Tuesday, July 17, 2012


So i have to change the title of this blog to something new, and different to include a LITTLE BOY!!! From the beginning of my pregnancy i felt that i was having a boy. Call it a mother's intuition, i dont know. But i could feel BOY, although i did want a girl. When i was informed i was having a boy, i felt happy, good. Until i realized I"M HAVING A BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol. Suddenly I feel uncomfortable and out of my element. Kind of like I felt when i found out i was pregnant with Poots. Just unsure of how i was going to do this. I got so overwhelmed in the ultrasound room that i started to cry right there. uncontrollable, SOBBING, ENGULFING tears!! I felt like it was going to be hard to do. It's going to be hard to raise a boy with Devin. Because we are SOOOOOOOO different on matters, and things have worked out with Poots because she is a girl, but i dont know how things are going to fly with our son. I just kept thinking horrible thoughts like "he's a Bolling man, and Bolling men are hard to love." it's not that u cant love them, because I DO, love my husband, but it/ he is not easy and I dont want it to be hard or a challenge to love my son. I dont want to feel guilty about pouring love on my son the way i do with my daughter. Society has us believing that somehow boys deserve less, love, and attention because they are boys and in order for them to turn out "right" they need to be toughened up with less love. THATS BULLSHIT!! and i believe thats BULLSHIT with my WHOLE being. so i believe that things are going to be hard for me like they were in the beginning with poots. But despite my fears during my pregnancy with my son (teeeheee...i like the way "my son" sounds) i have felt like my life has had a divine intervention. I have felt sooo close to God and inspired to do my affirmations and prayers , and it feels WONDERFUL!!! I felt sooo close to my son, and to God that i KNEW what he was before confirmation, and i KNOW everything is gong to be ok. I feel like God is telling me that my son is anointed. For what? I'm not sure yet, but ANOINTED TO DO GREAT THINGS. To be a leader of some sort. To stand up and be righteous. I dont know, i cant describe it, but this on is something. I have sooo been into something different with my life lately. I'v been doing my affirmations. and i LOVE it. they feel GOOD. It even makes it easier for me to pray. i have been affirming into my life what i want from it. And believing that God and the universe have my best interest in form. I just have to BELIEVE that i can have THAT life. That, THAT life is for ME and stop doubting the good for me. I have concluded that i need to stop talking to certain negative people, and walk with a strong , high , head and heart. Stand on my own two feet. Because people say discouraging, negative things UNINTENTIONALLY. I dont believe that anyone in my life, would ever INTENTIONALLY hurt me, BUT it HAPPENS reguardless and that is what i am looking out for. I dont want to be surrounded my negativity. I dont want to HEAR it AT ALL. It hurts me. Always hearing that there is SOMETHING wrong with my kids, always hearing "well, is wrong with Kira, and this is how u made it wrong." always hearing " well, THAT WILL be damaging to her, and it WILL effect her negatively....and...and...and..." SHUT UP!!! Why not speak positivity into her life?? Not EVERYBODY comes out of thier childhoods damaged, and bitter, and broken. Just because that happened to YOUR kids, doesnt mean it will happen to mine, and i would appreciate u not spraying that negativity to me EVERY conversation. I want to be surrounded by positivity, light, love, affection, and good energy. i want to think positive thought. Believe in GOOD THINGS.I Believe that my children, are happy, healthy, good, people, that will grow into happy, healthy, good adults. AS A DIRECT RESULT of having a good, efficient, productive, happy mother. Amen and Ashe'

1 comment:

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