My Financial Woes

i need to just calm down. pray and keep my mouth closed until this feeling passes by me. i am thinking about our current financial situation. i need to keep in prayer and upliftment because i see myself wanting to deteriorate. i know i was wrong for barrowing so much money from sam, but i am tired of living check to check, not having ANY money to do ANYTHING with. i could have a should have used that money wiser. i apologize. i will admitt this to him, when i get in the house. but at the same time, i feel as though he could be doing SOOOO much more to find a job. His parents got him a bus pass this past week to look for a job....he didnt use it once. i am holding down this house by MYSELF. ALONE. WHY? I know god sees me, i know he hears me, and will deliver me from this. i know he will make my way. i just need to calm down, and meditate on better days. i get down on myself, about moneys, when i think of akira. i think about how this week, i will not be able to get food for the house, more then likely. what if she were older and not stuff bf'ing. how would i feed her? how would I her MOTHER FEED her?? im not talking about her grandparents, or other people. HOW WOULD I MAKE IT, INDEPENDENTLY? i think about when devin did have a job, all he paid for was his half of the rent and his half of the gas and electric. EXACTLY, nothing more, nothing less. no food help, no gas help, no baby stuff help. and while he paid his half of his stuff FAITHFULLY, why was it like THAT? and when i didnt have money or whatever, i was getting a lecture. and even now in a our current situation, i get lectures, even thought im the only one holding down our house. i spent money wrong this time, but i wanted to. a little lead way.