Thursday, April 16, 2009

PEOPLE

will TRY u. They will try to get the best of u and challenge u. They will annoy, be heartless, bull headed, stubborn, close minded, cruel, thinking they know everything. People can literally make you forget who you are and what u are striving for. THey do things to dissapoint u, and make u wonder y. the relationship u have with PEOPLE will even challenge your relationship with god, making u do, be, and say things displeasing to him. making u depressed. all that bull. there is a place for everyone. i think that i want to get to a point where the only person that can bother me and put me in a bad mood is Poots. or the only thing that bothers me or puts me in a bad mood is if i have dont something displeasing to god. because those two entities are all that matter to me. Because if u allow what people do or say to dictate how u feel inside u will NEVER be happy. u will ALWAYS be dissapointed or angry inside.
i guess too, that it depends on the type of people u are around. if u are around spiritual like minded people then they will build u up. i wish devin and kieth were spiritual. i have instituted a new rule in the house of no cursing. and especially when we are talking to one another we will respect one another, not curse at one another, or cut each other off. well, kieth doesnt seem to UNDESTAND where HE falls into these categories. talking to him is like talking to a...a...i dont even KNOW. but he is a know-it-all, that knows NOTHING! and when u try to talk to him, its just sooo difficult. i cant even describe it. we were talking tonight and the whole convo got on my nerves. it was like walking on a treadmill, where u walk and walk , and walk but u get no where. and my spirit was just soooooo at unrest when i got off the phone i just couldnt take it. i thin about alll day today. interactions that i have had with devin and others and how they have effected me. i cried today, i didnt even pray. mmmmm. i just am beginning to feel that people arent worth it. i get more grief from, my mom, devin, and kieth, it makes me gag. and whats sad is that i am the one sad and crying and upset, and they have gone on bout thier day and not giving a fuck abot me and how they have talked to me, annoyed me, not seen things from my perspective. but its not just family i am fed up with. its people in general. they are sick, and heratless, and i cant take being around them. i cant take allowing them to control how i feel and making me feel bad. when devin is being annoying, when kieth is being condenscending and overly sensitive, when my mom is yelling at me, and THEY ALL NEVER think its them, i will not fret. lol. ill draw my strength from god and stay calm, stay at peace. because they cant give me life or take it from me. they dont have the power jehovah does. lol. they dont deserve what jehovah does.
today was a eventful day. i got paid. blah. thats how i feel about that. i dont have money to get my oild changed. and now my check engine light is on. i will ask my mom if she can pay for me to get one. i'll try to find some money from somewhere. maybe devin's parents. idk. i prayed b4 i got paid that i not feel sad about my check, and not worry about things. so i did what i had to do and kept moving. i bought filling foods from the grocery store to last us. i just dont feel sad about it. my only worry now is that i can find some money to get a oil change. i really dont want my car to break.
i have been thinking about my decisions with money. and how bad they have been. when we got our taxes i should have paid off the car, and paid for school. but i didnt. i have nothing to show for it. i could have paid for school and the car and not be struggling right now. but i blew it all. such a dumb decision. i will be better next time. i will make better decisions. but now i just peace of mind in dealing with the consequenses of my bad decisions. something inside of me ALMOST wants to get depressed about it all. but i did it to myself. and there is no need in crying over spilled milk. so from now on, it is all about holding my head up, and dealing wisly with the results of the bad desicions i have made. u live and u learn

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