of them wants to see her. i have to struggle to take a nap at night b4 i go to work when he can damn near go to sleep whenever he wants. mmmmm....

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

the best part of my day

is when i come home in the morning from work and feed my baby. we get under the blanket, snuggle up real close and tight and watch Clifford's Big Red ass. lol. i talk to her and we fall asleep in each other's arms. lately things have been kindda crazy in my life. drama at work, drama with my dad, drama with devin. but things arent so bad when i'm so sleepy and worn out that i cant take anymore, the best part of my life is snuggling next to her and sleeping it all off. we keep each other warm.

EMERGENCY!!!!!!!!

i think about her and i in the event of an emergency. like what happened in new orleans in hurricane katrina. or if this country were to be invaded by some military crazies and we have to hide places and stuff or if god forbid her and i were ever seperated. well, i'm going to buy some gallons of water and a flaslight and some canned goods (got them around the house) and go to walmart and get some stretchy material for 1 buck a yard, and a radio. what i like about the material is i it's so versitile. i bought some material like this to tie around my head in the cute litttle styles. but one day my cousin came ovr and taught me how to tie my baby in it like the africans do. her boyfriend is african. it's so convenient. i put poots in it and do myhouse work and she's close to me and we both like that. well sometimes i wrap her in it if its cold. i just take it off my head and do all this stuff. lol. cool huh. so it's perfect because it keeps my hands free. for climbing ect. i know, i know, i'm crazy but u gotta think about this type of stuff. lol lmaooo. imma get some baby food just in case she's not still breastfeeding. if she's old enough i'll tell her a place to meet me that i'll be NO MATTER WHAT. i think about those mothers in times of disaster and seeing there children in harms way. idk. i would kiss my baby and die with her. i couldnt live w/o her. i know it sounds crazy but i couldnt see me / my life w/o her it. it would be pointless. meaningless. i think about those jewish mothers in the time of the hollacaust. it's heart wrenching to read the stories of what they had to go through. or even tragedies that happen now. like natural disasters, wars, genocides all the other attrocities. i pray for u those mommys.

poots





is getting big. lol. she is big for her age. just 3 mos and she looks like she is 6 mos. lol. i wonder if she'll always be big for her age. lol. thats hott. tall women r hott. especially when they keep themselves looking cute. poots is pretty. i'll make sure she always knows that even if she is taller then all the other girls in her class. i was talking to her the other day while smearing shea butter on her buns. lol. singing "u got butah bunnnnz girl!" lol. she was laughing. i told her shea butter is good for her. she's here with me now. fussin cause its 5 a.m and she cant sleep. lol. poor thing. if she werent so nosey she'd be ok. lol.

mad at myself

i didnt make it to my meetings last week and i am angry with myself. i just let staying in the bed get the best of me. but i have to stay focused and keep my mind on the prize at the end of theroad. devin and i havnt gotten married yet. i'm mad about that. i havnt even gone to our lisence. his mom asked if we wanted a reception and that kindda holted everything. i have been trying to be considerate of the factthat i am not the only person getting married here. that although i may want to rush and do it and my family will not be there devin's family may want something different for him. well here again we dont have a car. i gave it back to daddy. it's a long story as to y. i'll write it later. but we saw a SUV truck we like and decided to get it. it's nice. it's silver. lol. 500 damn dollars a month but whatever.