Thursday, August 23, 2007

Just Me

Thinking about a lot of things. Liek how my dad is really getting on my nerves! He's so controlling and i hate it. He wants me / us (Devin and I) to do things HIS way. And he will go to whatever lengths to express that and make it happen. I told him that i didnt want him to talk to me about certaing things, so he sees Devin today and decides to talk to him about those things! What is the difference in talking to me or my boyfriend? All he wanted to do was make his point and whatever cost. That is so annoying to me!

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Nothing Really New

Finally my ultrasound was sent to the dr's office. I may switch dr's before i go see this OB/GYN she seems to be TOO BUSY for me. For some that may be a good thing ( and it is a good sign of a good practice) but i dont want to have to wait a month and a half if i need to be seen. I have concerns about my pregnancy and i REALLY want to get into the dr's office with the quickness. lol. I wish i could go weekly, or every other week. Which i'm sure is WAY to much but yall know how much of a worry wart i am. Devin came by last night. We had fun, it was a good visit i am happy to say. This week I have been hella emotional, and crying over EVERY little thing. I cant to get my car this weekend and my damn BIC MAC! I have wanting a big mac for the longest. Just not right i tell you, not right.

I wonder what i can do to calm myself down form worrying so much. I'm sure it's no good for the munchkin cake inside of me. lol. i'll ask the dr.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Sick and Tired of being Sick and Tired

Think i'll focuse this blog on myself and my deteriorating mental health. I am sooo sick of feeling nauseated and HUNGRY. I am also so sick of being too tired to do anything other then sleep. I could scream if i have to look at that house another day. I want to be out of it. This weekend was a drab one for me. I was able to get some cooking and cleaning done though. Thats always a plus. When i got to the living room room, however, i was too tired and queezy to finnish anything. I am beginning to feel terribly depressed at always feeling sick. I hope this feeling ( depressed) doesnt last too long. I wouldnt want it to effect my baby. I'm trying to force myself to feel happy, but it doesnt work. I am happy that i am pregnant, but not happy i feel so sick all the time. I tried to focuse this blog on myself thinking that it would be more theraputic, but i want o talk about my baby now. lol. I am happy that i have this little life growing inside of me. That is were i am drawing most of my joy and happiness from to keep afloat and to get up to go to work daily and not loose my mind. i think about my baby and i pray on it. i rub my belly , hoping that my baby can feel the warmth of my touch. Hoping that my baby can sense that i would NEVER EVER feel disappointment or depression with him/ her or as a result of him/ her. That i love him/ her with all i have and not to feel sad if mommy is sad.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

My Feelings 8/16

With this child i feel like i will finally be able to finnish something that i have started. I feel so incredibly completed as a women. I dont see how i could have ever thought for a second that abortion was ok or even anything to be thinking of. And for those women who have had them..... god bless them. I know people who condone murder. Thats all it is. Whe u think of how radiply this human grows inside your body , there is no other way to think that it's not a life AT CONCEPTION!

I love my baby so much and i cant wait to meet the person inside of me. I know it can feel how much i love it and howi would already give my life for it. Iwould so sad if anything bad were to happen to me baby. I dont know when/ if i would ever get past it. I cant wait for my next Dr's appointment on Sept 5th. It's in the morning. I'll be going alone. I want to. I have dived back into reading. Thats another thing i do, is read to my baby. This morning i would like to go home and clean all that i can! My house is a mess. I feel so depressed whe i walk through the door. lol. I'm happy i was able to get my hair braided this past weekend. Geesh! I am never cutting it again. But it's so dry now. All i can say is i'm glad it's braided. lol.

So this weeken i will concentrate on getting my birth certificate and my wic. I have decided that i NEED to have a girl. lol. Why? because i am wayyyyy to affectionate to have a boy. I wouldnt dare want ot raise a mama's boy or some crap like that. The thing about it is that no matter what i have i am going to LOVE and kiss rediculously and thats were the whole problem lays. lol.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

8/14/07:Another Day In The Life

My life is incredible. I could write a book and really be in the money. I read a mediocore book called "True to the Game". ok, the moral of it overall was good, but the plot and actual story was not so impressive. One of those watch who u trust type "every black author is writting" books. BORING!! So tired. However, I dont have all negative experiences with my literary adventures here lately read a really good book Saturday called "Push". Evidently I am a bit late on this one and everyone but me has read this book. But besides the author literally writting the ENTIRE book how the illiterate main character actually speaks the book was a wonderful read. Two deffinate thumbs way up.

I have actually been wanting to write a book for quite some time. Never reallynew were to start. I'm guessing that once the baby gets here I will have even more to write about. lol. I pray that the two traits mybaby doesnt have of it's father's is that it wont like to read ( he hates reading , which to me is whats wrong with the ENTIRE black race. But thats for another day), and it wont like it's veggies. I try to read aload to it NOW so that i plant those early seeds of the love for literature it's mama has in it. lol.

Yesturday Devin and I were together. It went surprisingly well. I was happyand not annoyed. hmmm. Today i am looking forward to getting a big mac from McDonalds and pigging out TOTALLY on that. mmmmm. I can taste it already. Baby likes big Macs. lol

Monday, August 13, 2007


Hmmm....The coolest thing i'v EVER seen in my life was seeing my baby on the screen. Heart fluttering, moving around, blood flowing. JUST ALIVE AND HEALTHY! lol. I cried so hard. I could see legs, arms, belly, a BIG head. With cheeks, a mouth, nose and eyes. lol. I'm so in love. I will call my Dr's office today forresults of the scan. For whatever reason the ultra sound tecks couldnt tell me anything about the ultrasound. Just that my baby was there and alive. I was a little annoyed about that, but.....whatever. I'll just call today. They were really sweet girls, made me feel comfortable and relaxed.

Devin and I were together. We argued ALL day about mindless stupid things. I dont know. He's soooo YOUNG to me. It annoys me. Just his thinking on certain issues drive me damn near insane. I dont know how i feel about us anymore. I'm trying my hardest to hang in here with him. Knowing that it's just me and my pregnancy hormones talking and controling my thinking....BUT DAMN something's got to give. lol.

I miss my dad. I really cant believe he hasnt called me. Out of all the people he needs to and hasnt cut out of his life yet, he cuts me out of it QUICKLY. If my familyonly knew howi havechanged towards them. And now him . He was one of my best friends, and now my effections towards myENTIRE family has changed. Things will never be the same between us.

Friday, August 10, 2007

8/10: My Ultrasound is Today

I'm quit excited about it. I cant wait. Maybe when the baby is closer to being born we can have a 3d-4d ultrasound done. I would like that. U can really see what the baby looks like and all. That is amazing to me. I plan on also having my hair braided for the duration of my pregnancy. So that I dont continue looking like a slave child. I will go this Saturday. I wish I could go today and stop looking crazylol. This morning i am supposed to go over Devin's house. I like it over there. I'm excited hopfully all will go well. I wrote him a letter and said that sometimes I think my fuse with him is so short because i dont understand a lot of the ways of how he feels. Even last night when he said things to me on the phone all I could think was "GOD HE IS SOOO YOUNG!"And when i ask him to explain himself he either wont, cant , or doesnt know how himself. So it just makes me terribly angry. Not a good thing.

This weekend I will focuse on
1. Getting my hair braided
2. Getting my birth certificate
3. Opening my saving account

Luckily Devin and I already have one opened for the baby. But i will have my personal one opened for me. Really Devin's mom opened one. And thats the one he wants me to contribute to. He doesnt have access to it or anything. Which is a good thing I guess for him. But Devin is a GROWN ASS MAN and can open his OWN savings account. I am not exactly comfortable with handing my money over to this women for her to save and put in our account as if we/ I am a child. WE will be parents soon. Devin will be a father and she is still babying him. It's ok for her to treat Devin like that ( clearly he's ok with it) but i'm a grown . And I know she's a sweet women, she's so well intentioned. But just because something is well intentioned doesnt make it ok. I am a independent women capable of saving MY own money , for MY own baby, in MY own account. How dare her! That can be between him and his mom but i want no parts of it.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

So MUCH!!!

There is so much that i need to get done this weekend. I have sooooo much on my mind. I dont even feel like being bothered with anyone. I dont know where to start. I dont even know who to talk to . I cant talk to my parent, and i rarely go to Devin. And when I do, he never has nothing to say in response to my issues. So, whats the point. I think this week I will let my phone get cut off and not worry with it. It doesnt do much but bring me stress and the blues anyway. lol. I'll have it cut back on around the time for my baby being due. This weekend I need to:
1. Get my hair done
2. Get my birth Certificate/ maryland state ID/ Social security card
3. start paying off the student loan
4.start paying my credit card bill
5. Open a savings account for a car

I would really like to have a car befor baby gets here. And I am tired of m=not handling my business. From now on out I will be in the library engolfing myself in books and self love. Not much time for parent or boyfriend issues and the blues they all give me. I feel so much preassure from all angles it's not even funny. I told Devin I wanted him to go with me to my ultrasound appointment this Friday ( i'm terribly excited about that). I hope he acts properly and immature. Hopefully he wont totally annoy me . lol. Poor thing, I think i should distance myself from him for a while. Cause, LITARALLY EVERYTHING he says and almost everything he does getson my nerevs to the point that i just want him gone out of my life sometimes. Thats a terrible way to feel about someone who is just being themself. And i'm sorry that i do. But we were on the phone yesturday and i almost wanted to cry because i was just THAT annoyed. lol. He doesntdeserve that. He's a sweet boy. And i would like to go to the movies this weekend also. Hmmmmm. so much to do , so little time. lol.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007


I'm still alive and kicking. Last night He came over. It was fun after all was said and done. We talked about some things. He wasnt on my nerve as much. He told that he's expecting for me to get annoyed easily for the next few months. lol. Thats cool I, guess. As long as he deals with me "accordingly" and realizes that I'm not myself. I do feel Oh! So! Emotional! But thats life right? I do love him.

Been taking my vitamins like i should. Last night at work I was pretty sleepy but some ofthose early pregnancy symptoms are beginning to subside. Boy, am I greatful for that. I had a dream but i cant remember what it was about. I'll have a good day today. On the news there is another story about ANOTHER lady who microwaved her child. I wonder what makes people do something sooo Demonic. Is post pardom depression THAT BAD? I cant imagin hurting my little jelly bean. lol. It's so special to me already.

Monday, August 6, 2007

My Dr's Visit

Went well this Friday. I will be seeing Dr. Harroway from here on out though ( pout, pout). I had the craziest dream. I have been having a lot of those lately. They have been REALLY scarry dreams concerning my baby and me. Like last night i dreamt that for some reason I wasnt holding her the correct way on my lao and she was slidding out of me, and to stop her from falling on the floor i grabbed her by her FACE and picked her up by her HEAD and corrected her position. I dreamt that I was being robbed ( car jacked actually) and they wouldnt let me get my baby out of the car . I was trying frantically to pull her out but i was un able to . I woke up panting and half out of my mind. I hope this is a symptom that will pass. I also was able to get my pre natal vitamins. I startde taking them. And have decided that i will then every morning at 8 am when i get in from work.

I feel really irritable though. I need to clean my house, and handle some business. This weekend comming will a no nonsence type of weekend. Handling my business.

Friday, August 3, 2007

I am so Nervous!!!

About being a mommy. Sooooo may concerns and fears are bottled up in my heart. Especially since i feel terribly alone. i feel alone because i dont have MY familia. Devin has his which will help him to raise this baby how THEY want it raised, but what about me. Certain things about the way him and his family are i dont want my child around. Certain prejudices, stereotyping, and other things that i dont want my baby to be COMPLLETLY exposed to. But how can i undo what they put in my child's head after every visitwhen it is JUST ME. I have no help, no mentors ( beside Chanel , but who can contact her, she has a life of her own), I dont even know how i feel aboutmost issues. I know i need to get back in the Kingdom Hall where i belong. That would probably help a lot. It's so hard to restart once u'v stopped, and being afraid of folks doesnt help niether. You know what?? NO! This is what i said i would not do. I said i would not be afraid of people because thats not how i want my baby to be! I want her to hold her head up high inspite of what people think or say. So, this Sunday i will march myself into that Hall and SIT. Back straight, head high, feet forward. I owe it to my child to raise him/ her serving the TRUE god. My child can make thier own mind up when the time is right about choosing his or her own religion, but at least they will know what i feel is the truth. and what Jehovah's Witnesses TEACH as a whole is the truth to me.

8/3/07 TODAY

I have a Dr's appointment. I have neglected to go prior to this. Fear paralyzes me i guess. I lie and tell me family and friends ( even Devin , the father) thati havnt gone because i have tired or not feeling well. WOW. Truth is, that once i start this stuff it's sooo OFFICIAL. Lol. I guess it was official when the Dr. confirmed i was preggos a couple weeks ago. What you think? lol. It still just feels so strange to me. Not to mention straight up nauseating.

I cant wait to meet my baby. I hold a pair a socks I brought for her/ him and pray next to them every day. I just pray that i am not doing/ havnt done anything that could jepordise or ruin my child's health. I have read and heard so many horror stories or women who have had simple urinary infections that have landed there babies in the NICU. I do need to drink more water. I cant wait to hear what the Dr says today. I'll keep you all posted. although i dont think anyone reads my blogs. lol

Thursday, August 2, 2007

Is this happening??? NOT TO ME this stuff is AMAZING!!! I'm someone's mommy?? Me?

Double Pink Lines: July 15, 2007

This was the day i fell so deeply in love with a person. i never thought i'd feel this way for someone i'v never even met before, never kissed, or held. Frm the moment i saw the double pink lines.

I had been feeling quite "weird" and since my monthly cycle has never been late, skipped, or sketchy ( it's never done anything weird but come lol) my inner intuitions had already spoken to me. I must admitt that i never prayed to not be pregnant. I just prayed for general things concerning a pregnancy.

I took the test. Two colored lines appear. WOW! Where do I from here? All of a sudden I feel complete. Like a REAL WOMEN. I have something/ someone to live for, die for, breathe for. Nothing eles matters to me. Noone eles matters to me. I have to be strong, I know i have to be a soldier to raise a soldier, rather it be male or female. All I want is to touch my baby. All I do is cry. Cry because i have chosen to help perform a miracle inside of me. I have soo much work ahead of me. So much preperation.