Thursday, December 20, 2007

A Hard Week

This week has been rather difficult for me. It wont get any better for me any time soon, so i mine as well get used to it. lol. I have been working pretty hard, really long shifts and not sleeping as much. Not to mention all the crap i have on my mind has been oober draining. i have been crying off and on for two days. and this is the first time i have not told a soul what is wrong. i figured i would just write it and whomever would like to read it , be my guess. i don't mind sharing my personal business with you all as long it helps you out in some way shape of form. lol.
1. a friend of mine and i got into it a little. I am not too much worried about it anymore. i was at first, at first i had knots in my stomach, i was crying and felt really sick. But i was mad at myself for feeling sad and weak. I can get over the situation that transpired. But i cant get over how i dealt with it. I HATE how i dealt with it. I dealt with it by crying and being upset and backing down. i didn't curse and tell her what i REALLY wanted to (which was to call her all types of bitches). I bite my tongue and made myself cry and be all upset to spare her feelings, but i dont think she did that to me. And this is what always happens. I am always trying to care so much and spare people's feelings when , which makes me weak and not a fighter. I didnt want to hurt her feelings, but i held back. something i should not have done when i felt it was not being being done for me. I told myself i would no longer be this way. i told myself that, for my daughter i would be strong and formidable, and not back down from an argument or hold my tongue or allow people to do or say what they want. I told myself, i was no longer going to be intimidated by no man, women, child, or beast. And that is exactly what i was. i was intimidated. i feel scared and sad these past few days and i know my baby could feel that. that is not a trait of mine i want her to have. i dont want her to back down. i want to be strong, opinionated and not intimidated by anyone. come what may, if you feel you will loose a friend or your life, loose it STRONG and SURE OF YOURSELF, knowing that you are not wrong or scared.
2. My mom really yelled at me yesterday morning and i cried about that too. I just hate how she talks to me sometimes. it's like she wants to have a reason to yell at me, or make me less like a person, and i backed down. i CRIED! She yelled at me and i CRIED! I should have yelled back! I should have been strong. Because i did not disrespect her. If I have not disrespected a person i don not expect to have it done to me. i will NOT be disrespected or intimidated by ANYONE. I just wish it was as easy for me to do as it is for me to type. i know that in both situations i was not SO wrong as to deserve the treatment that i got and that is what bothers me. i took it and cried about it. i took it sitting down, i just plan old took it. i don't want that for my baby girl. she cant be that way.
Dont get me wrong i wont raise a bitch, but i will raise someone a lot less intimidated then i am.
3.i haven't really stood up for myself with boyfriend's family. And i can tell already that their will be hell to pay if i do not. i will be walked all over if i don't learn to talk up for myself while dealing with them. his mom will keep saying shit, and disrespecting me behind my back and i need to nip in the bud.

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