Thursday, January 10, 2008

Our 1 year anniversary: A YEAR IN REVIEW

I DONT REALLY KNOW HOW I FEEL. ON ONE HAND I FEEL THIS YEAR WITH HIM HAS BEEN WONDERFUL AND I AM HAPPY THAT I KNOW HIM. BUT ON THE OTHER HAND I FEEL HE IS A MONSTER AND I WANT TO GET AWAY FROM HIM. HE NEVER KNOWS WHAT TO SAY OUT HIS MOUTH, AND SOMEHOW IT'S ALWAYS ME BEING OVERLY SENSITIVE. I'M TIRED OF HIS IMMATURITY, HOW TRULY JUVINILE HE CAN ACT AT TIMES. I AM TIRED OF DEALING WITH HIS WRONG THINKING AND THEN HIM TURNING AROUND AND THINKING THAT IT'S RIGHT. AND SAYING TO ME "WELL, I'M NOT CHANGING FOR NOBODY, KESHAI." HOW FUCKIN BULL HEADED CAN YOU BE?? HE NEEDS TO CHANGE, AND NEED'NT BE AFRIAD TO STAND MY GROUND AND LET HIM KNOW THIS. I AM AFRIAD BECAUSE I HAVE FOUND MYSLEF ATTRACTED TO ANOTHER MAN. YES!! A MAN!! HE IS 24 YEARS OLD AND REALLY SWEET. I TRY TO AVOID HIM, BUT I FIND MYSLEF THINKING ABOUT HIM WHEN I'M NOT WORKING, AND WONDERING IF I GET TO WORK WITH HIM THAT DAY. I FEEL SO WRONG. I SHOULD JUST BREAK UP WITH BOYFRIEND TO GET MYSELF TOGETHER. THE MORE BOYFRIEND ANNOYS ME AND PISSES ME OFF THE MORE THE OTHER GUY APPEALS TO ME. I CANT BE THAT CRUDDY THOUGH. I WILL HANG IN HERE. I WONT LEAVE BOYFRIEND FOR ANOTHER GUY. I JUST HOPE BUYFRIEND BEGINS TO LOOK BETTER TO ME. BOYFRIEND SAID SOMETHING REALLY RACIST AND STUPID TO ME THE OTHER DAY, AND TODAY HE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT MY MOM! ARRRGHHHHH! I AM SOO MAD AT HIM. IMAD HIM GET OUT OF MY CAR WHEN HE SAID THE RACIST THING. AND HE REALLY TRIED TO MAKE IT MY FAULT AND MAKE IT LIGHTER AND LIKE I WAS WRONG FOR FEELING HE WAS WRONG! HE TRIED TO SWITCH WHAT HE SAID AROUND. HE KNOWS WHAT HE SAID AND HE KNOW S WHAT HE MEANT. HE REALLY PISSES ME OFF SOMETIMES.

I WONDER WHAT HINGS WILL BE LIKE ONCE KIRA GETS HERE. THE OTHER DAY I WAS SAYING SOMETHING ABOUT HER AND HE SAID 'WELL, I KNOW MORE ABOUT BABIES THEN YOU DO. I HAVE HAD MORE EXPERIENCE IN RAISING BABIES THEN YOU.' EXCUSE THE FUCK OUT OF ME!? WHAT?! YOU BABY SAT A BABY EVERY NOW AND THEN, BUT THERE WERE NEVER ANY LIVE IN BABIES WITH HIM AND HE HAS NEVER HAD ANY CHILDREN. SO HE KNOW JUST AS MUCH IF NOT LESS THEN I DO ABOUT BABIES. AT LEAST I READ SHIT. HE TAKES PRIDE IN THE FACT THAT HE DOESNT READ ANYTHING, AND YET HE STILL THINKS HE KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT EVERYTHING. YET KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT NOTHING. AND HERE I GO BITTING MY TONGUE WHEN IT COME TO HIM AND HIS FEELINGS. I DONT SAY HOW I REALLY FEEL. FUCK THAT SHIT! FUCK HIS FEELINGS, WHAT ABOUT MINE?
MY FEET ARE SO SWOLLEN AND HURT SO BAD FROM WORKING REALLY HARD. I AM PROUD OF MYSELF YET I DREAD GOING INTO THAT PLACE EVERYTIME I HAVE TO BECAUSE I KNOW THE PHYSICAL AND EMTIONAL STRESS AND PAIN THAT JOB PUTS ME THROUGH.

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