much writting lastly on this blog. for most shit talk i do that on twitter. but sometimes theres just something theraputic about CONTINUAL writting space that doesnt stop at 140 characters.
thers so much on my plate now a days. not even so much on my MIND...just a lot IN MY LIFE. like im getting married in two weeks, spirituality ect.
i think about my mom. and the relationship we used to have. i think about her, and i cry and pray. i want to hold her so badly, tell her how mch i love her, be FRIENDS with her. i miss her so much. i wish so badly we could go to lunch and talk and be close. i think about how i would feel if she were on her death bed. i would feel guilty for being selfish. for not being a JW like she wants me to be so we can be a family. i often think that i should just bight the bullet and do what they want just so i can be close to them...but thats no way to live. (by them i mean BOTH my mom and dad). i think about how my mom must feel. so sad, feeling like she CANT have me as her daughter. she must feel like i am so selfish to not want to be with her. so selfish to not want to do ANYTHING AT ALL to have her. i would be so hurt if i were in her shoes and poots was in mine.
i always stop writting when things get tough and i dont wanna deal...but i have to remind myself of WHY i started this blog, not ONLY for the therapy of writting but to help other women in similar situations, and to leave SOMETHING behind when i do pass. i cant be AFRIAD to tell my story.
1 comment:
It is very painful to lose an individual as dear to you as a mother or a daughter especially when either of the two choose to seperate themselves. It is very clear that you want a relationship with your mom, so you haven't chosen to be selfish and not cultivate a healthy relationship with her. Instead as an individual you've made a decision on your system of religious beliefs and practices that do not coincide with what your parents have decided is best for you. You are not selfish to live according to your truth, never apologize for that. Your truth will not disappear, it will continue to disrupt your spirit until you allow it to shine through. MENTALLY you grow in consciousness, knowledge and understanding. That growth can be painful, joyous, sad or difficult at times, but by embracing the growth process, your truth comes into view clearer and clearer.
In addition, your parents are not being selfish either, they love you, but they are responding to you based on years of religious influence. Influence that they have trusted as their truth. We both know there is nothing Godly in the seperation of family. Our creator is all about the interconnectedness of us all. Understanding the oneness all living things share is the highest attainment of spiritual cultivation. There is no way to attach that kind of seperation practiced by these organizations with the creators purpose. I will pray for our family and you ...love you!
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