Tuesday, November 27, 2007

25 weeks pregnant! 105 days to go:

I am so nervous and scared. I get these fluttery nervous ( butterflies in my stomach) feeling. I am worried about giving birth premature. The factors that i am worried about with this is that i have had for my entire pregnancy and am having high stress levels, i'm anemic, and i work on my feet a lot. So i told my second job that i would still like to work my 24 hours a week which would NORAMLLY be 8 hours per day on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. but so that i wont have to stand onmy feet for 8 hours straight i want just 4 hours a day for 6 days. Fri-Wed mornings. That wont be too bad. and i will be able to come home and sleep.

Yesturday i was really nervous because i was having these pains in my lower abdomen. Like sore to touch pains. My next baby appointment is next tuesday. I cant wait for that. i will be able to talk to my dr face to face about all of my concerns. I have to remember to write them all down. I really need to get back on top of things far as getting a bigger apartment goes. Now i just dont have the time. lol.

I did my hair tonight while at work. i do feel a lot better about that. Cant wait to get my nails done again so that i can show off.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Just writting

This weekend was quit the interesting one. I went to thanksgiving dinner with Devin's family. it was interesting. The women were nice but his uncles were stand offish. Thats just them. When i tried to tell this to Devin of course i was the wrong and crazy one. Well, not in those word exactly, but he didnt feel my feeling about them were even understandable. He didnt sympathise with me at all. I miss my family and how we are. Happy, loud and bubbly! He said he wouldmt like being around people like that. Of course not. He doesnt like anything nice. He wants people to step on his toes when we go to public places, he doesnt want people (family) ro be bubbly and happy. Just ignorant. He likes stuff ghetto. I dont understand him. Some more stuff went down this weekend. For one, when i got paid i bought some things that i NEEDED for the house. A vacuum cleaner, clothse detergent ect. When i got done all that i had like 60.00 dollars left. I was salty because i wanted to get my nails done or my hair but i wouldnt be able to . Si Devin said well, this is what i will do, you can wash youclothse at my house so that you can at least get your nails done. So i go to his house put my clothse in the washer and go to get my naisl done. Evidently he told hismom that i wanted to SAVE the money i was going to use to wash my clothse. So when we came in the house from going to get my nails done his mom sats to Devin "you cant be saving too much money if you are going to get your nails done." He came and told me what she said. and i was HEATED!! Because 1.she doesnt know what i am saving or notsaving. She doesnt know my finances. If i chose to save 40.00 for the baby and get my nails done with 20 that is my choice. 2. If you ae going to let me use your washer and dryer do it out of the kindness of your heart. Not so that you can feel what you want me do with my money is mundain. And i'm even more upset because or course with Devin there wasnt a understanding ear. He didnt say "Ki you are WRONG" But he also wasnt understanding and sympathetic. He was on his mom's side the whole time. He never stands behind me. I could see if i only had one job or was lazy. But i work two jobs so that i can be able to get my hair done or my nails doneand still save. I'm not on Welfare, i'm not a dead beat. Devin makes me feel bad because i want to get my nals done. This is MY money that i work hard for . I'm not spending HIS. or his MOM'S. If i want to get my nails done i shouldnt have to feel bad about it. So his mom gave us a talk about money. I was ANGRY. I will never ask her for money, i will never use her washer and dryer again. I dont know what would make me thnk it was ok to do that. I know she doesnt like me. I talked to my dad, he was understanding. Devin makes me angry bevause no matterwhat i do there is room for him to pick at me and for me to be wrong. My decisions are never ok. There is always something wrong with it.

This weekend i was thinking or telling him i need a break. He told me, " YOu always think about breaking up with me when you DO stuff thats wrong and i dont even think of breaking up with you, i just say stuff that's wrong." Ok, yes i have toldmy best friend about some of our problems, i was wrong for that. But i havnt in awhile. And he does do stuff. Not standing by my side, not being understanding, immaturity, i'm always wrong. Sometimes i want to do this alone until she gets here. i'm not saying it's a long time, just until Kira is born. I really need understanding support right now. If i were alone i wouldnt need to explain myself, i could save what i want. Do what i want with my money. I wouldmt be angry. I wouldnt be sad cause he doesnt understand me.

I didnt break up with him. And i know i wont, i love him too much and he is a beautiful person, just annoying as hell. lol. God bless us.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Hmmmm I Feel Sad

A friend of mine is going through a ruckuss and i hate feeling unable to help. Not to mention that i dont think she wants my help. I feel sad because i dont have anyone to really confide in. i am pregnant and I am going through a rough time and I have noone by my side. Dont get me wrong. i am not exspecting the world to spot turning because KiKi is pregnant. But what would it hurt to ge a little extra love. It seems like all my friends are only concerned with themselves. And here again, i'm not saying that everyone should be concerned soly with me, but i thought friends were supposed to help one another out. I have one friend, when she calls me it's all about her life and her problems and another who says (in a nut shell) who says you have drama and i cant be bothered with anyone eles drama but my own right now and turns around and spills her guts to me about her life. And her spilling her guts is not a problem, lord knows the women is going through right now but what about me. Cant we all just help and lean upon one another. Devin always makes me feel i am wrong for how I feel. Or even if I know i am wrong he can be sooo unconsoling at times. He doesnt mean to be. He is just very black and white and right and wrong. And if I am WRONG I'm WRONG and there is no consoling me through my problems. That hurts. For noone to be in my corner during my pregnancy is annoying! Oh well. Someone told me life is such and such is life. I 'll just have to deal. here again this will help me be a lot more independent. My baby is much consolation to me. I never thought it true when my friends and family with children would tell me that when they see there babies and they are going through a problem that problems seems so much better with the presence of their child. Just thinking of Kira makes my life better. She's my life saver. No she's more like a Hersey's Kiss. lol

Sunday, November 11, 2007


with a vengence!lol. ok this may be a TMI but i promised that i would write EVERYTHING during my pregnancy. And while i felt it wasnt needed to mention that it left or not so much LEFT as is it just didnt really increase or decrease. but this is sooo drastic because i have just jumped from hum drum normal to HOT HORNY MaMa! lol. I swear i must have jumped on him 17 times today. lol. ok not really 17 but at least 5. And we made love for like 6 hours. It was amazing. And i do love him oh so much. that makes it better.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

To My daughter : Akira (cupiecake)

Do you know me? Do you know who I am? Do you know how I love you. I cant wait to hold you in my arms, to kiss you, and look into your eyes. An angel and a gift from god is what you are. Special and irriplacable is what you mean. I cant wait to come home to you, pick you up and love you. I promise you my life, I promise you my love and attention. I know you are beautiful inside and out. My sweet , sweet baby girl.

He Makes me Angry, but......

I love him. Yeah thats so cliche' and i hate writting it. But it's so true for me. He can be the most annoying, childish person i know and turn around and be the sweetest most mature person i know. At the end of the day Devin is my heart and means the world to me. I know we struggle , but he works hard and is kind. He's important and special to me. lol

Monday, November 5, 2007

Akira RYEquell???? WHAT?!?!

I tought of Akira, Devin thought of Riequell. hmmmm. Yeah, that's right. What is supposed to be Raquell has been changed to be pronounced in the most GHETTO, HORRIBLE fashion EVER. Do you understand what i am saying? Do you understand how he wants this name pronounced?RYE- QUELL! Like fuckin RYE bread! What the hell is that? And everytime i say Raquell he corrects me and makes me say it the other ghetto way. And today he hauled off and said that he was spelling it so that it looks like RYEQUELL. God, I hate it, i hate it, i hate it!!! I told him how ghetto it is. And how much i HATE it, but it doesnt matter to him because Akira is half his child too. He LIKES ghetto. I dont know why. He's not FROM the ghetto, nor does he ACT ghetto. How can he see ghetto as a GOOD thing? Thats like liking hillbilly, or fuckin redneck style. And seeing that as being ok. Then he went on to say that with our second girl he is naming her Devin. Now, mind you, when we were trying to think of boy names and i wanted him to be a Sr. and have a Devin jr he HATED the idea. Said no all around. But then, for some dumb ass reason he LIKES Devin for a GIRL??? A GIRL????!!! How is that ok? I dont understand. He makes absolutely no sense to me. And he's not backing down or compromising about ANYTHING! Sometimes his thinking is so ANNOYING. We were talking the other day about some aspect of raising Akira and EVERYTHING he says is just immature and WRONG! And how I KNOW it's NOT just ME is because i ask other people there opinion on the matters we discuss. Other mature people. Like our parents. And they all feel how I do. It's not about me being vindicated or anything. It's about what right and wrong and right and healthy for our child. But he's OFF somewhere/ somehow. He told me the other day that he would not be so head strong about Akira when she gets here, that he would back back about a lot of issues. But i dont see that happening at all. Just based off of the conversation we had tonight. He's not going to. I know that we are going to be at odds with one another and this hurts so bad. I told him the other night that sometimes i feel like After Akira gets here we will be at each other's throat so much and I will eventutally tire of hearing his defensive, immature mouth that I will leave. By myself. I know i would come back and probably wouldnt be for long but i see myself getting to that point. I would feel like " well, you raise her!". I know me. But I also know that at the same time I couldnt leave my baby. That would be selfish reasons and I would miss her terribly. but i would leave to clear my head. or i would take her with me. God i'm nervous. I wonder what this is going to do to us when she is born. I wonder how it will effect her. It cant effect her, i wont let it. She wont know, it's none of her business.