I Wish That i Had More Dicipline

I wish so desprately i had more dicipline. I mean just better control of MYSELF> i cant conquor the world if i cant conquor myself. i Mean i wish that there were just a few things i did DAILY, you know? FAITHFULNESS! Thats what i want for my life. When i die i want my Eulogy to say that i was FAITHFUL, CONSISTANT and with that i CONQUORED! i have gotten sooo much better lately with my prayer life! But i want to spend a 1/2 in prayer daily, and read 4 chapters of the bible. do u know iv NEVER read the Gospel (mathew, mark, luke and john)? thats sad. but i am workingon it. but i really love praying, once i start. but it REALLY is hard to do sometimes. but i remind myself of WHO i have the PRIVLEGE of speaking to. the GOD of the UNIVERSE. i cant even speak freely and at ANY time with the president of the hospital i work in. loool. but i can speak freely at ANY time with the majesty of this UNIVERSE!! i LOVE it. Jehovah has gotten to be so real to me lately...i like it. buti still get nervous. i still wonder if i am doing the right thing. and i WISH to GOD it didnt hurt my mother so bad! the other day she asked me "so u dont wanna be a Jehovah's Witness no more?" and i said "i dont know." i wish i had the courage to tell her. more then likely someone will read this a rat me out to her. loool. but i dont want to hurt her. nobody knows how DEEPLY it would cut her to hear me say i dont want to be a JW anymore. this is the first time iv actually said it in a public place. iv been scared. i guess i cant run from it forever. i just wish she felt better. i wish we could be close. i wish religion didnt matter. i love her...THATS all thaat matters...or at least it should. sometimes i wanna call her and yell at her and tell her to put that foolishness to the side and LOVE me!!!!!!! but...i just....