A Hard Week

This week has been rather difficult for me. It wont get any better for me any time soon, so i mine as well get used to it. lol. I have been working pretty hard, really long shifts and not sleeping as much. Not to mention all the crap i have on my mind has been oober draining. i have been crying off and on for two days. and this is the first time i have not told a soul what is wrong. i figured i would just write it and whomever would like to read it , be my guess. i don't mind sharing my personal business with you all as long it helps you out in some way shape of form. lol.
1. a friend of mine and i got into it a little. I am not too much worried about it anymore. i was at first, at first i had knots in my stomach, i was crying and felt really sick. But i was mad at myself for feeling sad and weak. I can get over the situation that transpired. But i cant get over how i dealt with it. I HATE how i dealt with it. I dealt with it by crying and being upset and backing down. i didn't curse and tell her what i REALLY wanted to (which was to call her all types of bitches). I bite my tongue and made myself cry and be all upset to spare her feelings, but i dont think she did that to me. And this is what always happens. I am always trying to care so much and spare people's feelings when , which makes me weak and not a fighter. I didnt want to hurt her feelings, but i held back. something i should not have done when i felt it was not being being done for me. I told myself i would no longer be this way. i told myself that, for my daughter i would be strong and formidable, and not back down from an argument or hold my tongue or allow people to do or say what they want. I told myself, i was no longer going to be intimidated by no man, women, child, or beast. And that is exactly what i was. i was intimidated. i feel scared and sad these past few days and i know my baby could feel that. that is not a trait of mine i want her to have. i dont want her to back down. i want to be strong, opinionated and not intimidated by anyone. come what may, if you feel you will loose a friend or your life, loose it STRONG and SURE OF YOURSELF, knowing that you are not wrong or scared.
2. My mom really yelled at me yesterday morning and i cried about that too. I just hate how she talks to me sometimes. it's like she wants to have a reason to yell at me, or make me less like a person, and i backed down. i CRIED! She yelled at me and i CRIED! I should have yelled back! I should have been strong. Because i did not disrespect her. If I have not disrespected a person i don not expect to have it done to me. i will NOT be disrespected or intimidated by ANYONE. I just wish it was as easy for me to do as it is for me to type. i know that in both situations i was not SO wrong as to deserve the treatment that i got and that is what bothers me. i took it and cried about it. i took it sitting down, i just plan old took it. i don't want that for my baby girl. she cant be that way.
Dont get me wrong i wont raise a bitch, but i will raise someone a lot less intimidated then i am.
3.i haven't really stood up for myself with boyfriend's family. And i can tell already that their will be hell to pay if i do not. i will be walked all over if i don't learn to talk up for myself while dealing with them. his mom will keep saying shit, and disrespecting me behind my back and i need to nip in the bud.

Self Deffense

lol. could you imagine baby tai kwon doe!? lol. I would like to enroll Kira in some self deffense classes as soon as possible. So that she always has a edge when/ if she is alone. I want her to be able to wack some balls if they get out of line. lol. i know having her will put me in contact with avenues of my personality that need to be brought out and refined. Hense why i want to be a more spiritual person. To lead by example and instill the proper values in her. i want us to do yoga together, and bake cookies and other really gay stuff. lol

I would like to find some mommy/ baby yoga classes to get my body back in shape. i think she will like it. I know i will. It will be relaxing to her. something we can share together. i would like for the two of us to be vegeterian, natural, yoga lovin combo. lol. i wont push it on her, but i will introduce it to her young so it's not hard for her to get used to.

Medical Bills

are pilling up. I have already accumulated over 3,000.00 in medical bills from my sergury in the beginning of the pregnancy. i cant believe and am really mad. 2008 is the year to get all of that together and out of my hair. That and the CitiBank crap. I really want to get my credit together. For Kira. So i can buy her a house. lol. And pay for her to go to school when she's old enough. You know, i dont know if i tolf you this. but i learned the other day that a human's personality is shaped in the first 6 years of thier life. The next six yearsrs look to be COMPLETELY booked for me. lol. I only have this little bit of time to shape the person needed? Hmmm.....lol.

My Cats

I am terribly sad to report that tonight i will be getting rid of the boycat. I just can t handle both of them right now. Just Egypt is good. I am not taking care of them the way i should and i just dont want the both of them around the baby. B4 Akira gets here i have soo much work to do to the house in preparation for her. Dissinfecting the house, throwing away many things, and getting Egypt taken care of. I hope that by then i will be in a new apartment. a two bedroom, or getting ready to move in one. My heart is saddened by my decision. I want my boycat. he is soo sweet. but i cant have it all.

Seems Like A lot

has been happening lately but i cant remember now what i have been wanting to write. This week and next few weeks will be sort of stressful. Because i will be working a little extra to make up for money we need saved. i really wish boyfriend would get a second job. that would help me/ us out so much. i often wonder why he is dragging his feet about it. i am worried. i am worried about rather or not we will have enough money to save for the little girl. i will be working my butt off to make sure she has what she needs. i dont even know if i will be getting a baby shower or whatever. i just dont have the money and now ( just as i predicted would happen) his mom is acting funny. You know that family really, really, really gets under my skin at times. but this is the hand i was dealt, or should i say chose. They arent BAD people, please dont misunderstand the situation, they are just reallu funny acting and weird to me. His mom and i had a reallylong conversation this weekend and i just feel so uneasy about it. About them. Whatever, i dont go with them, i go with boyfriend and thats all that matters. i just cant wait for Kira to get here because i REALLY wonder how things will transpire with her in the mix. ACTUALLY HERE. I have been trying not to think about it too much. As a matter of fact i have resolved that in themonth of January for the new year i will take control of my own happiness. i will HELP myself. I have been doing a lot better with this, but not as well as i could be. I must pray for myself a lot more. Pray, Pray, Pray.

Getting the LIfe I Deserve

I will pledge to myself that STARTING today and during the year of 2008 I will focuse on attaining the life that my daughter and I DESERVE. No, not need, or want. But that what is due to us. It is due to her. She is supposed to have this life.

MY GETTING THE LIFE I DESERVE PLEDGE

This is my year to be the women I have always wanted to be. This year I will put AKIRA RAQUELL and LAKESHAI AREALLE first. Starting 12/18/07, TODAY, I will focuse on steps to achieve my goals. Ever since 2006 I have known that I want FINANCIAL INDEPENDENCE, and a FULFILLED PERSOANAL LIFE.

Today I will create a plan to realize my dreams.

This is my year to achieve 5 goals:

1. GETTING A BIGGER APARTMENT

2.FINNISHING SCHOOL

3.PAY MEDICAL BILLS

4.PAY CITI BANK

5.SPIRITUAL STABILITY

Negative factors real and imagined will no longer be obstacles to my success. To get over NOT SAVING, I will stop SPENDING. To get over MONEY MANAGMENT ISSUES, I will pray that I EXERCISE SELF CONTROL. To get over NOT HAVING MONEY, I plan to WORK MORE. To get over SPIRITUAL LONGING, I will pray that I RELY COMPLETELY ON GOD FOR STRENGTH. I know I will be successful because it is my dream to HAVE FINANCIAL INDEPENDENCE AND SPIRITUAL FULFILLMENT FOR MY DAUGHTER AND I.

To stay on track I will have my friend LAKESHAI AREALLE (ME) check in on my progress every week and hold me accountable. This is my personal 2008 pledge to myself so that I can realize my dreams and live the wonderful life WE fully deserve.

My heart goes out to my DAUGHTER

I cringe when i think of what i have to raise her in. this world. it's so cruel and heartless. only for her pure white innocence to be tainted and tarnished by so called "family'', ''friends'', and ''humans'' who she has to coexist with. i wish i could move her to some sort of civilized island with normal people and raise her to love, nurture and be strong. raise her to fear no man, be independent, and open minded. i want her to have structure in the right areas ( her education, her personal life, and her morals) without being so tightly wound that she cant see past black and white. i want, i want, i want! i want to cry for my daughter. because i know that on her own accord she is going to make decisions that will make me want to RING HER NECK and they will hurt her. and i wont be able to stop the hurt. i want to cry for my daughter because people will hurt her, misunderstand her, judge her and fight her (physically, mentally, and emotionally). I want to cry for my daughter because there will be time i CANT walk for her, i cant guide her. she will be on her own. i want to cry for my daughter because people will want to shut her up , stomp her down, and scare her. They will call her ugly (because this world is just MEAN)

but i wont cry. I will be strong. and i will raise her to be the same way. i wont cry because when she makes that decision that will make me want to ring her neck, she'll have the sense to realize her mistakes, learn from them, and grow. she'll stop her hurt and I'll be right there cheering her on. I wont cry for my daughter because when people hurt her, misunderstand her, judge her and want to fight her. She wont quiver because she has a pussy. She will continue to walk strong, high and fight back. Fight with her words, her education, HER FIST! I wont cry for my daughter because when i cant walk for her, or guide her she will have god and legions of angels on her side to walk with her. i wont walk for her, but i too will walk WITH her. I wont cry for my daughter because when they try to shut her up, stomp her down, or scare her. She wont be, she'll be fearless, opinionated tall. when people call her names and ugly , her feelings wont be hurt. she'll know beyond any doubt that she is beautiful, black and a princess. my princess, a raising queen. I'm raising a queen.