Monday, July 14, 2008

7/14 :This weekend



was fun. on thursday me, devin, and his little sister Aerica went to the mall. i did i a lil retail therapy for my troubled week or two i have been having. lol. i bought a REALLY cute little black dress for 10 bucks. and yes i wore it all weekend. it's my new favorite dress. i dont have a any little black dresses. plus it's thin and backless (holter actually) so it's really cool. I bought a few things from Claires. lol. i havnt been there since i was like 14. it's a nice store. got some earrings and hair clips. lol. i picked up a few perfumes from Bath & Body works. and i got my ears peirced. up the top. in the cardilagde. i liked it so much that the next day i went back and got another one. lol. it's OOBER cute. i think i'm going to keep my hair short to show them off. it looks really good with my earrings. the only thing i didnt like was poots got really sleepy, hungry and began to cry in the mall. well, devin and aerica wanted to get something to eat. so i was gonna take her and sit in the car and nurse her. but aerica got mad and said "no keshai, make her wait. she has to learn to wait. because when she gets older she gonna DEMAND that u feed her RIGHT then AND THERE! and she cant be spoiled like that. and a blah blah blah." so i was thinking to mmyself "when u r hungry dont u eat? u dont wait and say well i need to learn patience and shit. no when u are hungry to stand ur ass in the line (like u r now)and eat. i dont have a problem with getting my child something to eat immediately when she asks it of me. thats what i should do! not say "no wait." thats fuckin stupid." I gently took my baby and we went to the car and i fed her. well the this is a good transition to my next day which was Friday because that day is the day devin and i got into a argument about poots crying. him and his family have this phylosophy to NEVER pick a child up. if she is scrared, teething and sore, sleepy it DOESNT matter. NEVER picke her up and OH! if she DOES cry (because she's not a FUCKIN INFANT and thats what they do) it's because she's spoiled. they act like it's the MOST terrible thing in the world if poots cry and that i as her mother should hear and nomy child is uncomfortable and sad about something and just let her BAWL her eyes out. no i dont mean like when she's just being whinny and wants a lil attention and she has to wait a few minutes for me to finnsh my hair or some shit....i mean HARD, CHOKING, BALLING! I am NOT supposed to get my baby. THE HELLLL!!!! devin says "well, do u want her all under ur ass all the time. i dont want her all up under me all the time." well, u know what?! I dont have a problem with my child being with me "under my ass." i dont mind her at all. we are together all the time ANYWAY. NOBODY EVER has to watch my baby. I AM FINE with having her. i would rather be with her ANY day or being with ANYONE eles at ANY time. the only thing i ask of devin is that he watch her for a few minutes while i shower or something. and he cant do that. i get out the fuckin shower ans she still aint changed and crying her heart out. he dont have to HOLD her if he doesnt want to pick her up but damn ENTERTAIN her. make her laugh. she likes that. who the fuck wants to sit there and cry and be sad. one day he made a mistake and made a loud noise and it scared her and she jumped and started crying, i went to go pick her and console my poots. he told me no, to leave her alone. i almost lost it. i had to leave to stop myslef from flipping out. he said "nobody ever picked me up when i was scared. and everytime she gets scared we arent going to be there to console her." my heart hurt so bad. i picked her up and kissed her cheeks. I WILL BE THERE! even if i am not physically there she can come home and tell me about it and i will hold her til she's better. talk her through it. no matter how big or small she is. so any back to our argument, friday afternoon poots couldnt fall asleep and we were over his parents house. i thought that she was sleepy so i let her cry for a few when she's like that just to see if she flakes off tp sleep after a couple minutes. sometimes she does. but this particular day she just wanted me to lay with her and nurse her like how we always do together. but we were there and i felt preassured into just letting her cry. but i couldnt just stand there and not help her. it hurt me tooo bad so i left. went to the store and when i came back poots was still crying. i thought "fuck this" and went to my child picked her up and nursed her. she was sleep in 5 MINUTES TOPS! lol. well anyway when i walked back through the door devin was mad at me i said "what wrong with u?" "i'm mad because u left" "what? i'm not allowed to leave?" "u left because she was crying" "so? i didnt want to hear her crying. but yall have this thing where she is supposed to cry herself to sleep andi couldnt take it." "u dont leave BECAUSE she is crying" "why?! do i have to LIKE the fact that she's crying and listen to it" "no i dont like to hear her crying niether. but as a parent u cant leave if she's crying " "i dont understand...u want me to leave her sit there and not pick her up when she cries, i didnt want to HEAR her. i'm wrong cause i didnt want to hear her?" "no it was ur REASON. u left BECAUSE was crying." am i wrong? cause i STILL dont fuckin get it. so u know what i concluded? nobody has to watch my baby or be around her w/o me. since they all have such a problem with her crying. u know. she can go over my moms house all night and day and be perfect. with me she's perfect when we go to family outtings shes perfect. but as soon as she gets over there she cries. have they ever thought that maybe she doesnt like it there? its strange to me that thats the ONLY place pretty much that she cries. so fuck it. fuck everyone. i concluded that i have to do what is best me and my child. if rocking her to sleep gets her to go faster so that i can get some rest during the day then i will do just that. if rocking her to sleep will console her and make her feel better i will do that. there is nothing wrong with rocking a baby. picking them up when they cry. i have read and heard in MANY places that u cannot spoil a child by doing these things. now, when i read a scientific study that proves other wise i will continue to do this. and noone has to deal with her but me. so that was the beginning of friday. later around 4 me. devin, and aerica went and picked my coworker/ friend from work (she works a diffent shift then i). now proor to the past couple of months we were never close. we arent now but its getting better. i do her hair and shit. well her and a few of our other co workers used to be really close i guess and they did a lot of shit together. well while we were out my coworker told me everything that they did/ do. evrything that they talked about me to her and set me and shit. FUCKIN BITCHES. my mom raised me not to approach people(the reason y is beyond me. she's says its not worth it. it seems pretty damn worth it o me. i want to approach them soooo bad. and the only reason y i am not is because i promised coworker i wouldnt. she told me a lot of stuff. she even told me about the shit she did. she apologised. and said she was just running with the crowd and being a follower in the beginning. thats admirable that she straightened things out with me. Saturday we just got a pizza and watched a movie "why did i get married" it was cute. devin didnt want to watch it but i had fun. Sunday there was this thing in the local park called POETS IN THE PARKS/HAPPY NAPPY DAY. A local annual event that takes place in the park that has local artist and vendora that sell thier products and services. it was fun. out in the sun eatting jerk chicken,beans n rice, plantain and cabbage. mmmmm..drinking pineapple juice. all kinds of sweet heavenly goodness. lol poots and i walked around and danced to the music and smelled sweets. we looked at the earrings and felt soft material. it was fun. i love spending time with her. especially at cultural events like that. later the latin fest is comming up. i'll take her.

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