I'm happy that being disfellowshipped doesnt bother me anymore. I don't worry about it. So much time has gone by and I have moved on with my life. It wasnt a easy move, but I did it. I honestly believe that at this point I can sit at the Kingdom hall for it's intended purposes and enjoy the service. Not feeling any anger, or sadness, without crying or feeling nostalgic. It's been a slow healing process. It was A LOT to deal with. However I am still praying over and having faith that my mother and I will be close again WITHOUT my having to be one of Jehovah's Witness'.
At this point what I really want to focus on is quitting smoking, loving myself, working, and doing fun things with my children. My energy has to be refocused and directed towards rebuilding my life positively. After being disfellowshipped things got crazy fast and didn't go as I would have liked. It's ok now though because the load is lifted. I'm working two jobs now during the week and getting my babies and having fun on the weekends. My bills are finally paid down and I have more room to move around financially.
The Kingdom Hall and Jehovah's Witness' will always have a special place in my heart. I am so grateful to it for how I was raised. It laid my foundation and gave me a belief system. SOMETHING to believe in is a big deal to me. So I will always look at it with a loving heart, but I DO take issue with the whole disfellowshipping system. That whole section hangs a dark cloud over the JW's for me. And because of that I can't belong to it, nor do I want my children in it. I have no desire to strive to be reinstated like I used to. I only want to study what makes sense to ME spiritually. 'm an adult now and so i know what's best for my spirit.
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