Friday, February 12, 2016

I Have

I have really gotten away from WRITING so much on this blog, but I forget that my original reason for even starting it was to DOCUMENT and share with my story. I just felt that my story was so depressing. lol. So i write in diary, on paper. There always seems to be so many disappointments that I didnt seem to have anything to really write about. I told you that in 2015 I had a series of emotional break downs and ended up in the mental hospital for about 3 weeks. It was, hands down the worst experience of my life. One of the scariest things to have to go through is not having your mind there to protect you. While I wont go into the details of my break down and depression I CAN say that during that time God showed me exactly how it works in the Universe. I will never forget the beauty of what I experienced. Although, I NEVER want to experience it again because it was damn scary. That happened in February of 2015. And for the remainder of the year I did NOTHING. I HARDLY read, stopped writing, stopped exercising and running, EVERYTHING hurt. Everything reminded me of the pain in my life and and i just didnt want to face it because I didnt want to "break" again and end up back in the nut house. Thats a horrible way to put I am glad I can laugh about it a LITTLE now though. In 2015 I sank to an all time low. In all of this I have not been the type of mother that I want to be. My family has fallen victim to my mind and it being unhealthy. After we lost the car, we ended up being evicted from our home. The home we have been in together for 7 years. But I thank God that we have a place to stay until we can get back on our feet. 2015 was just a really SUCKY year, bu you what i hate? I feel like i am ALWAYS saying that about EVERY year. EVERY year bad shit happens, EVERY year i drop the ball in some way. I'll be 31 this year and Poots will be 8. I cant believe she will be 8!!! She's growing up so nicely. But i feel like I have failed her miserably because of this dark drowning depression. The inability to focus and stay consistent. People talk to me and all i can do is get my feelings hurt and cry. I want o be proud of myself for SOMETHING. Lately I have been reading a lot of parenting books and trying to take advice from my elders, especially my mother in law. For as much as she says that hurts me, and i DO feel that she is never satisfied and nothing is ever good enough for her. I know that it only hurts because it's true. A lot of what she says is true, and motivating. I am on anti depressants now, which help a lot with helping me to focus and pull my mind out of these mental slumps.
   It's still the beginning of 2016 and i want this to be the year of healing for myself and my family. I WILL be proud of myself. Because it's what I really want. I've watched my life fall apart all around me and I have become the laughing stock of my family. My mother is not proud of me, I am SURE. I just want to look at my life and see it reflect beauty, order and light. God.

2016 Goals
1. Beat depression and get a hold of my mind. What I mean by that is, catch myself when I am being too hard on myself, thinking about things that make me sad and turn them around. As hard as it may be. Think about the solution and that EVERYTHING gets better no matter what.
2. Quit smoking cigarettes
3. Be a better mother and example to my children.
4. Vegetarian
5. run 3 miles a day. Because i feel FANTASTIC when I am running.
6. Watch my videos in my Watch Later playlist in youtube. There's literally HUNDREDS. But they are good and i look forward to watching them. 

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