IT'S NOT IN MY HEART

I'M CRYING. I'M CRYING. I'M CRYING. PLANNING THIS BABY SHOWER IS NOT IN MY HEART. DEVIN AND HIS MOTHER ARE MAKING ME PLAN THIS SHOWER. IT'S JUST NOT THERE. MY FAMILY WONT BE THERE, ON TOP OF ME HAVING TO PUT OUT MONEY (THAT I REALLY DONT HAVE) TO DO THIS. WHO PLANS THIER OWN BABY SHOWER? I AM. I DONT WANT TO DO THIS. DEVIN'S MOM TOLD ME THAT BASICALLY I AM BEING SELFISH AND NEED TO READJUST MY THINKING , BECAUSE IT'S ABOUT KIRA'S BENEFIT. THEN Y WONT SHE PUT UP THE MONEY FOR THIS?? SHE HAS EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD TO SAY AS TO Y I SHOULD HAVE IT AND NEED TO HAVE IT BUT IS NOT PUTTING ANY MONEY TOWARDS IT. MY HEART IS BLEEDING. DEVIN NEEDS TO THROW ME THE BABY SHOWER. I WORK 2 JOBS! NIGHT AND DAY. I WORK LIKE A DOG AND I HAVE TO THROW MY OWN BABY SHOWER!? DEVIN NEEDS TO DO THIS FOR ME. SHE NEEDS TO SHUT THE FUCK UP.

SHE TICKLES! lol

My baby is such a silly girl! Sometimes (or should i say MOST of the time) when she move she doesnt hurt me, it's not uncomfortable, it tickles. Or maybe, i'm the one thats silly. lol. I didnt know my insides could be ticklish. lol. sometimes i think she does stuff on purpose if she wants me to talk to her. or at least thats what i tell myself. lol. so i get up and talk to her. we really like to drink juice. OH! and she can taste if i eat something sour,or sweet, or tart. Extreme tastes like that. lol. so i'll eat some fresh spinach with ranch on it and or a really tastey salad with juice and she will kick and roll around like it's nobody's business. lol.

http://www.pregnancy.org/pregnancy/fetaldevelopment3.php


this week in her development ( week 31) Kira Kat is able to have preferences to music and move to it. lol. that is soooo cute and funny. lol. lemme find out my baby is a movin, groovin , soul machine, ALREADY!

BABY SHOWER

I FEEL SO HURT ABOUT IT. I ALMOST DONT WANT TO HAVE ONE. JUST BECAUSE I KNOW NONE OF MY FRIENDS AND FA,ILY WILL BE THERE. JUST HIS. I WILL BE THERE FEELING SOO UNCOMFORTABLE. I KNOW MY COUSIN CHANEL WILL COME BUT EVERYONE ELES IS TENETIVE. I AM NOT SURE ABOUT. THAT HURTS. THIS WHOLE EXPERINEC HAS BEEN ONE ANNOYING THING AFTER ANOTHER. I CANT HELP BUT FEEL THAT IT WILL ONLY GET WORSE AFTER MY KIRA KAT IS BORN.

Our 1 year anniversary: A YEAR IN REVIEW

I DONT REALLY KNOW HOW I FEEL. ON ONE HAND I FEEL THIS YEAR WITH HIM HAS BEEN WONDERFUL AND I AM HAPPY THAT I KNOW HIM. BUT ON THE OTHER HAND I FEEL HE IS A MONSTER AND I WANT TO GET AWAY FROM HIM. HE NEVER KNOWS WHAT TO SAY OUT HIS MOUTH, AND SOMEHOW IT'S ALWAYS ME BEING OVERLY SENSITIVE. I'M TIRED OF HIS IMMATURITY, HOW TRULY JUVINILE HE CAN ACT AT TIMES. I AM TIRED OF DEALING WITH HIS WRONG THINKING AND THEN HIM TURNING AROUND AND THINKING THAT IT'S RIGHT. AND SAYING TO ME "WELL, I'M NOT CHANGING FOR NOBODY, KESHAI." HOW FUCKIN BULL HEADED CAN YOU BE?? HE NEEDS TO CHANGE, AND NEED'NT BE AFRIAD TO STAND MY GROUND AND LET HIM KNOW THIS. I AM AFRIAD BECAUSE I HAVE FOUND MYSLEF ATTRACTED TO ANOTHER MAN. YES!! A MAN!! HE IS 24 YEARS OLD AND REALLY SWEET. I TRY TO AVOID HIM, BUT I FIND MYSLEF THINKING ABOUT HIM WHEN I'M NOT WORKING, AND WONDERING IF I GET TO WORK WITH HIM THAT DAY. I FEEL SO WRONG. I SHOULD JUST BREAK UP WITH BOYFRIEND TO GET MYSELF TOGETHER. THE MORE BOYFRIEND ANNOYS ME AND PISSES ME OFF THE MORE THE OTHER GUY APPEALS TO ME. I CANT BE THAT CRUDDY THOUGH. I WILL HANG IN HERE. I WONT LEAVE BOYFRIEND FOR ANOTHER GUY. I JUST HOPE BUYFRIEND BEGINS TO LOOK BETTER TO ME. BOYFRIEND SAID SOMETHING REALLY RACIST AND STUPID TO ME THE OTHER DAY, AND TODAY HE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT MY MOM! ARRRGHHHHH! I AM SOO MAD AT HIM. IMAD HIM GET OUT OF MY CAR WHEN HE SAID THE RACIST THING. AND HE REALLY TRIED TO MAKE IT MY FAULT AND MAKE IT LIGHTER AND LIKE I WAS WRONG FOR FEELING HE WAS WRONG! HE TRIED TO SWITCH WHAT HE SAID AROUND. HE KNOWS WHAT HE SAID AND HE KNOW S WHAT HE MEANT. HE REALLY PISSES ME OFF SOMETIMES.

I WONDER WHAT HINGS WILL BE LIKE ONCE KIRA GETS HERE. THE OTHER DAY I WAS SAYING SOMETHING ABOUT HER AND HE SAID 'WELL, I KNOW MORE ABOUT BABIES THEN YOU DO. I HAVE HAD MORE EXPERIENCE IN RAISING BABIES THEN YOU.' EXCUSE THE FUCK OUT OF ME!? WHAT?! YOU BABY SAT A BABY EVERY NOW AND THEN, BUT THERE WERE NEVER ANY LIVE IN BABIES WITH HIM AND HE HAS NEVER HAD ANY CHILDREN. SO HE KNOW JUST AS MUCH IF NOT LESS THEN I DO ABOUT BABIES. AT LEAST I READ SHIT. HE TAKES PRIDE IN THE FACT THAT HE DOESNT READ ANYTHING, AND YET HE STILL THINKS HE KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT EVERYTHING. YET KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT NOTHING. AND HERE I GO BITTING MY TONGUE WHEN IT COME TO HIM AND HIS FEELINGS. I DONT SAY HOW I REALLY FEEL. FUCK THAT SHIT! FUCK HIS FEELINGS, WHAT ABOUT MINE?
MY FEET ARE SO SWOLLEN AND HURT SO BAD FROM WORKING REALLY HARD. I AM PROUD OF MYSELF YET I DREAD GOING INTO THAT PLACE EVERYTIME I HAVE TO BECAUSE I KNOW THE PHYSICAL AND EMTIONAL STRESS AND PAIN THAT JOB PUTS ME THROUGH.

Anxiously Waiting

For the birth of my daughter. I am getting so antsy with anticipation. Only 62 more days to go.

I wonder

if it is possible to put EVERYTHING good into a child and still have them turn out to be a asshole, as a result of thier enviroment? this is a thought that i hate to think. but i keep on thinking it.