Wednesday, April 17, 2013
I have found my Natural Hair Nirvana!
I have reached “Natural hair Nirvana”! That place of ultimate peace, and love of MY hair in all it’s natural glory. I can FINALLY say that after almost ten years of fighting it out with my hair I LOVE it. I went natural in 2004 but over the years I never really loved my hair, I cant even say I liked it. I simply stuck with it because something innately spiritual wouldn’t allow me to feel comfortable with anything else. As a matter of a fact I DID perm my hair in 2008 and it lasted for 2 weeks. I shaved it all off because it just didn’t feel right in my spirit. I didn’t like my natural hair. I didn’t like it’s shape, texture, or length, so I would chop it off and rock the bald looks and lie to myself and others by saying “I just don’t have an emotional attachment to hair. HAIR is just not that big a deal to me.” But REALLY it was. It was so big of a deal that I wouldn’t allow it to grow and showcase it’s texture, shape, and/or length. In REALITY, continuously chopping my hair off was my shield to not REALLY accepting who I am. MY 4B/4C texture, and still feeling beautiful. But in 2011 I had it out with my hair. And I said “LOOK! I’VE GOTTA LIVE WITH YOU AND YOU’VE GOTTA LIVE WITH ME FOR THE REST OF OUR LIFE WHY CANT YOU JUST LOOK CUTE LIKE CURLY NIKKI OR TAREN OR NATURAL SUNSHINE ?” And my hair said back (at least this is how it went in my crazy head) “BECAUSE KESHAI! I AM NOT TAREN, OR NIKKI OR WHOMEVER ELSE YOU WANT ME TO BE! I AM YOU! WHY CAN YOU JUST LOVE ME? WHY CANT YOU JUST LOVE YOU?” “WHAT? I DO LOVE ME. DON’T TELL ME ABOUT SELF LOVE I AM MY BIGGEST FAN! I AM QUEEN SELF LOVE!” “No you arent. You don’t love yourself and in turn you don’t love me. Stop hurting me, stop cutting, dying, and covering me. Accept me and accept yourself.” So I sat back and really evaluated how I felt about myself. I was in the throws of the deepest, longest depression, I’ve ever experienced. A new mom, and a new wife and I had lost myself. I had stopped loving and liking myself. I had abandoned every self nurturing, self loving thing I had grown up doing. Instead I turned to smoking, drinking, and medication to numb the pain and the hate. After that conversation with myself/ God/my hair I declared an all out war on my depression. I promised my hair not to cut it for AT LEAST two years to give it chance to grow and show me what it could do. I began praying, meditating, going to church, weekly therapy, studying the law of attraction and watching every YOUTUBE video I could find. OH! YOUTUBE, the holy ground of natural hair care. I found so much information on products, methods, style, and support . I try to walk everyday in love, and gratitude. I don’t just walk in it, I bathe in it, I consume it, and I am it. And as a result I can openly declare that i have reached my natural hair nirvana