Sunday, December 21, 2008

What I Went Through This Summer: COMMING CLEAN

ok so this summer and basically for the past 6 mos or so i have been really struggling with some personal issues and one of them being my hair. i am not afraid to share this part of my life with u all because i feel as though i have triumphed over it and i feel much better now. but being a new mom and having a TOTALLY new life then what i am used to really took it's tole on me and my appearence. i would set goals for myself and not accomplish them therfore feeling like a failure and not wanting to document that i DIDNT. but i feel as though if i humble share my life and my triumphs with whomever may come accross my lil blog i may impact him/ her somehow. after all isnt this the whole premise of BOTH of my blogs?? so we will take a small journey back 6 mos and i will update u on my natural hair hurt, pain, and undieing LOVE!!

after i had my daughter , i began to feel really down on myself. feeling unpretty, sad and generally ill. it wasnt a good time for me. so in my post pardum frenzzy i PERMED MY HAIR!! i was feeling like i wanted to feel pretty. and i just looked and felt really DRY and ugly to myself with my natural hair. the perm lasted for 2 weeks. because during that two weeks i thought of and hated what i had become. i hated my mindset. i thought i had grown as a natural women. i thought that after 4 years of being 100% natural that i had grown past the twisted mentality that permed hair = beauty. and that i would be attractive to my fiancee and myself if i had permed hair. now, no, i am in no way AGAINST perms. i am not the natural that bashes and hates permed women. i hate the MENTALITY of MOST permed women and most black people in america. the mentality that permed or straight hair = beauty, being attractive , and you feeling sexy. if u feel as though : " my natural hair is BEAUTIFUL and i am just as beautiful with my natural hair as i am with my permed hair but i CHOOSE to get a perm because it is my PERSONAL PREFFERENCE." but there is something wrong if u do not feel as if having permed hair is just ur PREFERENCE and THAT it is just as beautiful as permed hair. and this is what i was struggling with post giving birth. it never showed its UGLY face until after i had my daughter. i was going through a lot of confidence and self esteem issues. so it took me having to perm my hair and feeling/ thinking/ LITERALLY screaming "WHAT HAVE I DONE to myself!!!" for me to realize that permed hair was not the answer for me EVER agin in LIFE. I HATED IT! i wanted nothing more then to feel ME again and to fall in love with WHO I AM NATURALLY. i had to stay tru to myself and i realized that for me, my confidence and self esteem issues went much deeper then just having PERMED HAIR. it was that i needed to convince MYSELF that i AM beautiful. i am beautiful TO ME! and it LITERALLY doesnt matter what ANYONE says, feels, or thinks of me. and yes it took me 23 years to realize this. i was feeling unattractive to my fiance devin. and after i permed my hair he said to me "i never told you to perm your hair and i do think ur pretty.blah blah blah...some more stuff." but at the end of the day it didnt take him SAYING "i dont think you are pretty keshai." cause he NEVER did. i dont see him admiring natural women. when i ask him if he thinks a natural women is pretty it's ALWAYS " no! her hair looks like SHIT!" or some other ignorant crap. but he is attracted to permed women. he has told me that he doesnt like natural hair. and things like that fucked with my confidence. because i was natural and ALREADY feeling ugly post pardum. so i felt like "how can he be attracted to me if i have what he hates??" so i began to absorb his twisted mindset and the mindsets of most blacks in america. so in the 6 mo after kira's birth my twisted self esteem, confidence and mental condition began to eat away and dwindle at the reasons y i was natural, it ate away at the reason y i was a queen and BEAUTIFUL to myself and had felt fine for so many years as a natural. i didnt believe it anymore. so i back tracked into thinking that if i permed my hair i would become beautiful to him and to myself. he would look at me and see my hair and think i was JUST AS PRETTY/ MORE BEAUTIFUL then the women walking down the street or on the tv screen. i was so so so wrong! i realized that i had problems. that if i let a man and society control me and my mental state to the point that i would back track into something i HATED I HAD ISSUES FAR GREATER THEN JUST HAIR! and far greater then HIS ignorance:
1. being my confidence and self esteem. no matter what any man ,women, kid or WHOMEVER says or thinks it needed to stay in tact and strong. kat williams put it comically and ever so lightly when he said : (in a high pitched female voice) "u fucked with my self esteem." " BITCH! how i fuck with YOUR self esteem?? that aint got nothing to do with ME. IT'S THE ESTEEM of YOUR mutha fuckin SELF!!! How i fuck with how YOU feel ABOUT YOU?!?!" how true he is!
2. being sted fast and STRONG in MY beliefs. come WHATEVER, hell or high waters. i believe what i want and hold true to my values.

so i knew i needed to self medicate. self love. first i did research again on natural hair and its care, it beauty and reasons y it's the better choice for me. i looked up pics of pretty styles and did all the things i did when i went natural 4 years ago that helped to develop my love of natural hair in the first place. then i began to take better care of me. i mean how can i take care of poots if i dont take care of me first?? so thats what i was dealing with these past few months far as my hair is concerned. along with general issues of dealing with anger, depression, and problems in my life that would rise. but i am getting better now. and have decided to pick back up where i left off far as documenting this hair thing i looove

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