Thursday, January 24, 2008

I Just Dont Feel Like It

GOING TO FUCKIN WORK TODAY!! I am sooo sleepy, my ribs still hurt, my feet hurt, i still have that damn cold. I feel ugly because my skin has gone absolutely in sane. I just dont wanna go! lol. Complaining? Yes the hell i am! It must be one of those days. Everyone at Mc'D's need to watch out for my wrath cause i am feeling like pure SHIT!

She Said it was SUPPOSED to be different

I was talking to my mom the other day and i was crying because of my situration with the baby shower. she told me to calm down and that everything was going to be ok. That i was strong and to keep my head up. But i guess the mother in her had to say "something eles". She went on to say "well, Ki, it was SUPPOSED to be different. You were supposed to let your dad and I pay for the wedding of your dreams and then throw you a big beautiful baby shower. But you wanted to do things differently, YOUR WAY." Her words felt strange but true. It made me angry that because i was hard headed and didnt do things the right way, i may not even get to have a baby shower with my real friends and all my family. And i damn sure wont get the Wedding i have always wanted. DAMN IT DAMN IT DAMN IT!! I wish I had listened to my mom. My life would be so different right now. i hope Kira listens to me.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Kitten Fell

I was handing it to Egypt and she was positioned wrong. i thought she had it and IT FELL! Oh GOD! i almost cried. It didnt fall far or hard but thats not the point its just a BABY! i picked it up so fast and kept petting Egypt and apologizing to her. I checked it to see if anything was broken, it wasnt. I kissed it, and kissed it. then layed it back with it's brothers and sisters. I picked Egypt up and kissed her too. I love them all so much. i wish i didnt love them and depend on them so much because it's going to be murder for me to give them up. They make me feel so good and calm. They are so soft and warm. They just light up my day. I'm upset because i have to work a double and that will be more time i have to spend away from them. But it will be all worth the stress at work and get to come home and see them wiggling and being too cute. lol.

Kitten Stories

lol. they are sooo funny. lol. i love them. today i fell asleep holding one and Egypt caught site of it and took it out of my hand and put it back in her spot. She's funny acting about her babies, i'll say that much. I cant have one out for too long, or let her hear it mewing. she'll come dartin out of that whole so fast and get her baby. lol. They are a greedy little bunch she has there too. i cought them figting for her milk today. two were scratching trying real hard to push one another, so i said "be nice. dont fight." and seperated those two. i just found a different spot for that particular kitten to suck at. They are funny.

OUCH KIRA KAT!! lol

Today was my Dr's appointment , it went well. I have gained 51 lbs during my pregnancy. I'm officially a fat ass. lol. I just get SOOO HUNGRY! it takes so much to make me feel full or even satisfied. I gained 7 lbs since my last visit. So my goal is to not gain any weight by my next appointment. Other then that my appoinment went well. I asked many questions as usual, and got satisfying answers. But Kira is laying up against my ribs and it HURTS SOOO BAD! I can hardly laugh, sneeze, or move. My Dr. said that some women have gotten broken ribs from thier babies laying up against them. it hurts like hell. I hope she doesnt break any ribs. SHE'S PUNISHED! lol. I have already decided. lol. No, she can stay in there and stretch mommy and jump up and down on my bladder all she needs to. When she's ready to come out, she'll tell me. lol.

How Do i Explain

On another website there is a forum for Healthy Pregnant Moms and in it one of the women told the story of how she recently miscarried. That is the saddest most hurtful thing a human could ever go through,is to loose a child no matter how old or young. You never think about grieveing the lose of your child, you think you'll be 'gone' before you have to deal with that. But I was praying and so greatful for the fact that I was able to carry my baby and that so far she is healthy. I am THANKFUL!! I couldnt imagin my life without her. But the point I am getting at is this: Why is that some people are fortunate enough to carry and have healthy children , while others have to suffer the pain of loosing thiers? Why are some children born dissabled, retarded, or worse DEAD, while others are perfect? Why do some people suffer through life tortured, abused and poor, while others are carefree and problem free (so it seems). How do I explain this to Kira? It seems so unfair. I dont even fully understand it.

Another thing i was thinking about was this: I know how i would teach her to identify sexual abuse and to come and tell me. But i do explain to her how to identify more abstract things like emotional, or physical abuse? Especially emotional abuse? On that same website , this time in another forum a women tells the story of how she was emotionally abused by her father. When she talked to her mother about it all her mom could say was "well, it could have been worse....at least it wasnt sexual and he took care of us financially." What kind of shit is that?? It's ALL the SAME and on the SAME level and does the SAME amount of damage to a human being. But how do I teach her THIS type of hurt? How do i teach her that if I pop her thighs out of dicipline I am not ABUSING her , but that there is a thin line to where it is too much. Or that if I speak firmly with her I am not ABUSING her. But if someone hits her too hard, or says things that hurts her feelings to come tell me. How do i explain what is TOO MUCH of something we cant see or feel?

Monday, January 21, 2008

KITTENS IN MY LIFE

Oh! I needed them soo badly. They are just wonderful little creatures. and i love how Egypt mothers them and takes care of them .SATURDAY NIGHT I WAS WATCHING TELEVISION AND DEVIN WAS ASLEEP. I HEARD LITTLE MEOWS. AND AT FIRST I THOUGHT IT WAS MY IMAGINATION. THEN I HEARD IT AGAIN AND I REALIZED IT WASNT MY IMAGINATION AND WENT TO THE SPOT WERE SHE WAS AND SAW ONE. I WOKE UP DEVIN AND TOLD HIM SHE WAS HAVING HER KITTENS! HE GOT UP LOOKED AT HER AND SIAD "I KNOW YOU AINT WAKE ME UP FOR NO DAMN CATS. WAKE ME UP WHEN SHE'S DONE." LOL. SO I JUST RUBBED HER HEAD AND WATCHED THEM ALL PLOP OUT. THEN SHE AET THE SAC. THAT WAS PRETTY GROSS. LOL. BUT THE END RESULTS WERE SOOOOOO CUTE. She hasnt rejected any of them, or eatten any. I should have known she wouldnt. I did a damn good job of raising her. lol. She's so loving and effectionate. The other night i was holding two of her kittens at the same time. because i wanted one, but she had two off to the side that wasnt sucking at her so i grabbed those two. Well, one started screaming and meowing real bad and Egypt started looking around and saw it and came and snatched it from me! lol. i was like "well, damn!" lol. i understand her though, if i here my baby screaming and cryimg i would come running and snatchin too. lol.
But i just love them so much. they came at the perfect time in my life. Devin said "you act like u like them more then me!" i was thinking to myself "if u only knew!" lol. then he started really acting a donkey when i wanted to hold them and spend my time with them. i'm sorry, i would rather spend my time with small, sweet, adorable kittens then ANY annoying draining person. that goes for him, and everybody eles that wants to be on my nerve. they make me sooo happy and relaxed. i cup one in my hand and just fall asleep for a few minutes then i'll put that one back and get another one. my favorite one is the runt. it's sooo small, but fiesty. it makes sure it's under Egypt, the first one getting milk. lol. My babies. So much love in my life.

Monday, January 14, 2008

IT'S NOT IN MY HEART

I'M CRYING. I'M CRYING. I'M CRYING. PLANNING THIS BABY SHOWER IS NOT IN MY HEART. DEVIN AND HIS MOTHER ARE MAKING ME PLAN THIS SHOWER. IT'S JUST NOT THERE. MY FAMILY WONT BE THERE, ON TOP OF ME HAVING TO PUT OUT MONEY (THAT I REALLY DONT HAVE) TO DO THIS. WHO PLANS THIER OWN BABY SHOWER? I AM. I DONT WANT TO DO THIS. DEVIN'S MOM TOLD ME THAT BASICALLY I AM BEING SELFISH AND NEED TO READJUST MY THINKING , BECAUSE IT'S ABOUT KIRA'S BENEFIT. THEN Y WONT SHE PUT UP THE MONEY FOR THIS?? SHE HAS EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD TO SAY AS TO Y I SHOULD HAVE IT AND NEED TO HAVE IT BUT IS NOT PUTTING ANY MONEY TOWARDS IT. MY HEART IS BLEEDING. DEVIN NEEDS TO THROW ME THE BABY SHOWER. I WORK 2 JOBS! NIGHT AND DAY. I WORK LIKE A DOG AND I HAVE TO THROW MY OWN BABY SHOWER!? DEVIN NEEDS TO DO THIS FOR ME. SHE NEEDS TO SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Friday, January 11, 2008

SHE TICKLES! lol

My baby is such a silly girl! Sometimes (or should i say MOST of the time) when she move she doesnt hurt me, it's not uncomfortable, it tickles. Or maybe, i'm the one thats silly. lol. I didnt know my insides could be ticklish. lol. sometimes i think she does stuff on purpose if she wants me to talk to her. or at least thats what i tell myself. lol. so i get up and talk to her. we really like to drink juice. OH! and she can taste if i eat something sour,or sweet, or tart. Extreme tastes like that. lol. so i'll eat some fresh spinach with ranch on it and or a really tastey salad with juice and she will kick and roll around like it's nobody's business. lol.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

http://www.pregnancy.org/pregnancy/fetaldevelopment3.php


this week in her development ( week 31) Kira Kat is able to have preferences to music and move to it. lol. that is soooo cute and funny. lol. lemme find out my baby is a movin, groovin , soul machine, ALREADY!

BABY SHOWER

I FEEL SO HURT ABOUT IT. I ALMOST DONT WANT TO HAVE ONE. JUST BECAUSE I KNOW NONE OF MY FRIENDS AND FA,ILY WILL BE THERE. JUST HIS. I WILL BE THERE FEELING SOO UNCOMFORTABLE. I KNOW MY COUSIN CHANEL WILL COME BUT EVERYONE ELES IS TENETIVE. I AM NOT SURE ABOUT. THAT HURTS. THIS WHOLE EXPERINEC HAS BEEN ONE ANNOYING THING AFTER ANOTHER. I CANT HELP BUT FEEL THAT IT WILL ONLY GET WORSE AFTER MY KIRA KAT IS BORN.

Our 1 year anniversary: A YEAR IN REVIEW

I DONT REALLY KNOW HOW I FEEL. ON ONE HAND I FEEL THIS YEAR WITH HIM HAS BEEN WONDERFUL AND I AM HAPPY THAT I KNOW HIM. BUT ON THE OTHER HAND I FEEL HE IS A MONSTER AND I WANT TO GET AWAY FROM HIM. HE NEVER KNOWS WHAT TO SAY OUT HIS MOUTH, AND SOMEHOW IT'S ALWAYS ME BEING OVERLY SENSITIVE. I'M TIRED OF HIS IMMATURITY, HOW TRULY JUVINILE HE CAN ACT AT TIMES. I AM TIRED OF DEALING WITH HIS WRONG THINKING AND THEN HIM TURNING AROUND AND THINKING THAT IT'S RIGHT. AND SAYING TO ME "WELL, I'M NOT CHANGING FOR NOBODY, KESHAI." HOW FUCKIN BULL HEADED CAN YOU BE?? HE NEEDS TO CHANGE, AND NEED'NT BE AFRIAD TO STAND MY GROUND AND LET HIM KNOW THIS. I AM AFRIAD BECAUSE I HAVE FOUND MYSLEF ATTRACTED TO ANOTHER MAN. YES!! A MAN!! HE IS 24 YEARS OLD AND REALLY SWEET. I TRY TO AVOID HIM, BUT I FIND MYSLEF THINKING ABOUT HIM WHEN I'M NOT WORKING, AND WONDERING IF I GET TO WORK WITH HIM THAT DAY. I FEEL SO WRONG. I SHOULD JUST BREAK UP WITH BOYFRIEND TO GET MYSELF TOGETHER. THE MORE BOYFRIEND ANNOYS ME AND PISSES ME OFF THE MORE THE OTHER GUY APPEALS TO ME. I CANT BE THAT CRUDDY THOUGH. I WILL HANG IN HERE. I WONT LEAVE BOYFRIEND FOR ANOTHER GUY. I JUST HOPE BUYFRIEND BEGINS TO LOOK BETTER TO ME. BOYFRIEND SAID SOMETHING REALLY RACIST AND STUPID TO ME THE OTHER DAY, AND TODAY HE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT MY MOM! ARRRGHHHHH! I AM SOO MAD AT HIM. IMAD HIM GET OUT OF MY CAR WHEN HE SAID THE RACIST THING. AND HE REALLY TRIED TO MAKE IT MY FAULT AND MAKE IT LIGHTER AND LIKE I WAS WRONG FOR FEELING HE WAS WRONG! HE TRIED TO SWITCH WHAT HE SAID AROUND. HE KNOWS WHAT HE SAID AND HE KNOW S WHAT HE MEANT. HE REALLY PISSES ME OFF SOMETIMES.

I WONDER WHAT HINGS WILL BE LIKE ONCE KIRA GETS HERE. THE OTHER DAY I WAS SAYING SOMETHING ABOUT HER AND HE SAID 'WELL, I KNOW MORE ABOUT BABIES THEN YOU DO. I HAVE HAD MORE EXPERIENCE IN RAISING BABIES THEN YOU.' EXCUSE THE FUCK OUT OF ME!? WHAT?! YOU BABY SAT A BABY EVERY NOW AND THEN, BUT THERE WERE NEVER ANY LIVE IN BABIES WITH HIM AND HE HAS NEVER HAD ANY CHILDREN. SO HE KNOW JUST AS MUCH IF NOT LESS THEN I DO ABOUT BABIES. AT LEAST I READ SHIT. HE TAKES PRIDE IN THE FACT THAT HE DOESNT READ ANYTHING, AND YET HE STILL THINKS HE KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT EVERYTHING. YET KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT NOTHING. AND HERE I GO BITTING MY TONGUE WHEN IT COME TO HIM AND HIS FEELINGS. I DONT SAY HOW I REALLY FEEL. FUCK THAT SHIT! FUCK HIS FEELINGS, WHAT ABOUT MINE?
MY FEET ARE SO SWOLLEN AND HURT SO BAD FROM WORKING REALLY HARD. I AM PROUD OF MYSELF YET I DREAD GOING INTO THAT PLACE EVERYTIME I HAVE TO BECAUSE I KNOW THE PHYSICAL AND EMTIONAL STRESS AND PAIN THAT JOB PUTS ME THROUGH.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Anxiously Waiting

For the birth of my daughter. I am getting so antsy with anticipation. Only 62 more days to go.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

I wonder

if it is possible to put EVERYTHING good into a child and still have them turn out to be a asshole, as a result of thier enviroment? this is a thought that i hate to think. but i keep on thinking it.