I find it amzing that i read a book on a real life panic attack just a few weeks before i experience my own. On or about January 17 ( my memory on the evnts and dates are still pretty foggy) I experienced a panic attack. It felt like death. I literally thought I was going to die. I thought I was having a heart attack. That amount of fear is unnatural on so many levels. I feel so many ways about it. On one hand I feel that it was God's way of sort of wiping the slate clean so that i could start over and fresh and rebuild my life in ways that are healthiest for me, the way i want things to be. Clean, happy and peacful, without smoking weed or cigarettes. On the other hand I havnt completely forgiven myself for "breaking". A feel as though i couldnt handle life. A panic attack is LITERALLY a mental break. And it feels that way. I lost my mind and i'm still trying to pick up the pieces of it all around me. The books that i have been reading are ,making things so much easier for me. Espcially this one that I listened to on audio book. Dan Harris, experienced a panic attack on LIVE television in front of millions. Mine was at home in front of my children. Poots thought i had a heart attack. It scared her so badly. I felt like i was having a heart attack. I know the factors that played a part in it. Many of the similar things that Dan Harris speaks of in his book. Stress, drugs (marijuana), and on a personal level my feeling as though I have to handle everything on my own. I never want that to happen again. It is my determination to use this year to heal myself. To stay aware of the people and resources that i have in my life to help deal with stress. I had already set that goal prior to my panic attack , but this solidifies it.
I took a small leave of absence from work ,with the help of my mother ,and got some in patient help at Franklin Square hospital. it was needed and appreciated. I met so many wonderful people that helped to remind me of who I am and what my goals in life really are. They reminded me that if i just live in the moment and ONLY control the things that i have control over ( MYSELF) that life is so much easier. I can only control MY actions, thoughts and being. I foused on my yoga practice and simply took care of myself in a safe enviroment. I exercised, drew and focused on art, did hair and gave massages. Listened to music and danced, read my bible, sang and i was HAPPY. Painted my nails and socialized. Met a few sweethearts. I felt at ease enough to not have to worry about Devin or the kids. Speaking of him I am so proud of how he has steped up to the plate, but he reminds me that this is MY journey. NOT his. I think his method of delivery, however is what hurts. The way he says it. But in him is where i have to practice what i preach and accept him for what and who he is. I'm currently listening to Radical acceptance by Tara Brach, a book Dan Harris mentions helped him with his panic attack.
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