imma just put it all out on the table.....I'm sure this has tortured for centuries

Y do men cheat? Call me insecure but I believe its because they want the sweet, mother of their child, average looking women at home. To come home to a cooked meal, clean house, and KNOWING she's faithful and always there. But there is a deeper darker part of every man that is guided by his penis. And this is all he thinks about. And this part of every man desires to cheat with the "hot mama". Big ass, firey personality, long straight hair down her back. Just everything that you are not. I get mad at myself because I don't put this past noooo man. I have been through so much shit in my life with men and the such that if a good man were to smack me n the face I wouldn't recognise it. Poor devin pays for this a everyday (damn near) with me. I hate it. And I know its not healthy for our relationship. But I look at him sideways with everything he does. I question him when he doesn't want me to answer his phone. I don't believe him when he says he's going certain places. Now...don't get me wrong. We have both done some shit in our relationship. But its like I can't get past his. Since those things have happened (he's never cheated just dumb ass shit happen) I just can bring myself to trust. Since other things in my life has happened I just can't bring myself to trust. And I feel he wants me to trust him COMPLETELY and UNCONDITIONALLY. And I can't. He wants to be able to have female friends and I not question it, have calls and I not question it, and other stuff that I'm not supposed to question. The thing is why shouldn't he be able to? We should BOTH be able to do these things without any problems and have one another still trust that we are faithful and acting how we are supposed to. But all I can think is that he is a young man and cheating is what they do. I'm sorry devin. I do love you

Just Writting

about nothing in particular. i am so tickled over my new sidekick. lmaoooo. its so cool. i like gadgets though. i havnt payed Devin any mind since i got and thats a shame because i was hardly paying him mind in the first place with Poots being around and all now. lmaoooo. he expressed interest lately in going back to school. these past couple of days he has been talking about going back to school. and this morning he actually had a job interview (kiki stands and gives a round of applause!) lol. BOUT DAMN TIME!! i'm so tired of that piece od shit job. i wonder y he isnt too. anyway, poots is doing good these days. sitting up and being all extra sweet and cute. she had to stay with my mom last night while i was working. i wonder how she did. i miss her. i thought about her and looked her picture all night long. its rediculous because i should have been and could have been enjoying this time to myself....but all i could do is think about her lil butt. lmaooo. cant wait to see it. i took a pregnancy test last week. WHEW!! neggative. i guess its my body getting back into wack after having her but i SWEAR it feels like a baby is in there moving a kicking. and i was extra scared too because i heard that after ur first baby u can feel and show A LOT earlier then with ur first. hmmmm...if i were pregnant again i would be so irritated with myself. i mean i loooove children and i love my baby but i dont want anymore til after we are married and finncish school.

i am so sleepy. i need poots to stop fussing when i leave her a lone for a second. or if i'm not ready to wake up when she is. lol. damn it i be sleepy! but she does lay there for a while ,while i catch an extra wink. then she start kickin me all in my dang back. lol. like "ok i'm ready to play now mommy wake up!" and who can resist those cheeks. NOT ME. so i get up and play with her. but i'll be damned if i aint sleepy. lol

in my heart i feel she is the best thing to ever happen to me. when we are apart i hold my breath til i see her again. and when i hold her, nothing could pry my hands from her little waiste. i pray for her blessings cause she deserves each and every one of them. simply because she is a angel and shinning light in my life. i could write about her forever. i shared a little of my ice cream with her yesturday. lol. she looked so funny eatting it. her little face would wrinkle in that way she does when she's tasting something different and new, other then mommy milk. lmaooo. with ice cream running down her chin. i kiss her awkward shaped head and pull her close to me. lmaooo

KOOL THINGS : keep the peace alive

1. Poots
2.Blogging
3.My new sidekick slide (which i so affectionatly call my sideslick: THANK YOU CHARDAA!!)
4.my books of knowlege (who ever said knowledge is power was a truth tellin mo'fo)
5.the prospect of going back to school in the beginning of the year (January 2009 wooooo!!!)
6. finding my major and passion
7. conviently finding my school on line (the perfect price, time. mmmm...i dont have to leave poots, waist gas ect)
8. shea butter
9. Devin
10. watching vintage episodes of SOUL TRAIN @ 3:30 a.m (i love the music, style, so funky fresh to def)

Poots Sits up

this weekend she's been sitting up on her own!! after a while she'll fall over. loool. but the point is she's sitting up now!! b4 i know it she wont be falling over. she goes from 0-60 in no time. its like just thursday night she was falling over but on friday morning devin was holding her in his lap and said "keshai! look she's sitting up on her own! i'm not holding her up!" and saturday she was sitting up on the bed. i'm so proud of her. she growing and developing so nicely. i say this and portray this to her but in my heart i really wish she'd stop. lol. i dont want her grow up at all , let alone do dang fast. she's my poots. i just wish i could keep her small and under my wing forever. and with every new feat i picture her growing and not needing me. lol. no, i wont focuse on that. because although she may not always NEED, she will always WANT me and keep me close to her. mmm....i think about people who grow up and barely call their mothers, or talk to them.or worse yet put them in nursing homes to die and never visit them. mmmm..if things ever got to the point that i absolutly HAD to put my mother in a home i would visit her daily. i promise. i understand that not everyone can care for thier elderly parents cause, shit ,by the time most parents are elderly. thier children are damn near elderly themselves. lmaoooo. i just want us to stay close no matter what. sometimes i dont think children realize how much thier parents love them. i know i didnt know til poots came along.

Holistic Parenting From A Pan Afrikan Perspective

http://www.afrikanparenting.com/
i finnished this book and it was really good. a step by step guide to holistic parenting. poots and i had fun reading it. lol. i will continue to do all that i can recommended from this book. mmmmm...i know it will be hard. but isnt life. im saying it will be hard because i have noooo support in this area of my life. devin and his entire family buck at anything that is afrikan or holistic. and i get tired of feeling ganged up on. but its a small price to pay for the healthy development of my girl. i just wish that i could be left alone. and my decisions be just that MY DECISIONS. mrs paula can do all the controling she wants when Aerica has her baby in the future. lol. i mean not that she is CINTROLLING. but i know things will be different for the child that aerica has v.s my chil (akira). i say this because my ideals are different from thiers, devin is different from them. his whole childhood has been riddled with how they have treated him so much more different then his bro and sis. so i am not surprised if this goes for his kids too. i mean the most they have bought for akira is a Ravens baby bib, and THAT WAS THIS PAST WEEK! oh and a pack of wipes. lol. its just annoying to me that no matter what they always have soemthing to say. and its annoying because this is the way i choose to raise my child and i feel it should be respected. and not be talked to everytime they dont like something. just respect it as different and keep it moving. and this is what i'm talking about when i say its harder for me to mix in with his family. because that is what i am doing.he is not mixing in with mine.

i am totally gonna get pretty

been doing good with my watermelon/ tea detox. havnt gotten all out that i wanted to. but its still good. getting the impurities out has caused a small break out but whatever. i know its only the beginning of something good. its so funny how ur body chooses to rid itself from crap! mmm..so this weekend i totally plan on getting hair, nails, and eye brows done. sounds like fun huh? i think.