but yall k now thats how i get when i am going through. so...up and down and up and down again with this thing called religions and me trying to live right and happily. So as usual i am crossed between being a Jehovah"s Witness and Not being one. In not being one, i feel good and comfortable going to church. i feel motivated and close to Jehovah. But i wonder is that service to him RIGHT and acceptable. is he pleased with me. i think to myself "this type of service feels so wonderful and comforting it CANT be wrong." i think to myself "i have NEVER been THIS much in love with Jehovah in MY LIFE...this CANT be wrong." but then i go and talk to my parents and they tell me that if i am not a jehovah's witness my service and worship to jehovah is unacceptabel. and that i have FOOLED MYSELF into believeing that it is a good and acceptable thing not to be a witness. idk what to do anymore. but i am proud of myself. but ANY OTHER TIME in my life i would give up a this point and feel defeated and comfortable NOT doing ANYTHING. but i KEEP praying to and worshiping jehovah. and asking him to show me the right way. i doubt EVERYTHING now. i DONT KNOW what to believe. but i know that i should not be smoking an i should be having se. SO I REFUSE to do those things. i read my bible, dance and pray. when i get overwhelmed with inner workings of religion i just stop and pray. because i am not supposed to feel overwhelmed when in jehovah's company. i am supposed to feel comforted and at peace. satan keeps trying to snatch me up, with stress, my parents and confusion. but i wont let him. i KEEP PRESSING FORWARD. i KEEP SEEKING ANSWERS! and clarity and understanding. jehovah knows i only want to do what is right. and i cant do something that doesnt motivate me to want to be faithful.
and as usual when this happens i begin to grapple with myself concerning my relationship with devin. and what to with him and our living situation. i dont feel jehovah is calliing him out of life. as a matter of fact i feel i am good for devin and he is good for me. and we have stopped having sex. as a matter of a fact i told my mom that i have been celibate and she wasnt even encouraging. she said "well u still living in sin! and what the point of not having sex if thats what ur gonna do?? and a man is gonna wanna have sex so rather he get..." i cut her off. i was sooooo ANGRY that she incinuated that if i stay faithful to god devin is gonna leave me. and while i am not so delisional i dont KNOW that that is a very real possibility my faith is in god. and if devin does decide to leave me over sex, i know jehovah has a better more suitable mate for me. but in my heart i dont believe devin is THAT type of man!! but her saying this DID make me THINK and did make me insecure and feel like "well what if?...and maybe he." suppose i had went home and had sex with devin thinking that if i didnt he was gonna leave me? just based off of some mess she said. she could have HELPED me be faithful!!
but ANYWAYSSSSSS we want to get married in April. but we still live together. but i dont want to be disobedient and live together UNTIL April. we arent supposed to live together. DELAYED obedience is REALLY disobedience. but devin doesnt have a place to go. i told him that i dont want to live togeter until out wedding date and he said "well r u gonna find a place for me to live?" and i said "idk where u gonna live. if we were to break up tomorrow where would u go?" he said "with my parents. but they arent gonna let me stay there temporarily." so i called ms. paula and told her the problem amd she said "keshai it is not up to u to worry about were devin goes. you just have to do right. devin doesnt have a heaven and hell jehovah does. ect ect ect." so i said "but what am i supposed to do? put him in the COLD?" i guess so ,cause she didnt say that devin could come home til we get married. hmmm...she'd let him come home if we BREAK UP, but NOT for rightousness sake TEMPORARILY? i dont get that. ill have to ask her about that. i mean because its not like im asking u to disobey jehovah or break one of his rules. but i guess it is HER rule. and she has always been BIG on when SHE has a rule or a principle come hell or high water she WONT break it NO MATTER WHAT. ok. BUT IN EVERY CASE?? so if her answer is no, ILL LEAVE. and we'll just have to get married sooner. and i know yall like "WHY U GONNA LEAVE YOUR HOUSE??" because im NOT gonna put the MAN i LOVE and want to marry on the street, but I WILL SERVE JEHOVAH and do things PROPERLY!!
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