Wednesday, September 24, 2008

THIS WEEK I FEEL CRAPPY

and i dont ever remember feeling this way for so long, not even when i was pregnant. i never feel so down on myself. but i just feel a negtive energy following me. idk what it is but i feel scared, and ugly. this is terrible. what i'm thinking is that it may be time for me to do a detox of my system. because my house is clean and has been staying pretty clean lately so i dont know why i have been feeling so blah lately. it has to be my body. i mean literally i have been having nightmares, terrible violent thoughts, and anxiety. just scared and ugly. and i feel gulity for feeling this way because i have poots. i feel like she should be all i need to make me feel happy and fulfilled. but really it has nothing to do with her. its a personal battle. but i just feel like she shouldnt be exposed to this side of me. like even as i type now i'm crying. i'm sick of this shit. i sure hope i aint pregnant again. like earlier this evening i was watching t.v with devin and we were watching MAKING THE BAND . there was a scene in the show between Dawn and Que. he had gotten a hotel room and decked it all out with rose pedals, wine, and abubbles in the bath for her. then he sang YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL to her. and i started to cry! wtf? i just remember feeling this way when i was pregnant. i mean if i am....i cant say that i'm COMPLETELY opposed. i know. call me stupid. like with all the shit i already have going on in my life, including a baby already, i really need another. mmmm...

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

*hugs* i tried im'n you.