These past few days have been particularly trialsome.I have gotten away from writting so much on this blog because EVERYTHING was ALWAYS so negative and i began to feel ashamed of my life. And I know that, thats not what i promised when i opend this blog. What i promised to write and tell my story NO MATTER WHAT. Because my story may very well serve as a motivation or inspiration for someone eles.
I wont go into detail, but I BELIEVE you all know that I have been on anti depressants and was diagnosed with Severe Depressive Disorder a few months back. Well, this past weekend shit came to a boil and I was having suicidal thoughts. It was sad. And i felt so guilty, because of WHY I was having them. I never thought i would allow a man to be the cause of me wanting to KILL myself. Espcially when i have SO much MORE to live for. But i know now, that it wasnt JUST HIM. It was a combination of things mixed in with him that cause the evil contemplations.
I have never felt more under attack by satan then i have these past 2 years and few months.NOW i see how he REALLY operates. That he REALLY is out to kill me, make me unhappy,tare apart my marriage, and make me doubt God. I have found myself doubting God!! And wondering why i am so unhappy, and why my prayers to save my marriage and be happy have gone unanswered for so long. If this is what we were supposed to do to stop living in sin, then why havnt we been blessed? Am i only meant to live a life of misery? I cant, LITERALLY CANT remember the last time I have been happy. I mean...ok...I was a YOUNG teenager. Seems like EVERYTHING that could have gone wrong in my young adulthood HAS! And i am so dissapointed.
But i feel like things may be looking up soon, because last week when i was in the emergency room, I was able to start therapy that day and the next day. I will be going every week on Fridays. My therapist also does marriage canceling which Devin and I will be doing SEPERATE from my OWN therapy. Im excited, and im thinking this may actually work.